NON Agreed to meet my exHPD after months of NC

My first post here. I have learned a lot of helpful things from so many of you as a reader though. Thank you all for sharing.

I have had NC with my exHPD for about ten months. She pulled some really crazy stunts and the last one was finally just too much.

We have several mutual friends and I will avoid going somewhere if I know she is likely to be there. She has tried to draw me into her self-created drama several times and I choose to stay out of that world and find more peaceful ways to spend my time.

A few times she has showed up at a bar where I already am with friends. On those occasions, she has tried to make eye contact and smile to test the waters. I have avoided her and left to go somewhere else soon after her arrival.

The last time, she saw me walking into a bar and started yelling my name in the parking lot. I pretended I did not hear her and continued my way in (I was meeting a large group of friends). She stormed in after me and started demanding that I give her some of my time and that she wanted to apologize to me.

I told that I was not there to see her, appreciated that she wanted to apologize, but that was not the time or place and that I would not talk to her when she was drinking or whenever she felt like it. I told her if she really wanted to apologize, she should contact me some other time and request a meeting when she is calm and sober. She stormed out and almost ran over a couple of people in the parking lot by flooring it and speeding away recklessly through a crowded parking lot.

I did not expect to hear from her, this sort of thing would be terrifying for her. To my surprise she texted me a couple weeks later requesting that I meet her for lunch. I was caught off guard, and since I told her that I would meet her under these conditions, I agreed.

After thinking about, I realize there is no chance she wants this meeting so she can apologize to me. She wants something from me, and whatever it may be, it can't be good for me. So I am not going to meet her.

I want some advice on how to not have the meeting with the least amount of contact/drama.

I was thinking I would wait to cancel until the day of the lunch with a short text saying I can't make it, something came up. Then just never reply to any further inquiries.

Other options include just not showing up or a text explaining that I forgive her, for whatever she thinks she wants forgiveness for. But I don't want to have lunch with her. These options, I fear, would be the worst way to kick the hornets nest.

Thoughts? Other suggestions?

Thanks

Hi.
That can be a tough situation, not enviable at all.
It sounds like you have a good grip on NC, and should be proud of your success. I still stuggle with that.

What you recount involves a couple of watering holes, clubs or bars. From my pov, she may be in a 12 step program that requires she make amends as best as she can? Who knows?

No matter, I think you should be honest with them. Be firm and without mercy, but not cruel. What I mean is, prepare yourself by making a list of reasons why you prefer not to meet, different values, interests, and comfort level can be strong arguments to use to help them understand why you feel lunch would be a poor choice.
Write it down a couple of times, to keep it fresh in your mind. She may be very charming and you'll need to keep your focus on the objective. Defend yourself by having the list handy.

You've moved on,( are sorry they have not?). For sure, she will argue because she will want to "WIN" the exchange, let her bitch you out and have her say, after she vents , that should be the end of it.
You'll become a "thing" of the past.
Luck.

Thanks for the input.

So, it sounds like you advocate actually showing up and then explaining to her why I did not want to go?

I am not willing to do that. I made a mistake by agreeing to the lunch. I am not going to be there.

The only thing I am trying to sort out is whether to inform her that I will not be there. And if I do that, what to tell her, through a text message, that will result in the least drama.

She is not in a 12 step. Even if she were, I don't owe her anything.

Big wrote: The only thing I am trying to sort out is whether to inform her that I will not be there. And if I do that, what to tell her, through a text message, that will result in the least drama.

She is not in a 12 step. Even if she were, I don't owe her anything.

Hey Big...

True..you owe her nothing.

"Just text her and let her know you won't be going to lunch. Let her know, you want to get on with your own life, and wish her the best for the future".

You have no need to respond more than that. If she contacts you back, don't respond. You told her in a polite manner all she has to know. Leave it at that.

My suggestion..anyway.

OK

BigD1770 wrote:And if I do that, what to tell her, through a text message, that will result in the least drama.

choose your own adventure:

pick one and text in the early morning of the day of the meeting, and do not respond to a reply, if any.

drama: "hi, i'm sorry but my new girlfriend/boyfriend just had a tire blowout and i'm on my way to help him/her change the tire now so i will have to miss our meeting later, sorry!"

more drama: "hi, i'm sorry but my new girlfriend/boyfriend just had a car accident and i'm on my way to the hospital now so i will have to miss our meeting later, sorry!"

no drama: "hi, i'm sorry but i was talking over our meeting today, late last night, with my new girlfriend/boyfriend, and he/she became worried because they could see how intensely that i still feel for you. they are jealous, it is true, but they can also see the potential for harm to my ego and damage to my newly found tranquility, and so i promised them that i would cancel this visit and have no further contact. thinking of you still breaks my heart, but i know you understand and i am sure you can respect my wish to have no further contact. maybe in another lifetime, for in this one, it is not meant to be. i am sure you will make some man/woman very happy, and i wish you well."

True Mary...

Why should you care Big.

Do what you want! lol

i think you should text her that you don't think any thing good can come of the situation and are canceling the lunch instead of waiting tell the last minute.

- Labor.

I'm moving this thread to Relationships, guys ,and leaving a shadow thread here