He's manipulating me, then?

I'm currently in love with my rapist... as crazy, stupid, and weird as it is, I'm seriously in love with him.

Just recently, we've regained contact, and I'm falling even deeper in love with him. For a while, I thought he'd love me too, despite having raped me.

He bought me and my daughter gifts. I mean, he didn't have to do that. No, it doesn't take back what he did, but it was still very sweet of him to buy us gifts, especially since he didn't have to. After I snitched on him, and called the police on him, he's not angry with me, and he hasn't tried to harm me or my daughter for revenge or anything. Recently, I've been thinking that maybe I could eventually come back to him, and we could be in a relationship again. But, something he said kind of irked me, and really messed me up.

He knows that I'm active in quite a few support groups for teen parents, for survivors of abuse, and that I've met some very nice friends there. And now, he's telling me that they don't care about me, that they're just being nice because it's what a support forum does. I mean, my initial thought was, "Wow. You're so wrong, of course they care about me" but when I tried to prove him wrong, I feel now that they really don't care. I mean, they care in the sense that they'll offer me an encouraging word when I ask for it, but they won't support me like friends should. They don't ask me how I'm doing if I stop contacting them for a long time, they don't offer me any support offsite, unless I ask them for it. I don't quite know what it means to care for someone, but I don't think I should have to beg them for their attention.

So, he was right then? They don't care about me... But, is he just telling me this to isolate me? So that he can further hurt me? Am I just naive for thinking that he's doing this because he doesn't want me to be hurt by fake friends?

And the gifts... is he trying to buy my loyalty? I already love him... I probably love him so much more than he'll ever realize, despite what happened. But, the gifts...? The sweet words? Is this all just to gain my loyalty along with my love? Am I making myself more vulnerable to more harm by giving in to him?
What, and since I'm really in love with him, should I begin to seek therapy? Is there something wrong with me for feeling this way?

I'm so sorry to sound like I'm whining, or sound really confusing, but... I'm confused. I'm so terribly confused, and I don't want to be hurt anymore.

I'd like to write more, but I'm stuck on this tidbit.

CruzingLily wrote:I'm currently in love with my rapist

You need therapy. Intense therapy. The stuff you're wondering about... just read the word 'rapist' and there's your answer. It's that simple.

Which, would bring me to another question that I should have probably edited into the OP.

Thanks so much, though. I really feel like I'm loosing it, in the sense that... I've been led to believe that survivors don't fall in love with their attackers. So. My logic is telling me, either the rape wasn't rape, or that there's something wrong with me.

I'll probably end up scheduling an appointment to see my old T again, anyway.

I don't know the whole story, but rape is rape. He raped you, he doesn't care for you. Neither do I, but I'm quite happy to help lead his victim out from under him.

That's what you are to him, his victim. If you don't get yourself away and get therapy, you will be an easy victim for his type for the rest of your life. You sound quite young, so that would be a long time left being a victim. You have a daughter to think about as well.

Hun, words and gifts are cheap. Anyone can buy a gift and say the right words to manipulate.

This man raped you, and you have a daughter to think about. I'm wondering if your sense of self esteem is so low that you think that this is all you deserve?

Trying to cut you off from your support networks is manipulative, controlling and isolating you. You found solace from this kind of support, and you're entitled to seek it, and make your own choices and decisions about what is right for you. Without your support network, he can control you and use you, and possibly rape you again. He may even pose a threat to your daughter. He may hurt you the next time. You really do need to keep yourself safe hun.

You may need to speak to a therapist, and/or to a womens or rape support network for support, and to help you to regain your self esteem. As your self esteem grows, you will realise that you don't need a man like this to give you a sense of self worth.

None of what happened was your fault. This man violated you, and took away your sense of power and control. Perhaps the first step in regaining your sense of control and power is to distance yourself from this manipulative and dangerous man. You are worth so much more than this. You don't deserve to feel unsafe, unworthy, demeaned or undignified. Please think of your daughter, and yourself.

Feel free to post on here, where you'll be heard, and remember you can also PM me or any of the other moderators on here if you need to talk. Please, hun, be safe.

As with the others, reading 'rapist' and then reading about his attempts to isolate you and draw you out from the people who support you is extremely scary.

You know the girl who was kidnapped and held against her will for 18 years? This is exactly what happened to her. He said he loved her, bought her gifts, but told her that her family didn't love her, her friends didn't like her... only that he could be relied on to love and support her. She bought that and moved in with him and guess what. She never left that house for 18 years as his sexual prisoner.

Please get help. Please tell someone you know that you can trust that this is happening, like a family member or a close friend. Don't trust feelings... they will too often get you into trouble! You aren't bad for feeling the way you do, you can't help it when you feel things. But please make a rational decision and don't trust these feelings. He is so obviously manipulating you and drawing you away from anyone who could actually help you. The mere fact that he raped you means that he doesn't love you and doesn't care how you feel. If you continue with him, you may end up hurt, or worse. Please trust me that this is an extremely dangerous situation for you. My whole body just screamed 'danger' when I read your post. Please don't ignore this warning but find help immediately.

I hope the best for you and your daughter.

You seem to be wavering on whether or not he raped you.

Since we don't know you, and this is essentially anonymous, why don't you describe the _facts_ that you believe support the two opposing viewpoints... what makes you think you were raped? what makes you think you weren't raped? Facts only. If you two got drunk and had consensual sex, that's not rape. If you said no and were forced to have sex, that is rape.

Also, regardless of all that, just to be wavering on this question about him is a sign of 2 things: 1. You are sick. 2. So is he. The conclusion being that it was not "meant to be" between you two, and you need to get right in the head and with yourself before you enter into a relationship (with someone you haven't met yet) that would be healthy for you and your child.

CruzingLily should not be under obligation to describe, or "justify" her rape. This is a distressing and sensitive situation. Please bear that in mind in your comments.

CruzingLily, have you heard of "abused spouse" (battered wife) syndrome or Stockholm syndrome? People develop feelings of affection and loyalty toward their abuser, for lots of reasons. Loneliness, insecurity, the abuse itself because it aggravates those feelings and the abuser is the only person that's around to give comfort. Yah, he's manipulating and hurting you.
No, you shouldn't have to describe your rape, it's probably not the most important issue (describing it I mean).

Firstly, I really appreciate all of the responses here, they have been very helpful, and I am feeling a lot less worried and confused. Though, some of these, I wish I had read much sooner. But I really appreciate your support. It truly means a lot to me.

HopefulOne wrote: why don't you describe the _facts_ that you believe support the two opposing viewpoints... what makes you think you were raped? what makes you think you weren't raped?

Honestly, I'm not quite comfortable describing nitty gritty details of the rape. Basically, I still feel like it's somewhat my fault for allowing it to happen, but I didn't want to have sex. Not wanting to have sex is apparently the definition of "non-consenting" but, I feel like I could have said "no" and I could have stopped it from happening, but I didn't.

jasmin wrote:CruzingLily, have you heard of "abused spouse" (battered wife) syndrome or Stockholm syndrome?

Actually, I have. And you're not the first person to bring this to my attention, either. Others that I have spoken to about this have mentioned it to. To be honest, it's kind of a really painful shock to know that he's trying to manipulate me, apparently. And though I don't know you, or anyone else on this board for that matter, I really trust your judgement, and everyone else's here, for right now. Thanks again.