Help A Relationship Addict

I've been in the situation where I was okay with losing someone until they started sleeping with someone else. Maybe it feels so bad because now you have the knowledge that she's absolutely unavailable to you. She's moved on. It also seems like you have a bit of wanting what you don't have: when you were with her you wanted to be away from her and now that you're away from her you want to be with her. It's that constant dissatisfaction with the current circumstance that's a part of this addiction. Also, we tend to like chaos and dis-ease. I know it doesn't feel as if you're creating the situation yourself, I know it feels very real, so it's difficult to see that there may be other motives in place. But all addicts use different things to change how they feel. Alcoholics use alcohol, addicts use drugs, and sex, love and relationship addicts obsess about sex, love and relationships. To us it doesn't even matter if we're in love or pain over love: it's still changing how we feel, it's taking us away from our real lives and that's what we're after. There are so many different ways of acting out on this addiction and so many aspects of it. This comes off the LAA site:

Love addiction comes in many forms. Some love addicts carry a torch for unavailable people. Some love addicts obsess when they fall in love. Some love addicts get addicted to the euphoric effects of romance. Others cannot let go of a toxic relationship even if they are unhappy, depressed, lonely, neglected or in danger. Some love addicts are codependent and others are narcissistic. Some love addicts use sex to manage feelings; others are sexually anorexic. What we all have in common is that we are powerless over our distorted thoughts, feelings and behavior when it comes to love, fantasies and relationships.

And these are the aspects of a love addict off the site:
You are very needy when it comes to relationships.
You fall in love very easily and too quickly.
When you fall in love, you can’t stop fantasizing—even to do important things. You can’t help yourself.
Sometimes, when you are lonely and looking for companionship, you lower your standards and settle for less than you want or deserve.
When you are in a relationship, you tend to smother your partner.
More than once, you have gotten involved with someone who is unable to commit—hoping he or she will change.
Once you have bonded with someone, you can’t let go.
When you are attracted to someone, you will ignore all the warning signs that this person is not good for you.
Initial attraction is more important to you than anything else when it comes to falling in love and choosing a partner. Falling in love over time does not appeal to you and is not an option.
When you are in love, you trust people who are not trustworthy. The rest of the time you have a hard time trusting people.
When a relationship ends, you feel your life is over and more than once you have thought about suicide because of a failed relationship.
You take on more than your share of responsibility for the survival of a relationship.
Love and relationships are the only things that interest you.
In some of your relationships you were the only one in love.
You are overwhelmed with loneliness when you are not in love or in a relationship.
You cannot stand being alone. You do not enjoy your own company.
More than once, you have gotten involved with the wrong person to avoid being lonely.
You are terrified of never finding someone to love.
You feel inadequate if you are not in a relationship.
You cannot say no when you are in love or if your partner threatens to leave you.
You try very hard to be who your partner wants you to be. You will do anything to please him or her—even abandon yourself (sacrifice what you want, need and value).
When you are in love, you only see what you want to see. You distort reality to quell anxiety and feed your fantasies.
You have a high tolerance for suffering in relationships. You are willing to suffer neglect, depression, loneliness, dishonesty—even abuse—to avoid the pain of separation anxiety (what you feel when you are not with someone you have bonded with).
More than once, you have carried a torch for someone and it was agonizing.
You love romance. You have had more than one romantic interest at a time even when it involved dishonesty.
You have stayed with an abusive person.
Fantasies about someone you love, even if he or she is unavailable, are more important to you than meeting someone who is available.
You are terrified of being abandoned. Even the slightest rejection feels like abandonment and it makes you feel horrible.
You chase after people who have rejected you and try desperately to change their minds.
When you are in love, you are overly possessive and jealous.
More than once, you have neglected family or friends because of your relationship.
You have no impulse control when you are in love.
You feel an overwhelming need to check up on someone you are in love with.
More than once, you have spied on someone you are in love with.
You pursue someone you are in love with even if he or she is with another person.
If you are part of a love triangle (three people), you believe all is fair in love and war. You do not walk away.
Love is the most important thing in the world to you.
Even if you are not in a relationship, you still fantasize about love all the time— either someone you once loved or the perfect person who is going to come into your life someday.
As far back as you can remember, you have been preoccupied with love and romantic fantasies.
You feel powerless when you fall in love—as if you are in some kind of trance or under a spell. You lose your ability to make wise choices.

Hope that helps with a bit more clarity. I found the meetings a wonderful place to mix with people who were exactly like me. I could deal with my issues week by week and got a lot of support there. They advise that you try out about 6 meetings. If you still don't feel it's your thing, there may be other ways: there may be Facing the Shadows groups in your area, love addiction counselors and therapists who understand the addiction. The best place to start looking for the latter things I mentioned is to call a 12 step rehab facility and ask them if they know of any independent counselors and what therapists they use. It's better to use their therapists because you will know these docs understand addiction. I have found that using therapists who don't understand it can be very destructive, even though they help many other kinds of people. There aren't that many therapists who understand addiction fully. Google is always useful too. You should be able to find meeting lists on the net, or contact numbers for meetings in your area. Which country do you live in?

I really hope you manage to get help.I hope this marks the end of your suffering. You can PM me any time, too, if you have questions.

The part when you talked about being addicted to the change in emotional state grabbed me. It made me realize something I do in relationships. Specifically, I try to prove to the other person that they don't really love me by finding something they are unwilling to do for me. I think I got this from my mom. I know she says things like "you don't love me... if you loved me you'd...x, y, z...". I know she loves drama and being sad and she screamed at me a lot. I somehow got it in my head that a person only loves you as much as they are willing to engage in drama with you, so, I am constantly testing the people who claim to love me, which is what certainly drives them away. How do I escape this? It reminds me also of a Kanye West song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bm5iA4Zupek

And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my $#%^ just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douchebags
Let's have a toast for the assholes
Let's have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know

Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Runaway fast as you can

She find pictures in my email
I sent this bitch a picture of my dick
I don't know what it is with females
But I'm not too good at that $#%^

See, I could have me a good girl
And still be addicted to them hood rats
And I just blame everything on you
At least you know that's what I'm good at

And I always find, yeah, I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my $#%^ just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douchebags
Let's have a toast for the assholes
Let's have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know

Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Runaway fast as you can

Runaway from me, baby
Runaway, runaway from me, baby
Runaway I'm about to get crazy, then runaway
Use the thug plan, runaway as fast as you can

Runaway from me, baby
Runaway, runaway from me, baby
Runaway, I'm about to get crazy
Why can't she just runaway?

Baby I got a plan, runaway as fast as you can

24/7, 365, pussy stays on my mind
I-I-I did it, alright, alright, I admit it
Now pick your next move
You could leave or live with it

Ichabod Crane with that ######6 top off
Split and go where? Back to wearing knockoffs, ha, ha
Knock it off, Neiman's, shop it off
Let's talk over Mai Tai's, waitress, top it off

Ho's like vultures, wanna fly in your Freddy loafers
You can't blame 'em, they ain't never seen Versace sofas
Every bag, every blouse, every bracelet
Comes with a price tag, baby, face it

You should leave if you can't accept the basics
Plenty ho's in the #######3 matrix
Invisibly set, the Rolex is faceless
I'm just young, rich and tasteless, P

Never was much of a romantic
I could never take the intimacy
And I know it did damage
'Cause the look in your eyes is killing me

I guess you knew another vantage
'Cause you could blame me for everything
And I don't know how I'ma manage
If one day you just up and leave

And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my $#%^ just way too long
I'm so gifted at finding what I don't like the most
So I think it's time for us to have a toast

Let's have a toast for the douchebags
Let's have a toast for the assholes
Let's have a toast for the scumbags
Every one of them that I know

Let's have a toast for the jerk-offs
That'll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Runaway fast as you can

-- Tue Dec 13, 2011 11:52 pm --

It makes me sad to think maybe she was really right for me and I scared her off.

I know she was better than my ex wife.

I met her on the rebound from my divorce.

I've never been picky enough about who I give my heart to, so I think she wasn't right for me. She was a high maintenance bitch, she was mean, she was cold, she complained all the time, she wasn't affectionate enough for me, she wasn't sweet, she scolded me so much I had nightmares, couldn't relax or be myself around her. I always knew she didn't really love me (there's my mother talking) but she loved who she wanted to mold me into (she admitted this to me), she was phony. She was all those things but at one point I thought I could mold her too, make her sweeter and more real. She says she is those things now for someone else. Why couldn't she do it for me? Maybe she could but she just won't.

So, when I am finally cured will I not notice the red flags? Or will I just be quicker to dump rather than trying to mold? No one will be perfect so how will I avoid finding the thing I don't like that proves they don't love me and making it an issue?

Thanks

I think basically I am afraid of abandonment, so I try to turn the relationship into an involuntary one, so they can't leave, but of course they always do. My fear of abandonment assures my abandonment.

Why am I so afraid of being abandoned?

My father chose alcohol over me and my mom. He left when I was a baby. He died when I was in puberty. I remember my mom crying about it. Maybe it was her trauma from his abandonment that got to me. She never abandoned me. She was just too dramatic and violent and immature. She never treated me like a mother more like a peer. So, in a sense I never had a mother or a father really. My grandfather was my father figure but he was also violent. My grandmother was always there and sweet and nice, but she let everyone abuse me and turned a blind eye so sort of passive aggressive.

Come to think of it, if you measure love by how much someone will put up with, my grandmother wins because she stayed despite being treated like $#%^ her whole life. Why did she put up with so much? One time I remember as a kid complaining to her about grampa hitting me or something and that's the only time I can remember her yelling at me. She said he was her husband and she wouldn't tolerate me talking bad about him.

I have a pattern of choosing women like my grandmother and behaving like my mother and my grampa. I don't know how to break this pattern. I feel guilty for all the pain and drama I have inflicted upon women. I'm always told that in the beginning with me it was the greatest love the girl ever knew, but that over time that is replaced by misery.

Now I want my ex back. I want her to read this and forgive me and stick with me while I work it out. I am so mad at her for leaving. We even talked about this kind of thing. I am doing everything she asked for, going to therapy, taking anti-depressants... Even after we broke up she said "You are making so much progress" and "I know you are a good man" and "Everything is going to be ok". Why didn't she stick it out like she promised to? She said "It's hard to be with someone who is so depressed for so long". So basically, I got dumped for being depressed.

I want to know why I picked my ex.

For a while I thought I picked her because I felt like she could support me in my transformation to becoming normal. I thought her influence led me down a healthy path. In many ways, it did. It got me into therapy and thinking about these issues.

But in many ways she was unhealthy for me. We both drank more than ever, we both lost touch with our identities. I had a general feeling of unease around her due to her scolding of me. I wanted to change in the ways she wanted, but I wanted to also be accepted for who I was. Kind of impossible there.

I wonder if I picked her for more suspect motives... Part of me thinks I picked her because I knew it wouldn't work out and would provide all the drama I crave. I knew she'd let me objectify her and I didn't feel guilty about it because she objectified me in so many ways.

She stood up to me, but I never could really stand up to her. It's like she held it over my head that she had normal relations with her family and was more sociable, so therefore, she got her way and there was nothing I could teach her about life or love.

I loved her for standing up to me. I thought it would break my habit of being mean to those I love. My exes were all much more like doormats whereas she was much more confident and defended herself. At the same time the fact that she refused to let me mold her while she molded me was frustrating and ultimately caused so much ambivalence in me that I broke our engagement and ultimately she left.

I know that I have to be the one who changes me, but it seems like in this case, having a relationship with a woman who stands up for herself is good practice to help me. Practice I now don't get to have because she left. How am I supposed to learn without practice?

-- Wed Dec 14, 2011 12:22 am --

Another thing I really don't understand is why did she pick me? When we were first dating she had other options... she picked me over them. She told me I was the best man in so many ways. She said I was the best lover, the sweetest, the kindest. That I did the most romantic things for her. That I loved her family more than any guy ever had. She even said she "needed me" to help her become more loving. Was this all #######4 she said so that she could manipulate me into spending so much money on her?

When you've started moving towards recovery you'll have a better idea of the answers to all your questions. You'll immediately begin to identify with other relationship addicts and learn from their experience. These are not the kind of questions you can get an answer to on a forum, unfortunately. If they were, we would all be able to resolve our issues within a couple of days and there would be no problems in the world. There is no quick fix. Nobody can tell you, "This is why you do this. Abracadabra! You're cured." This is a process of self examination WITH someone who has recovery and with a therapist and a process of learning to use the tools that you will be provided with to help you live your life in a more healthy way. I emphasise that the examination needs to happen with another healthy person because when we're in the throws of an addiction we have a lot of denial and we believe so many things to be absolutely true where in fact they just aren't. People say, "My mind is a bad neighbourhood. I don't dare go in there alone." This is so true in this case.

A woman who wants to change you is not the right person for you. Relationships should not be about the 'potential' of the person you're with or who is with you. Healthy partners accept one another exactly as they are. You cannot live a happy life with the constant sense that you aren't good enough. It's simply unacceptable. You deserve better.

Recovery from relationship addiction is not only about recognising the red flags. It's about using tools to live life on life's terms, taking it a day at a time, changing your own unhealthy behaviors in relationships. As an example, when I used to get involved in a relationship, I would immediately become obsessed with that person. I would see them every day and stop seeing friends and doing all the things I did before I met that person. Now, when I get involved, I have boundaries. I continue to see my friends and do everything I used to. I put limits on the amount of time I spend with the person. I remain a whole person. Another example: I used to be dishonest in relationships in the sense that I never spoke about what I really felt. Instead of saying, "I feel insecure and I just want you to know that I'm dealing with the issue, it's probably not because of anything you've done. I think I'm just having a mood. It would be nice, though, if you held me a while." I used to start a fight about that woman he spoke to at the party and create so much drama it'd place the relationship in jeopardy. I'm not a jealous person but I'm just making up an incident that's relevant so that I can manipulate the man into giving me the drama that will make me feel better. In the past, I would never say how I really felt or ask for what I needed, or take responsibility for my own emotions. I would just get angry and hurt and start some drama. It's a very intimate way of existing in a relationship and in the beginning that intimacy is quite scary, but ultimately, isn't true intimacy and honesty what love is meant to be about. And it's quite an experience to have an honest, accepting, intimate relationship.

No, people aren't perfect, it's just that I know what my non negotiables are in a man. I do not accept a man who wants to change me. I don't accept lack of respect. There are many others I have. And when I come across these non negotiables, I don't inform the man that he needs to change and that I find his behavior unacceptable. I don't threaten to leave if he ever does it again. I just leave because I'm not in a relationship to turn someone into my soul mate. I'm in a relationship to FIND someone I can love and be happy with and accept, just as he is. There are many 'faults' that I can accept in a man and when I come across them, I don't try to change them either. I accept them and love him for them.

All the abandonment issues, the mother issues, all the other stuff you will learn to understand and let go in time, with work.

Wow... I finally rounded the corner on my post-breakup-depression today. Interestingly enough, I will give partial credit, ironically, to my relationship addiction.

So, I started dating and last week had a girl over, we got frisky and I couldn't reach orgasm. I looked it up online and realized this was a common side effect of Lexapro. So, being a relationship addict I decided to stop taking the Lex (which I started about a month ago due to feeling suicidal when my ex slept with another man) and thought I was choosing getting high (sex) over my own life and happiness. Strangely enough, since stopping the Lex my mind has come into much more powerful focus and now I am not only committed to avoiding relationships but also had several major epiphanies in my thought process regarding my ex.

I know now for example that the reason I felt uneasy around my ex and pushed her away was because she was actually profoundly depressed and emotionally abusive to me in the following very specific way: she could not experience joy. I remembered how we never laughed, only chuckled at clever witty things. There was no silliness or play in our relationship, it was always so serious. I was vulnerable following my divorce and she manipulated me into doubting myself and accepting her guidance without question as she tried to mold me into the perfect "man". Apparently, joy and laughter are inappropriate for adults in her world view because she never laughed once during the whole year and a half I knew her. I stopped appreciating silly humor and would only chuckle when she gave permission to do so. If I laughed at something inappropriate, she'd be sure to let me know I embarrassed her with my uncouth ways.

When this all hit me this morning it was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders as I realized the truth: I couldn't marry her because I have a strong drive to experience joy and laughter that is far more important to me than being seen as cool or fitting in to her view of polite society. As soon as I realized this, I thanked my lucky stars for having dodged such a dreadful bullet with her. The money spent on the diamond was nothing compared to the satisfaction of knowing she is out of my life for good. My subconscious saved me by pushing her away and acting like a fool during our breakup. This ensured she would never, ever try to come back! YAY!! Ding dong the bitch is gone!!!

The other epiphany I had today was that I was thrilled to be alone. When the girl I am seeing sent me a text message I realized I was slightly disappointed she wanted to continue seeing me. I realized that entanglement with romantic relationships is draining and is the opposite of what I want and need right now. I realized how lucky I was to finally have some ME time for the first time in probably 10 or 15 years!! I started remembering who I was, what I used to be interested in, what made me me and gave me the joy of living or joie de vivre! I felt like my brain has been asleep for so long. I used to read and have beliefs and opinions and enthusiasm and interest. I used to use my brain! I am so excited now to get back to being me and rediscovering myself!!!!

I don't know if it was time or getting off the lexapro or what triggered it, but I am feeling so much better. For anyone else out there who is thinking that without a relationship, they are nothing... try to remember who you were in elementary school, middle school, high school... back when you read books or did sports and had enthusiasm for life and wanted to be liked for who you were and not what role you could pretend to play. Try as hard as you can because you owe it to yourself to love yourself!

I came to the realization today of how fast life goes by, how quickly relationships can develop and distract you from yourself and start to drain you with responsibility for another person's emotions. I realized this could be the last chance I get to be alone if I were to meet the right person next. This made me want to put off dating and romance for as long as it takes to develop my separate individuality to an extent that it is strong enough to withstand love, marriage... even kids. No matter thee responsibilities that come my way my primary responsibility is to be myself and experience JOY of living my own life while I have the chance!

Good luck to everyone and please wish me luck and good fortune that this is not a temporary effect of Lexapro withdrawal and that I will do the hard work to become proud of myself and love myself and know myself again before attaching to another. Pray for me!

As glad as I am to have a chance at happiness now, I still wish things had gone differently. I wish she had been more accepting of me, a more genuine, joyful person. More accepting of individuality that differed from the norm. Less scolding, more silly. I am getting close to where I can say what she was in a word or 2. Phony bitch seems to do the job. But it seems needlessly derogatory. The thing is, I always knew she was a slutty socialite but I liked it. She never lied to me, never would have cheated. She was a monogamous slut, most men's dream come true! But, she wasn't very deep, was kinda fake acting, mean, uptight, snooty, never laughed, couldn't lose composure... I just couldn't put up with it anymore! It ruined the sex for me because I never felt close enough to her for it to go from being sex to intimacy. I feel doomed in a sense because I wonder if any woman I can get that close to, will just not be slutty enough, or if they are, will be a cheater or have a kid or an STD. I wish I could have been happy with her. I tried to make myself but I just couldn't. So, now I am alone. But at least I am not having to be someone other than myself. The holidays are rough without a partner. I want to believe I wouldn't take her back if she begged. I am not 100% sure of that.

I think a lot of people out there are scared, and we use relationships to make us feel better. Sometimes it seems like there's no point of living without a relationship. I'm certainly jealous of those who seem to be able to maintain them. It's hard to feel good about being alone. It's so foreign to me. I never thought I was living for myself. I always thought the point of life was to live with a partner. Without a partner, there's no point. Well, obviously I am not doing so well. Past few days my ex called me because she was scared. She has a new boyfriend but she calls me to have me sweet talk her to sleep. Then she texts me to say she won't be calling, so as not to confuse either of us anymore. ###$ bitch. What did I expect? I can't believe I was there for her like that. She used me and she keeps using me and it leaves me feelig like $#%^, just like it always did when we were together.

Also, not only are sex and intimacy 2 different things, sex can be used to avoid intimacy. It's almost like they are opposite from each other. I'm sure most people know this intuitively and are like "So what? I'll take sex over intimacy!" These are the same people who like to get drunk and who have casual sex and end up business men. I'm still jealous of these people. Why can't I accept that I am a dork, a nerd, a misfit and to just love myself? I so wanted to be part of the cool crowd but I just can't. I want to feel like I get to have something better than social acceptance. But, what could be better? It's all I've ever really wanted.

Just a little follow up....

This sad story has a happy ending. Through a combination of willpower and some creative forcing myself into situations that were not conducive to forming relationships (such as filling my spare time with work, hobbies, etc...) I have successfully broken my relationship habit. I have stopped compulsively masturbating and having sex with random women and now am able to remind myself that I deserve better and I am not ready for a relationship. I am enjoying getting to know myself and love myself again and am super excited to be really working on the one relationship I know will last: my relationship with myself

Hopeful, as a usually silent reader I am glad you are doing better. I am in a similar position, even though not as severe as it seems, that gives me hope. So thanks a lot!