He's manipulating me, then?

You said; "Honestly, I'm not quite comfortable describing nitty gritty details of the rape. Basically, I still feel like it's somewhat my fault for allowing it to happen, but I didn't want to have sex. Not wanting to have sex is apparently the definition of "non-consenting" but, I feel like I could have said "no" and I could have stopped it from happening, but I didn't."

Hun, there's no need to describe what happened to you. You shouldn't feel you have to do that. None of what happened to you was in any way your fault. I believe you and hear you. He manipulated you, and put you in a position where you couldn't even assert yourself enough to say no. You didn't want it to happen to you, so it was rape. You were powerless.

I've also heard of the Stockholm syndrome. The mixed emotions that you feel are common in that.

The first step in reclaiming your power is to nurture yourself, and look after yourself emotionally. Take things one step at a time, and realise that you are in no way to blame and that you do not need to justify yourself to anyone.

aw hon...i'm glad you're going to see your T. rape is about power, it's not about love. he's got the power to violate your body, your mind, and now your heart. work with your T on how to TAKE it back. i wish you all of the strength in the world to make that happen.

I don't want you to re-live the trauma or to undermine you or anything. I am trying to help, I just don't know if you only want the nice, warm fuzzy help that you are supposed to give victims or if you might be helped my some more tough love type of help that maybe empowers you to take responsibility and make changes that will benefit you and your child's life??? Did you just come here to get an ego stroke or did you really want advice?

Oh, please do not sugar coat anything for me. Be completely honest.
I'm here for advice. Or, I was here for advice about what to do about keeping contact with my abuser. I wasn't sure if what he was doing was protecting me, or manipulating me.

OK well my advice is to wake up and screw your head on straight and stop being a victim. You let this dude rape you by your own admission. In my opinion you basically raped yourself. Quit doing $#%^ like that! Quit doing things you know are wrong and self destructive! YOU KNOW that it is bad to have this douche in your life. YOU KNOW it is harming you and your child and if you continue then the harm is YOUR FAULT!!! Start listening to your conscious and start taking some responsibility for yourself, woman up and be a good mother for once!

^ You are victim blaming.

"You let this dude rape you"? Where is your head? You obviously don't realize how abusive relationships work. Victims tend to be re-victimized because we are primed that way. It is not so easy to change. She didn't go into this looking for a rapist. Have you never found yourself in over your head where something was way different than you expected?

enough of that. i appreciate you are trying to help but non-specific "just stop doing it" comments imo are counter-productive

OP, here are my un-sugarcoated ideas.

I lived with a man who raped me and isolated me, and I didn't get away for 4 1/2 years, this was from about 13-18 and no (other) children involved. I had Stockholm Syndrome in a bad way. Get away from this man, he knows exactly what he is doing and is doing it purposefully and carefully. My situation was different because of my age but the tactics are not much different

he already has you groomed most of the way (sorry to say)
he is attempting to trap you
he is confusing you so you will take on his values or whatever values he wants you to take on
he is using your child to control you

this will only get worse
you really should talk to a therapist ASAP
his ultimate goal is to control the information you receive so he can manipulate you. once you have no other support, you are reliant on him for emotional nourishment and that is where you get double binds and stockholm syndrome/battered wife (or husband) syndrome

not trying to scare you, but this is a dangerous person just from the way he's acting, regardless if it was or wasn't rape (it was) he is obviously not good for you or your daughter

best wishes

HopefulOne wrote:OK well my advice is to wake up and screw your head on straight and stop being a victim. You let this dude rape you by your own admission. In my opinion you basically raped yourself. Quit doing $#%^ like that! Quit doing things you know are wrong and self destructive! YOU KNOW that it is bad to have this douche in your life. YOU KNOW it is harming you and your child and if you continue then the harm is YOUR FAULT!!! Start listening to your conscious and start taking some responsibility for yourself, woman up and be a good mother for once!

I can understand wanting the poster to take responsibility for herself and be a good mother, but you have gone too far. You are now on the moderation preview for this forum, a mod will have to approve your posts before they show up.

What is worse... victim blaming or victim coddling? It's not like the concepts of "victim" and "predator" are eternal truths. Some people by their own choices have a habit of being more likely to be victimized, and, and allowing their children to be victimized. In this situation, I personally think the child is the most important individual and so we should be concerned with the child's well being. Here the victim is asking for advice on what to do, I think we need to convey to her that it is her responsibility to step up and make things right for the child.

HopefulOne wrote:What is worse... victim blaming or victim coddling? It's not like the concepts of "victim" and "predator" are eternal truths. Some people by their own choices have a habit of being more likely to be victimized, and, and allowing their children to be victimized. In this situation, I personally think the child is the most important individual and so we should be concerned with the child's well being. Here the victim is asking for advice on what to do, I think we need to convey to her that it is her responsibility to step up and make things right for the child.

I agree that the child is the most important person in this.

Victim Blaming/Coddling are two extremes, there is a lot of space between them (it's not black and white in other words). there is a balance to be had... certainly no one here was "coddling" anyone imo

regardless, offering practical solutions or ideas or information is a lot better at just virtually yelling at someone, don't you think?

OP, hope everything it okay and you can update us when you feel like it/get a chance (of you want to)

CruzingLily wrote:Oh, please do not sugar coat anything for me. Be completely honest.
I'm here for advice. Or, I was here for advice about what to do about keeping contact with my abuser. I wasn't sure if what he was doing was protecting me, or manipulating me.

Hi

Okay, my thoughts follow -

The real problem is you have conflicted feelings. You're getting advice to feel this way or that, but what is paramount is your conflicted feelings. To have conflicted feelings is NORMAL, but can also be point of great anxiety and stress. So what I would say is this -

You don't need to black/white choose to love or hate him. What is important is to get at the root of why you're conflicted about what you feel. Somewhere in all the murk and mess, is a conflict between all the many things you want, and all the many things he wants. Maybe some points that pull you together and others that drive you apart. There is actually no need to make a choice right now, but there is a need to sort out the murky conflict and get to the source if whats behind it all. There is an answer. In time, youll figure it out, im sure. I have no advice other than, feel what you feel, dont hide from it, and in time, it will make sense.

Best wishes,

X