Relationship, sex, and communication...

I'm new to 2 of these... The first one and the last one.

I don’t live in the same town as my boyfriend, so we have to travel to meet up. Recently he txted me to say he was feeling in the mood for some fun, so I said come over.

The trouble is every time I say come over when we are both in the mood he asks me “what I want” meaning what I want to do in bed (we like to do all sorts of adventurous things). Its not too bad when im not stressed out, but I still have to think, and I don’t like phones, so having to think it all up and reply is quite difficult for me. But when I’ve been stressed, I really can’t answer stuff like that.

Sex is something I think about when im happier, more relaxed and being intimate. Thoughts of being together lead off into sexual fantasies. When I am stressed I can’t think of anything at all. Its not that being stressed means I won’t want to have sex or something, that’s not true at all, just that I can’t think straight.

...Not that I’m against talking about sex, I’m really not, I like talking about sex, but I feel really put on the spot when asked suddenly “what I want”! To me sex is about making love... together... and we haven’t even had a chance to explore all the different things we could do but I’d like to be able to just relax and explore stuff – and chat about stuff in a more laid back way just talking about what we might both like and letting one thing lead to another. I guess it makes me feel put on the spot or under pressure.

The other thing is, I used to be quite “I want sex now” and as much as I still want sex its become more complicated than that, and I’ve changed as a person too (he knows I’ve changed) but in some ways I find it quite upsetting cause to me its like I don’t “want” something, I want to be with you, and though there are lots of things I might “want”, wanting those is all part of that, and wanting them together.

I feel like I want to explore what we both really like and have a sexual experience together, not swap things we want/need without really being able to communicate how we really feel about stuff. I don’t even mind if there is some stuff one of us likes and the other doesn’t, and then there is nothing wrong with doing stuff just for each other too.

On the outside I’m not the softest fluffiest girl, and I have to admit I wasn’t on the inside either before, but ive changed. But people sometimes think I’m completely cold or that emotion isn’t even important to me between people or something, even that I don’t have any feelings for him, but all it is is that I just can’t throw myself in that fast, relationships have to be people comfortable with each other realtime too, when we have spent most of the time talking on the phone and are both quite shy it just takes time.

though I haven’t had an easy life, I’m not, I’m just afraid of letting people in, and am actually really sensitive underneath in some ways, and while I can be level headed and quite a tough cookie, in other ways I’m a lot more sensitive than people sometimes realise.

I want to explain this, I don’t know how. How do I tell him how I feel without making it sound like I think he’s done anything wrong? The thing is, I don’t “want” – I want what we both want, and I’m not sure he’s understood that when I tried to explain it before. And I definitely don’t mean I don’t want to try out and do loads of different stuff too... because I do want that too.

The other thing is, there are some other things I think he might have understood but I’m confused why. While I’ve gone out there and done a lot, ive never been in a steady long term relationship, so while I’ve experienced a few different things, I haven’t had the chance to pick up some more fancy skills with some of the things we like to do, while he’s settled into relationships in the past and had more of a chance to learn things in detail and try them out so he is a lot more skilled in some areas....

I don’t know why but for some reason he thought I was embarrassed somehow at him wanting to teach me stuff, I even asked him to teach me something, and I don’t know why he thinks I’m uncomfortable or don’t want to be shown up, and I don’t really get why he thought that...

I don’t want to stand him up, and I don’t mind chatting about things I just want him to understand... maybe it is all me and not being too good at communicating, maybe somehow I could say these things in a text. I don’t know...

But I'm new to all this...

I don't want him to feel like I am demanding things of him, or expecting them either, I just want him to know how I feel, that's all, and that I feel like this is about me really wanting to be with him, for real, and letting him in, not rejecting him in any way.

And that me saying some of these things are hard for me is not because I don't have feelings for him, i feel these things because I love him and want to be close to him, if I didn't I wouldn't feel how I do.

Hi, Trying2Explain.

Communication can be pretty tricky sometimes... maybe it its hard to talk about or too long for a text message you could write it all down and try to explain it that way?

I'm not exactly a big expert myself, but it sounds like on one level you're really talking and being intimate with each other, but when it comes to sex does asking what you want feel like a sudden detachment or rejection to you, as if its just a list of things you want. i can understand how that might throw you a bit.

Why don't you ask him to explain what's going on for him there, or if its just crossed wires? I'm not very good with text messages either, so i get that - with that, what might just be a simple question to him might cause you stress and make you feel put on the spot.

You should try to explain, and ask him what he feels too.