Left BPD Girlfriend

Well, after 3 years of on again, off again gyrations, I left. Basically, we broke up ( for the kajillionth time) about two months ago when she was going thru a very crazy period where she tried to get pregnant without telling me. I truly thought we were done and I blocked her and stayed away. While we were apart I went to South America and had a great time. The problem is, we ended up getting back together about a week after that trip. Yeah, I know. Stupid me.

Well, I made a few female friends while I was there and made a couple of them my friends on facebook. She "discovered" them and went ballistic. She told me that I did not have the right to bring females into our relationship (while she brought guys in...yeah, right) and made my life a living hell for the past 4 weeks. I bent over backwards trying to apologize (for what, I don't know) including a Labor Day trip to Napa where she raged at me twice and brought up two of her old boyfriends during a dinner (two guys who were toxic to us for reasons I won't even mention here).

Well, the poop hit the fan this past week when she found out I texted "hey you" to a female friend in Florida I was supposed to have deleted from my life. I texted this one early evening when I was feeling down and needed a sanity check (I live in TX and had been avoiding any female friends here due to her insecurities---always compromising I was). Why did I need the sanity check? Well, earlier that day I brought her lunch and flowers to her work and we sat in the car and talked about her lack of career direction (yes, she changes careers yearly and never finished degree--she is 26). She asked me what I thought her issue was. I told her we only had 5 minutes before she had to go back and that it was probably best we talk about that later because she might not like my answer. Well, guess what? She insisted and I answered back that she had a victim mentality and was very gentle in a walking on eggshells kind of way like I have done so often. She raged at me and when I brought her back she jumped out of the car and did not even say "bye". Typical of her to set me up like that--no win.

Well, the next morning she came over and she started asking me if I wanted to be with her forever. I said yes, but her mood changes were tough to deal with. She then asked me why I texted the girl from FL. Turns out she put spyware on my phone. I told her I was just feeling down and that I had been feeling rather emotionally neglected lately. Well, she grabbed my phone and was trying to call the FL woman and I went to take the phone back--that is when she bit my hand. Yeha, she has been a raging lunatic the last 2 months, and her behavior has been rather weird in a trying to cover something up kind of way. Well, she left the apartment in a rage and called me a cheater. Later that day I texted her and she said "leave me alone forever" and I simply admitted to emotionally cheating on her because she was not giving me anything in that dept.

Truth be told, I had been emotionally cheating on her for about two months, ever since she started acting really kind of strange. I was finding that I needed some emotional support.

SO now I am a "cheater" in her eyes and she has painted me black. For the first time, I feel clarity. She has really gotten herself into debt with her old student loans, IRS, and broken down car and was leaning heavy on me for financial support to the tune of around $35,000.

In the end, I pulled away because I was being played. I don't like the idea that I cheated on her emotionally, and I probably should not have gone down to South America during our break up, but I feel it was me being true to myself. I have learned some good things form a great therapist over the past 6 months, and learning my boundaries has stuck with me.

I know we are done forever and I am ok with that. She really got abusive and the more I gave her the less she seemed to respect me.

I am writing this because I feel bad about being a "cheater" and I know she has a lot of problems she depended on me to solve. Classic case of a bottomless pit, however. I just had to leave. Now she is really, really pissed. She has accused me of everything bad, and not being a man of my word.

So...am I a jerk or was my departure overdue....looking back, I realize I should have just left 2 months ago but somehow I was in denial.

Any feedback and insight would be appreciated, especially into how a bpd reacts when the breakup is over "cheating" by the non.

Thanks!

vanhalen69 wrote:we sat in the car and talked about her lack of career direction (yes, she changes careers yearly and never finished degree--she is 26)

From my own experience, talking about career etc..can be a touchy subject. Maybe you feel as if this should be easy to talk about but it isn`t.
I remember i asked my previous boyfriend if he ever had a job and he got ballistic. Its touchy because she is probably taught about rejection from her own family when it comes to prestige vs. no prestige etc...
When i was 26 years old i didn`t know what i wanted to do with the rest of my life, so i don`t think that is so unormal, but i do understand your concern.
Still coming back from your trip and then acting to be her parent is probably not such a good thing? I know from myself that i often come back vigorous from trips so you were probably not at the same page that day.
You have to make a choice if you can stick to this relationship or not? Its hard for someone else to make that decision just as it is you and not the readers of this who finds something loveable about that girl.

A break is always messy in my opinion.

I don`t think you win anything from criticising her, i know you said you have spent money on her and i think that is sweet. Also you feel as if its not your responsibility to do this and so you try to make her earn more money? The money you spent for your trip to SA?

Never the less it is your choice what you do and how you spend your money, maybe you could say in a nice way that you would like to not help her out economical any more?

I think that your relationship evolved into this, were you probably felt proud that you could help her for a while right?

And you should but at the same time why can`t she look after her self?
You feel over loaded with responsibilities for her.

This is what i can give to you!
It sounds like you have a bound to her.
Most people need each other for either this or that...some people can only hang on for a while.
Maybe she has some issues from the past and therefore has appreciated your stability and help(even if she can`t tell you that).
I don`t think she would be that jealous if she didn`t care about you, and i don`t think that she only holds on to you for the money.

Most people only want to be understood, maybe you could say that you are trying to understand her, and that you want to understand her?

You need to understand each other.

I bet she was good in the sack though.