Girlfriend and her guy friends...

Hi, basically I have been with my girlfriend for 6 months now and I am living with her. Here is my issue...

Not soon after we were together she introduced me to a few of her friends that just so happened to all be guys (3 or 4). A few months ago I brought up the issue, asking her why she just has guy friends, and she said she just never really got a long with girls. I also asked her if she ever did anything with any of them and she reassured me saying no, she wasn't attracted to them like that. These guys also have girlfriends so I didn't really question it much. I just went with it even though it still bothered me.

I had a gut instinct that something wasn't right because on more than one occasion, with the friend that we would hang out with most (dave), his girlfriend would usually be away without him or what not and a couple on a couple nights it would just so happen that it would be me, my girlfriend, her guy friend and then other guys and it would make me pretty uncomfortable. I told her this after... she said that she was sorry and that the other guys girlfriends were supposed to be there. I also asked her if I ever met anyone that she's been with and she told me no.

Fast forward a few months more in December and I go with my girlfriend to stay with her at her parents house for a week. She was very adamant about meeting one of her long term friends from high school... that also just so happens to be a guy, with his brother. They are both supposed to be with their girlfriends, but when we get there it's just them and the 4 of us go for a drink at applebees.

I felt more uncomfortable than ever and after we left I brought it up again telling her this, and asking her why all of her friends are guys. She eventually tells me that the friend that I just met from high school was actually her prom date and at the time she had the biggest crush on him ect... but they stayed friends ever since. She also told me that they only kissed at prom. I was still feeling uncomfortable and that something wasn't right...

So I asked her again later on and she told me the truth. She said that a week before she met me she was staying at her parents and she caught up with her friend and they had sex to see if there was any chemistry, but nothing really happened from it and it wasn't good, it was just one time, so they just remained friends... ect ect... I was shocked, but at least felt validated that my gut feeling wasn't wrong. So I then asked her if I met anyone else that she was with before and that right now would be a good time to tell me anything else. She told me that she was also with dave one time the week before me too. She told me with dave, she was drunk and regretted it, but also that she was single and didn't see any other reason not to at the time...

Anyway, she told me that they were only friends then and only friends now and that those experiences were the past and nothing more than to see of any possibilities when she was single from people she already knew for a long time. She told me that these were people she was friends with for years without anything happening except one awkward time with each of them and that she really isn't attracted to them. I told her that I was not going to make any decisions for her, but also , I am not comfortable with being around dave anymore.

I told her:
"I do trust you, however I don't trust dave and like I said before (even before I knew all of the details) I don't think he is that great of a friend. I personally think I did a good job before dealing with the guy friends thing and putting aside my thoughts and intuition, but honestly, how would you feel if I were friends with girls that I had sex with? I don't want to make decisions for you, only let you know how I feel."

She told me:
"I wouldn't love it if you were friends with a girl you had sex with, but you arent. and you told me you didn't expect me to give up my friends. I don't know how I can not give them up if I never see them. Dave isn't my best friend, and over time I have wanted his company less and less. But I think it makes sense to let that be a natural waning off, and not a decision I feel forced to make. I appreciate you telling me how you feel, and I appreciate you understanding that a casual group social outing from time to time is something id like to have in my life. Maybe not always with the same people, but right now, these are the people I have. And I liked it when you would come out with me so we could be a united front and enjoy each other's company and have a shared experience. But if you'd rather skip it, I understand, and I won't be out long anyway."

Advice please?

hubby is still friends with a couple girls he's slept with before we got together - one was a one-nighter, the other is the girl who would have been his serious partner if i hadn't come along. doesn't bother me.

really, it's up to you and her to find a compromise. she understands your feelings, you understand hers. so find a solution together.

Hi Adam,

I will share my experience and thoughts in regards to this situation. In some aspects I can identify with your partner, in some with how you feel.

I’ve always had mostly male friends. In fact, I think that I only had 2 good female friends. As far I can remember I was attracted to boys. My mom is a little tomboyish herself and she made a tremendous impact on my personality . Some of the characteristics that I highly value in people such as objectivity, practicality, dry sense of humour, right to the point approach, sound advice, etc I almost exclusively found in male individuals. Besides, for many years I was living by myself. If it had not been for my male friends my life would have been more challenging. Being among male individuals has simply given me an opportunity to be free, myself and happy.

With some of them I had something more than just a friendship, with many I didn’t. I can (and appears that your girlfriend can, too) differentiate between romantic feelings and just having fun with someone. Also, the fact that I was once romantically and/or physically involved with someone does not mean that we cannot be great friends afterwards. We were together, it didn’t work..so what? Why can't we be great friends if we enjoy each other’s company? I don’t like burning bridges, N/C and related emotional drama and if I really respect someone I would love to stay friends.

However, now comes the point where I think she made and continues to make a mistake. In my opinion she did not wisely chose her approach. I completely understand how you felt with 3 other guys who are not your friends. I would not like to see his 3 female friends going out with us unless we both agreed that was OK. I would feel a little offended and I would think that he is inconsiderate. What would bother me would not be their sexual history (I am kinky and it turns me on), but the fact that I would see that as some sort of a “team work” in our relationship and lack of individuality which I disrespect. I don’t think that she should have told you about her sexual relationship with them. She should have kept it for herself. They are the people who are presently active in her life and I don’t think it is necessary that you have to look them in the eye and have to even remotely think about what happened between them and her.

Having said that, I do not at all think this is a no win situation. If you trust her and see that you can not change how she feels, why don’t you just avoid social outings with them? I don’t mean to avoid in an odd way, but if she knows that they will not be with their g/fs you don’t have to go , either. Why would you go somewhere where you don’t feel relaxed and happy? Just try to accept them as part of her personality and personal space. If you stop reacting maybe she will even stop seeing them. In the worst case scenario - if her behaviour continues to emotionally hurt you or ecalates to innapropriate realtionship with her male friends- you 'll be able to tell yourself that you've tried everything and you'll know what to do without regrets.

Just my 2 cents. Please feel free to comment or ask if any questions!

I've slept with several of my close guy friends, and if my boyfriend had a problem with that it would be a pretty big problem for me. I don't understand not being okay with your s.o. being friends with someone they've hooked up with. it doesn't mean anything, and it'd pretty hard to avoid everyone you've ever slept with lol. I've also always had a lot more guy friends than girls, I don't get along with most girls, it takes a pretty specific type of girl for me to be able to be friends with them.

@santorini

Well, I asked her to tell me because my gut instinct told me something didn't feel right. I asked her many times like I said. I think it would have been insulting not to tell me and for me to continue wondering and hanging out with her and her friends that she had sex with like I'm some kind of smuck in the dark and them knowing that they had an experience together. It doesn't feel good either way.

-- Thu Jan 19, 2012 10:15 pm --

rainbow_sprinkles wrote:I've slept with several of my close guy friends, and if my boyfriend had a problem with that it would be a pretty big problem for me. I don't understand not being okay with your s.o. being friends with someone they've hooked up with. it doesn't mean anything, and it'd pretty hard to avoid everyone you've ever slept with lol. I've also always had a lot more guy friends than girls, I don't get along with most girls, it takes a pretty specific type of girl for me to be able to be friends with them.

So you're friends with lots of guys so that there will be an opportunity for you to sleep with them if need be? Sorry but it's not ok and disrespectful to your partner if you keep that around him... which is what's wrong with this situation.

Adam, in your post I sensed that you are a little angry. I am sorry if I wrote something that offended you, it certianly was not my intention. I do understand how you feel. It is very uncofortable being surrounded with bunch of guys who you don`t feel comfortable being around, who are not your chosen friends and on top of that they`ve had sex with your partner. But, that`s a given fact now, isn`t? When I commented that she shoud not have told you I didn`t want to suggest that she should be hiding things from you, but only that if she is not willing to `chill out` in regards to how often she sees them she should not muddy the waters even more. It is her resonsibility to behave appropriately and not make this even worse, but it is your responsibility to decide what you can and can`t tolerate. We can not change other people but we can decide who do we want to surround ourselves with. I truly hope that things will work out for you, but if nothing is changing and you are feeling sad or miserable, you have the power to make a decision.

adamk234 wrote:So you're friends with lots of guys so that there will be an opportunity for you to sleep with them if need be? Sorry but it's not ok and disrespectful to your partner if you keep that around him... which is what's wrong with this situation.

uh........... no............. not in the slightest. I have lots of male friends because THEY'RE MY FRIENDS. not everything is about sex. just because I've slept with someone before doesn't mean I'm going to sleep with them again, and certainty not if I'm in an exclusive relationship. I'm not going to cut myself off from my friends just because we hooked up. that doesn't make any sense. you can't ask someone to stop being friends with someone just because they slept with them in the past. we all have pasts, exes, ex flings, ex random drunk sex partners, etc....... you can't expect all of that to just go away. not to mention, if I really wanted to sleep with someone else, I could just find a new guy. why return to been there, done that?

Personally, I've learned that when there's a girl who's only got guy friends, or mostly guys.. There's a girl with something up. Having a pattern of excessive male attention doesn't always mean "promiscuous"... But it's definitely a red flag.
From my perspective reading your post, I'd say you have every right to be cautious and questioning. It's not a matter of "telling her who she can be friends with".. It's a matter of facing the very deep vulnerability of caring for someone who exhibits a questionable pattern.
Face it, guys are territorial and much more aggressive in sexual "liasons". Women are aware of this, so a woman with only guy friends MUST know that many of them are attracted if not hopeful. Maintaining that in another person while holding them in the stasis of friendship is not an appropriate act.
The other question to ask is why she doesn't have any female friends. In my experience that's highly unusual. There are fundamental differences between men and women, so... there are fundamental Gulfs of connection that simply can't be crossed. Trust me. I have five sisters, and have heard it all... But not even my most tomboyish g/f or friends are comfortable in all areas.

Update: I told her we needed to talk, she thought I was breaking up with her, but we talked and I told her I really wasn't comfortable with it. She agreed not to go and / or continue the friendship.

adamk234 wrote:Update: I told her we needed to talk, she thought I was breaking up with her, but we talked and I told her I really wasn't comfortable with it. She agreed not to go and / or continue the friendship.

RUN for the hills!!!!!!!!!

Long story on my end, and I feel for you....... I married a girl like you're talking about. I thought things would change. But I thought way wrong, we are still together, I love her but HATE her judgement.if I could do a rewind I would have definitely made a different choice. So my 2cents would be stay away it will NEVER change no matter WHAT she says.

Good luck