Gave him my full support...lost him for good.

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I just joined to better understand what BPD really is. I know no one other than a professional can diagnose, but I have suspected for nearly a year now that my (ex)boyfriend suffers from it, if not something else.

The first couple of months of our relationship were magical. I had never felt so happy; we just wanted to spend every minute together. About three months in, he began to grow jealous and possessive of me, while also letting his low self-esteem show: saying he was not good enough for me, I deserved better and he did not deserve to be happy. Some nights when we were laying in bed, he would for no reason get into a really bad mood and would pull away from me, wouldn't answer me, or let me touch him. A couple of times he punched the wall. One night in particular, we were talking about love and he told me he was questioning what love really is. He was the first to say I love you, and he would say it ALL THE TIME. Now he's telling me he doesn't even know what it means? The next morning he was cold and distant, and when he left I kissed him and told him I loved him, but he could not say it back, but could the day before. He was supposed to come over that night and starts texting me saying he needs space from me. I get a call several hours later, at 2am, it was him saying he's stupid and doesn't know what he's doing, and he came over right away. While waiting for him to arrive he sends me a text message, "I love you baby"

Things were [seemingly] good for a week until he sends me a texting one Monday morning saying he wanted to come over and talk that night. I was a nervous wreck all day, knowing what was coming. He broke up with me and had no reason, and in the middle of it he said he wasn't sure if this is what he wanted and maybe we should give it time. He began to pull me close to him and he said he wanted to be with me. We slept together, and the next morning he showers without me and he ends up breaking up with me in my dorm hallway, he just left me there crying. No reasons. Two days or no contact, and I get a FB message saying he's stupid, he misses me so much and wants to see me. Two days later, we're back together. I didn't fully understand why it happened but I missed him.

The night before our six-month, I give him a cute gift of 50 reasons why I love him or whatever. He reads them and says hes sad because again, he doesn't know what love is. We talk for a little while, and 20 minutes later he's saying "you're showing me what love is, I love you." He becomes distant over the next couple weeks, then breaks up with me again. I'm devastated; I thought it was over for good. A week later, I wake up to 3 text messages from him. I ignore them for a couple days, and we talk on the phone for two hours. He said he was miserable but he was supposed to be acting happy and single. We meet the next night, July 4th. I stay at his house for 3 nights, he is all about me and showering me with love all over again.

Less than a month later, I had a really bad UTI [I get them chronically] and he came to take care of me b/c I was in immense pain. He was so caring and sweet. I don't hear from him for several days and when I call him, I can already tell what's going on by the tone of his voice. Two days later, he comes to my house to break up with me. Again, in the middle of it he begins to change his mind about it. He agrees to give it time, and again we sleep together. The next morning he says he's feels ashamed, that he can't be in a relationship, just throws out every excuse. We talk for several hours, getting no where. He gets very cold towards the end and says he needs a week to think. I don't hear from him, so I text him. I get no real answer. Three days later, he texts me and says he misses me a lot and wants to get me first thing in the morning. I told him no, I had plans so he could wait a week.

We reunite once again and everything is great for a while, he tells me he just wants to focus on "loving me"; then as soon as I was diagnosed with depression, he disappeared for a week. Didn't show up for 2 things we had planned, didn't contact me. He then tells me he just needed space, and was sorry and he felt like he didn't want to be with someone who's sad. Three weeks later, we're done again, and this time he does it over a text message. I tell him "then don't come back this time" and all he responds is "ok, bye." A few days later, he asks to get his things and I was cold about it b/c I was so hurt. We see each other weeks later, I yell at him and get all my anger out, then he begins telling me he feels so sad when he wakes up in the morning; I comfort him and a week later we're back together.

He is a pot smoker, or he used to be [three weeks no smoking] He got caught smoking pot at work and was fired. It was after that point that things spiraled with us. We see each other on Christmas and all is well. One morning, he acts as though I'm not even there, I keep asking what is wrong. Finally he says that he was acting that way to see how I would react b/c he thinks he can get away with anything with me, so essentially to make me angry. He says I need more self-respect/confidence. I get very offended; then he begins breaking up with me. He's crying, I'm crying, and I leave with him saying "let's give it time"....we know how that ends. 3 days later he says it isn't working, he says his fear keeps driving him away and he can't stop it. He won't take my calls to explain anything to me. Finally I block him on FB and he freaks out and comes to see me the next day, we talk and decide to be friends. This guy could not get rid of me fast enough, and as soon as we agree to be friends, he texts me more than he did before, asks to see me, and would drive 45 minutes up and back to pick me up 3 times in 1 week., which he absolutely hates doing. He acts JUST as if we are still together, calling me baby and saying I'm his man, being very affectionate and gets angry and assumes I'm talking to random guys. He tells me that he really things we could work things out once he's "not so f****d up" and this prospect makes me happy. I get very confused, and confront him about it. He tells me I'm crazy for thinking I was going to get him back by being friends and that our "friendship" just meant sex to him. I feel meaningless. I spent over a year supporting this man, holding him when he cries and I don't understand why he's upset and it frightens me. He says we can't be friends anymore and blocks ME on facebook; I have not heard from him since Thursday when he dropped me off at home. Could he have BPD? He had unstable relationships with his past girlfriends, even cheated on the last one, which he claims really destroyed him.

We've stopped talking at times but he's never gone so far as to block me...I can't believe things ended like they did, and I'm scared that this time he won't come back. I don't necessarily want to be back with him, but I feel like I still have no explanation, he is ALWAYS contradicting himself. He told me I am the only one he trusts to talk to,that I'm the only one who knows him so well and cares. But I'm the one who gets treated like a yo-yo? I'm at the end of my rope, I cannot hold up someone who doesn't even want to help themselves....he told me he is going to get help. Will he be back?

Oh dear. It could be BPD.
He sounds like my ex partner. We would have a good night out, enjoy each others company nice meal I would stay at his place, and then at 2am in the morning for no reason he would tell me to leave and throw me out, saying I was cheating (I wasn't)
I would start to go, then he would change his mind and ask me to stay.
He would swear and throw things in a jealous temper. He could say some incredibly hurtful things I would say that's it I've had enough, we would break up, then get back to together again.
A relationship with a BPD is going to be tumultuous lots of highs, lots of lows.
We are not together now I could not deal with it any more. They have huge issues.
I hope he does get help, it could make a lot of difference.
I don't know if he will come back to you again. Time will tell.
Might be better to find someone else.

I'm sorry you had that experience! It's such a roller coaster.
My ex never accused me of cheating but did not like me hanging out with any males, except my one gay friend. He would have a problem with every one of them, even my female friends, and would nearly isolate me from them. He never tried to kick me out, but when I would threaten to leave he would beg me to stay. There were a couple of instances where he got physical with me: once I accidentally opened a cabinet door and hit his leg, and he pushed me across the kitchen. When he was in one of his depressive/"I'm horrible at everything, woe is me" moods, he told me he was angry for no reason so I left him alone. He told me he wanted me to comfort him when he was angry and grabbed me by the shoulders and started shaking me. He has never directly put me down, only saying how wonderful I am, etc. But he would make subtle jabs at me about different things. If he wanted two bagels and I only got one, I got hell for it. Whenever I tried to cook for him or if we would do things together, he would insist that I was doing it wrong. For the most part I felt very good with him, but when we were apart I would wonder when he was going to bail on me again. I thought he told me he wanted to get help because he wanted to get better for himself and to better our relationship, but he completely threw me out when I was his only support, even when he treated me like dirt. I just can't believe he can do that so easily, and judging by the other 5 times this has happened, I would assume he'll be back...but I don't know. My greatest fear is immediately seeing him with someone else - that literally just keeps going through my mind and I can't stand it.

Pappillon, the Board can't diagnose BPD, and whether or whether not he has a disorder of some kind, the fact is that he is responsible for his emotional health and issues. He doesn't seem to be taking them on board, or taking any responsibility for the way he's acting towards you, and his behaviour is eating away at your self esteem.

He is constantly blowing hot and cold, causing you confusion, telling you he loves you one minute, and abandoning you the next. For as long as this behaviour continues, and you give him permission to act this way, your sense of self esteem will diminish more and more. By allowing him to return to you time and time again, you are reinforcing his behaviour and actually giving him permission to abuse you in this way. You can't change him, that is his responsiblity, but you do have the power to change yourself.

Have you considered therapy to work at the self esteem he is destroying? Therapy may give you a chance to sort out your emotions and confusion and find a way forward.

You said three simple words that really touched me and gave me a sense of the way this guy is making you feel. You said " I feel meaningless. " Think about this. This guy has completely invalidated you, and taken away your feelings of self worth. The fact is, that you do have a lot of worth and value. You deserve to be made to feel secure, and you deserve to be treated well. What was your self esteem like before you met this guy? You might need to think about this, and talk things over with a therapist. You may also need to ask yourself, would the pain of splitting up for good be any worse than the pain you're going through now? It is likely that you would feel pain if you split up for good, but you will have a chance to mourn the relationship, and move forward, with a sense of self esteem, and the opportunity to meet a guy who deserves you, and who values your worth. It is likely that if you continue with this push pull relationship, your self esteem will plummet further, and you will live a life on uncertainty and insecurty and invalidation.

I wish you well, and want to remind you again, that you are a very valuable person who deserves to be secure and happy.

I do see a counselor, and take a few different medications to manage my anxiety and depression.

I know he is toxic, and that he's bad for me, but I still can't get over what happened. It was only a week ago today, which has felt like an eternity. I thought maybe he was trying to protect HIMSELF by acting like it was no big deal and blocking me, I know that's how guys tend to deal...but if he really believed that we could work out AFTER he gets help, I don't think this would be happening...unless what we need is complete separation. But at this point my friends and family are so angered at the thought of him, I honestly could not go back a 5th time and try to defend my decision to them, not to mention the pain feels irreversible.

I moved back to college over the weekend and have begun my classes which are a good distraction, but I am thinking about him constantly. My college campus is less than 10 minutes from his house, much closer to him than I am at home. I keep checking my phone, seeing if I get a call or a text, and there's nothing. It still feels like there is no closure and knowing him, he would want that. That's why I feel like I would hear from him again...but I fear it won't be for a long time. I keep imagining him with someone else, even if he told me he's not going to be. It kills me to think I mean nothing to him all of a sudden, I only hope that he misses me like I miss him I don't know what to think.

Papillon, you are so cute You remined me so much of myself from many years ago except that I didnt have a Counselor, medication or even a friend. I can't stop smiling after reading your last post, although i know how you feel.

The best advice I can give you is to just let go. He is presently not well and anything you do can only make it worse. He may be splitting you now, hating you, hating himself, etc. He would most likely need to hate you in order to protect himself.

If I could take away 1/2 of your pain and sadness to protect and shelter you - believe me that I would and without hesitation. But I can't, so please take my advice - let it go. I don't mean this in a negative way like forgetting or hating him...just let go for now b/c there is nothing constructive you can do. Show him that you love him, that you care for him but don't let your life revolve around whether he will call because he most likely won't or will just for sex. Please live your life as best as you can and down the road things may eventually work out for both of you. If you really need to part ways forever please remember only good things and love.

Warm hugs

Thank you..

I know I should let go, but it's very difficult. I'm young and naive and thought love fixes everything :/

If he is suffering from BPD, could his actions be the result of him having an episode and feeling really negatively about himself? I've watched him struggle with his emotions for over a year and have been his only support, but he pushed me away for the last time. You really don't think he will ever contact me again? It seems so unlike him to want to do that...it just hurts. I can't even show him that I love him b/c I can't be in his life...he doesn't want me to love him, and I have to pretend like I don't so that I feel better. No matter how many times I run over it in my head, or how many times I try to stop myself from thinking about him, it still just doesn't make any sense to me. I wish I could understand his brain.

Hi papillon,

how are you feeling? Anything interesting happened over the weekend?

Hi Papillon. You said " I wish I could understand his brain". Unfortunately, whether or not he has a disorder, you never will. Only a therapist can diagnose a complex condition like BPD, and no two people with BPD are the same. The issues and symptoms will always vary from person to person. What you really need to do is begin to understand yourself, your reactions, how you feel, and at what stage your own self esteem is at. You may need to ask yourself why you are so attracted to him in the first place, what it is about yourself that is so drawn to this guy. Therapy can help you with this.

You deserve to have a partner who loves and respects you, who treats you like an equal, who is reliable,constant and there for you, not a partner with major issues that you can't fix and which he is unwilling to take responsibility for. It is pointless trying to understand him. You really can only work upon yourself.