Invisible Hearts

Hi, I am a new non (here). I was a lurker for quite some time and I wanted to take the time to say hello to everyone and thank you all for sharing your stories with such candid enthusiasm and sometimes humorous grit. If anything a few hours reading the content of this forum really does remind you that ignorance is bliss. There are some really creative and really intelligent people here.

I feel we make up a rare and special part of the population and I am a early 30s husband and father who might call himself a ferromagnetic or ferroelectric lover as I suppose many of us nons are in life. Life.... A magnet for dating a particularly fantastic, sometimes seductive (very good and can be bad or annoying), confusing and intelligent BPD hermit for eons.

I guess I don't really know where to start beyond... err.. I'm.. Well, it seems that we Earthlings are so complex and at the same time so simple that chemistry is everything and your congruency to your partner ends up helping you understand more about yourself than anyone ever could hope to accomplish alone. I am your typical non I guess, defender of the weak, man of atomic accuracy moral compass imposed on pretty much myself I never really was into judging others, and in my youth I was your typical chaotic risk taking not afraid to die under achiever.

If you were like me you fell in love with feelings you don't quite understand (it feels really good) until you are forced into "check" or your continued harmonic existence seems in jeopardy and I think it goes without saying that most nons fall in love and take it for granted pretty damn quick unless the BPD they are in love with is visibly causing disturbances to the harmony of your love. Perhaps a more personal way to explain it is one day you wake up and not for the first time you “wonder” if your life is really a sick twisted x rated version or take on "The Trueman Show" with a higher percentage of the XXX going (you think) happing outside the fake SuperDome world.
At any rate: I hope this is the right place for this and I hope that I don't break any rules I missed as this is my first post. Here goes...

I don't know where to start other than, our relationship started with one of the best years of my life (eons ago) and then without going into too much detail.... Umm.. (Exactly in the classical BPD sense) ...then I felt too crowded, yes I took her for granted, I was an unruly child and all I really wanted was some "Space" I was 17 or so, I .... Her mom calls me up she's in the hospital. She had told me about the wrists and the cutting before hand, and having the real life wisdom of a Goose on the freeway I responded only 1 1/billionth as much as I should have, and I had 10 years to think about that. I've spent the last few weeks reading the hundreds of letters she wrote me and I keep telling myself those are really her feelings for me, not some twisted up gimmick to keep me. At any rate eons later, a 3 year old who I am now starting to think has quite the temperament and direction for BPD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder) Like his mother he has very sharp sense of accomplishment and focus and he's got my creativity in many aspects (His mom is a 4.0 Grad) and I believe at least some of it wasn't the result of seeking her fathers approval.

At any rate, she agrees that she is a Hermit BPD, and she still desperately loves me. I really love her too like something fierce and. I have always been push over 101 you know me, always wanting to be happy through the happiness I create in those around me. At some point I really hit an existential crises. It wasn't long after the first trip to the hospital that she ended up going out getting drunk and checking out the local fare on me, and I was just a young fool in love and eventually took her back because she really had (has) a way of making me happy like any other girls I had met. She seemed and still does seem to be my souls other half, I wish I could form our child into the 3rd harmonious sect of this extra-terrestrial gathering but for the life of us he seems through no fault (well some) of his own be determined to take the family down.
At any rate, I had talked about this feeling I have started getting over the last six months that there really is and always has been more going on than meets the eye. I feel like I am a captive on some strange level. I have started talking to my wife about BPD as I just learned about it and had my moment of understanding and then a week or month long WTF that I'm not sure has stopped yet. I always feel like there are other factors outside my control which shift the closeness or distance emotionally to my wife and all I really can say beyond that is that she says nothing is up and we have made good strides in the last few months after more than two years of hell with me trying to work on a relationship I felt was forged in heaven and a son I love so much who is also until I can learn to understand him for me a problem child (who is brilliant and super loving at times, but more independent than I am at others).

I'm not sure if I should ask any questions, but I want someone to validate my thoughts, my questions, did any of you used to feel like I felt and then one day you woke up and realized everything was great and you lived happily ever after? Maybe doing this was a bad idea, I've never joined a forum for help, I don't remember the last time I ever asked anyone for help.

I would rather be happy than a good poet and philosopher (something I must keep telling myself, I need to work on me so that I can help them)

Thank you if you actually read all of that.

Hi, FerroelasticLover! You have a partner and a child and you're trying to help them and connect with them better, I think that is great! There are BPDs who are in good relationships and they can make them work, I've talked to a few people with BPD and with therapy and understanding, you guys will be ok. Encourage her through her healing, support her and ask the therapist how to help your child too, if it's necessary.
How do you plan to work on yourself?
Try posting in the BPD forum too if you like!

Jasmin, thanks for the reply. I told a pretty long story and I glossed over some stuff and I think most people sign up here either trying to help if this is a gift they have or they sign up when they need to ask for help. I'm not very good at asking for help and up until recently I felt idiotic taking any sort of help from just about anyone besides my wife. I think it's screwed up but on some level I have some really messed up trust issues.

I'm a highly technical person. (I never knew why I pushed myself so hard as a autodidact) I have patents pending in major industries that will totally change how their core products/services are rendered. I love writing software, I love databases, I love anything out of gadget land, I wrote research on how we would interact in 2012 back in 2006 about the mobile device explosion & communication explosion, human behavior evolving... Technically, I know how all of it works and with the exception of using it to invade her privacy none of it can help me to understand what I needed to understand these years the most.

I've been with my wife for EONS, we had a few times where things went sour south but then I had figured that things were better. I had no idea triangulation existed in humans at an emotional level. I still don't know went wrong those times, I was told it was alcohol and I still am beating myself trying to understand what I did what I could have done different 10 years ago, trying to figure out something that simply does not make sense.
My wife has went through periods where her appearance has jumped off a cliff, I remember a lot of these times. She says she's a waif, and she "wants" to work with me to figure this out, I just have this amazing feeling inside of me though, I feel as though I have been suspended into a reality which does not have legs, I feel as though there is more to my "our" past, I have trust issues, I don't know what is fact or fiction, the stories I've read which stereotype my wife do NOT help me feel better. Part of what I want to do is fix myself.
I lost my job in some part because of choices I made trying to fix "us" I've been trying to fix us for over two years now, it wasn't until a month or two ago that I really understood this was our problem. Nobody wakes up looks at their wife laying in bed and out of the blue realizes their wife has a mental disorder. For me it was the contrast of her reactions towards me over time. I simply had a hard time believing that someone who was obviously so special could end up being the guy who destroyed the world.

I have never felt so helpless in my life. If I could prioritize just myself, I might take a break and start my business up. I've sat and watched 6 figure opportunities roll right by and not even chase them. I feel broken inside, I don't return friends phone calls, I have this damn urge that I must not stop until my wife and son are healthy again and then I read all of these articles that tell me what I am trying to do can not be done and me even wanting to help is nothing more than a byproduct of this sickness.

My wife has come around. I think it was when i was able to correlate some things from her childhood with the present. Needless to say, I worry too much, I don't respect who I am anymore on some level, I am a strong person on many levels and I am sickened to realize that my inability to throw my wife out on the street is the result of me being weak, not me being strong.

How can I tell if my wife is having "relapse" of this episodic type stuff, she doesn't do well when it comes to asking me for anything, I am fighting an invisible war, with invisible love, and we are both in the darkness now but need and strain press me on, how do any of you think I could persuade my wife to act in a way which lent itself to installing trust in the relationship in a way that did not make me feel like I was 12?

She is very smart, she has no problem manipulating me, I don't know how I will ever talk her into being open to me especially if she does have some horrible dark side which she says she doesn't have. I want to believe that I am being honest to myself and her when I tell her I want her to open up to me to let her know whatever it is that drives her can be banished if she so wishes and at times I let her know how much I am mentally destroyed already, I never signed up for any of this that I knew of, we simply always had such a damn good time together that was so damn simple. I do not understand how I arrived here, I feel as though we've been cursed by astronomically negative odds before and passed with no issue, but here I stand eating thoughts and words I couldn't take back 15 years ago, not to mention today.

best to you all,

FM3^M<3'R

You've been through a lot, you sound exhausted! It's ok to want to focus on yourself and your life and business, but remember your son too. Your wife has to get professional help. The therapist could help you out too or you could get one for yourself, if you can afford it, that is. You could separate from her, but you can't leave your son to stay with her if she's in such a bad place and manipulative too.
It's ok if you don't want to be in a relationship with her any more. You could focus on trying to get your life back together and taking good care of your son now. It would still be pretty good even if she doesn't change and you won't be married any more, don't you think?
It sounds like you have a very interesting passion and potential career.
Please post in the BPD forum too, and respectfully ask for their advice, if you wish.