Handling a Break Up

So...

I'd been with my fiance' for about a year and a half. I have some issues that I am in therapy for but basically I idealize a girl for a while and then devalue her at some point, when I feel unsafe or something, basically I start to treat her like an object and find all kinds of flaws and make her and myself miserable. It all probably traces back to my mother. So, anyway, with my fiance' I can say she had the strongest backbone of any girl I've been with and I was able to restrain myself and did not treat her even 5% as bad as I treated any girl before her, but it was killing me 1 to hold back and 2 to know I'd have to lose her over these issues because I couldn't work them out while we were together. So, eventually, over a few weeks, I was able to tell her how I feel and we are now living apart and broken up. However, we still talk about how we might one day get back together once I have been "cured" and we are still listed as "engaged" on our online profiles (though only to each other since we stopped publishing our relationship status). So, this week she is planning on going to a singles event, and then later in the week she plans to take me out to dinner for my birthday. Should I cancel the dinner? Should I change my status and publish that I am single online? I don't want to hurt her, but I also don't want to lead her on (although, with her going to a singles event I don't think she's feeling too led on), and I'm sure she feels the same way. I think we both seriously hope to get back together again someday, I am just wondering what the right thing to do now is. Another option I thought of is that I pay for the dinner, and talk with her about the online status thing over dinner. I don't really know what to do. Sucks to have yet another sucky birthday approaching

It sucks because we had really great sex. She was so pretty and nice. She was just really bitchy and stuck up sometimes. I felt like i wasn't good enough for her. She always had resentment whenever she did things to please me. ###$ I am so conflicted part of me wants to try and get her back. Grrrrrr

What the right to do now is depends on who’s answering I will give you my opinion, but please take it with a grain of salt..I am not at all suggesting that you should accept it.

First...online status. I don’t know exactly why that is bothering you so much. I wouldn’t think it’s relevant if my partner put on FB that he is married with 5 children...but then, I don’t think FB in general is at all relevant. Now that you are not together anymore you can put any status you want, if that is important to you. Whether she changes hers, it’s up to her.

Your other question regarding your future contact is, in my opinion, more important for your relationship....I think it all starts with whether you can communicate with each other without being hostile and hurtful. Some couples can do it right from the get go, others need some time after a break up. If you want or plan to ever get back together you’ll have to work on that anyhow b/c obviously you do have some issues. In my opinion, the only way a relationship can survive and be as healthy as possible is when/if partners learn to responsibly communicate without pushing each other’s buttons...or, if it happens – and it does happen - learn to keep it cool instead of triggering each other further. As you mentioned in your original post maybe you need some alone time before you can start seeing each other again as friends. And that’s fine. Having said that, I don’t think there is anything wrong per se when former partners go out for dinner/drink/movies, have fun, etc if they both feel like it and especially if they plan to get back together again in the future.

Listen to your emotions. If you feel like going out for dinner with her – go...Oil your hair, wear a lot of some Wal-Mart brand cologne and make sure to practice that old Marlboro commercial look! She’ll be yours no matter what! On the other hand, if you feel that it may trigger you or make her feel bad/too emotional, if you are not in a good mood or if you need to sort out your emotions first then explain her nicely that you think it’s too soon.

Happy B-day and good luck with your therapy!

She met someone else at the singles event and took him back to her place and they had sex. I know this because I asked her, and she told me all about it. Since that night I have been unable to sleep, contemplating suicide, unable to do pretty much anything. I feel old and lonely and stupid. She was so young and pretty and nice and I lost her. She is totally gone. I told her yesterday I would marry her right then that day and she said no, she'd moved on. She still says there is some slim chance of us getting back together. I don't know why she says that. I think she is just trying not to hurt my feelings. Anyway, my blood pressure has been really high lately and last night I went out for my birthday with some friends and we went to a club and I saw lots of ladies but none of them compared to her. I miss her so much but I know I am the one who initiated the break up. I am the one who proposed and then 2 months later cancelled it. Yesterday I decided I felt bad keeping the ring and asked her to take it back. She said if I still felt that way in a few weeks she would. She is so wise and mature. I can't help thinking I've made a horrible mistake. But, I also think that had she been right for me I wouldn't have felt so anxious, or she would have helped me through it more or something. She would have cared more about trying to keep us together. I feel like she didn't really care because she has always told me how hot she is and can get another guy any minute, and that's what she did as soon as she had the chance. I was so horny with her and since she left I can't masturbate or even think of chasing other girls. Why would I break up with a girl and then pine away after her so much? What is wrong with me?

-- Sat Nov 12, 2011 4:02 pm --

Also, I am in a giant house just by myself. I bought this house with my ex wife, who left me for similar reasons. I feel the entire house is haunted with ghosts. I am torn between attempting to sell the house at a loss, renting the entire place and moving into an apartment or getting roommates and moving into the downstairs bedroom. I don't know what to do.

Hi,
has anything important happened since your last conversation? Have you been able to calm down a bit?

Try not to focus so much on her present behaviour....I am sure you know that very often after a break up, especially with someone whom we loved, we are not ourselves and do and say things that are far away from what we really think or feel. In your initial post you talked a little bit about some problems that you were having and how you treated her. Maybe she needs some time and space to heal, maybe you need, too. I totally understand that you are hurt but if at all possible try to be nice and civil to each other, give space and time but do not burn bridges...

I don't know if the bridge is burned, but it is singed a little. I sent her one text message that wasn't very nice. We've spoken since and I apologised, and she said she loves me and thinks I am a good man and will be ok. She just says I am being a baby and need to "man up".

My therapist has gotten me to express a much different perspective on the relationship: That she manipulated me, an abused boy, into spending half my life savings on her. Honestly it's kinda how I felt for most of the relationship and I broke up with her early on because I suspected her motives. I still am profoundly depressed but I don't want her back. It was killing me to be with her and I can breathe more deeply now. I hope the heartbreak goes away soon. It's difficult to avoid looking at her profile and feeling pain at all of her new friends and social activities. Makes me feel so abnormal and inferior.

I feel that I understand some of your feelings, did you not have a good relationship with your mother?

I had/have a horrible relationship with my mother. She was extremely abusive. Verbally, physically, and in my opinion sexually as well. She has all her sisters on her side so now I've also lost the family I grew up with. I have extremely low self esteem. I was this last girlfriend's puppet and now I want to be her puppet again. She is much happier since we split up though so no chance for me to have her back. I am miserable and hating myself. It is difficult to get out of bed each day and I can't seem to clean up my living space. The timing sucks so bad because last christmas I spent it with my ex and her family and had one of the greatest most loving times of my life and really felt like I would someday have a loving family to be a part of.

I still haven't worked out the family stuff, but I am on my own and happier than I've been in many years. I enjoy breathing deeply knowing I am not living a lie!