Communication problem - Post-it Notes!

Most of this is going to be from my perspective - but that's not to say nothing needs to change from his too, just that I'm me, and I don't want to try to put words in his mouth, since he's not here writing them!

We agreed we should talk about our feelings more.... But since then he has been trying to communicate by leaving lots of little post-it notes round the house randomly guessing what's "wrong" with me. Sometimes there is stuff wrong, but half the time he's taking guesses where there is nothing wrong! But when there is something wrong "what's wrong" and "are you ok" tend to work best to find out.

I understand if he feels shy about talking about things one-to-one, but it just gets too much, there are just too many notes. It makes it really hard to even work out what is him communicating how he feels and what is him talking about "me".

I know there are some other problems attached to this so i'm not judging, I just feel this is a problem and want to try to sort things out between us!

I don't know if he does this when he has a problem with something i've said or done instead of telling me how what i did made him feel or if he is just trying to help. The thing is I'm very capable of saying how I feel and asking for help when I need it. Also, its hard to write things "as they are" on the post-its because other people come into the house so there are things we have to leave out or end up explaining badly.

I don't even want him to work out what is "wrong", i would rather he just asked what my feelings are and listen, and tell me how he feels about things too.

I would rather he ask "how do you feel when" instead of "do you feel this way"? Sometimes he has managed to do that more recently instead. its not as though he's not trying, there's a lot he's trying really hard with, so I'm not after "he's nuts, leave him!" responses.

Sometimes it all gets a bit much. holding one conversation on post-it notes isn't too bad, but I find myself trying to hold a whole load. it takes longer than just talking would (face to face or with the notes!) and is so much more prone to misunderstandings because neither of us can just reply "that isn't what I meant" straight off.

I do have the time and want to talk and listen, and I want to, but I don't have the time or energy to sort through all those notes! If he really has to use notes, one private one left on top of my pillow would work a lot better!

For him I wonder if it also means its harder for him to tell me if anything is bugging him about what I'm doing too, because I don't always get the memo!

How can I try to bring this up with him? I don't want to hurt or upset him, I just think we really need to make some adjustments to this communication idea.

I'm not saying it is all him either, in the past i have been very shy about talking about feelings with romantic partners, so post-it notes have made that easier on me too.

Some day we are going to have to stop using notes and start talking! I don't know when the best time for that is, but something needs sorting out either way.

Any suggestions from anyone would really be appreciated!

Thank you x

ByTheSea wrote:Most of this is going to be from my perspective - but that's not to say nothing needs to change from his too, just that I'm me, and I don't want to try to put words in his mouth, since he's not here writing them!
We agreed we should talk about our feelings more.... But since then he has been trying to communicate by leaving lots of little post-it notes round the house randomly guessing what's "wrong" with me. Sometimes there is stuff wrong, but half the time he's taking guesses where there is nothing wrong! But when there is something wrong "what's wrong" and "are you ok" tend to work best to find out.
I understand if he feels shy about talking about things one-to-one, but it just gets too much, there are just too many notes. It makes it really hard to even work out what is him communicating how he feels and what is him talking about "me".
I know there are some other problems attached to this so i'm not judging, I just feel this is a problem and want to try to sort things out between us!
I don't know if he does this when he has a problem with something i've said or done instead of telling me how what i did made him feel or if he is just trying to help. The thing is I'm very capable of saying how I feel and asking for help when I need it. Also, its hard to write things "as they are" on the post-its because other people come into the house so there are things we have to leave out or end up explaining badly.
I don't even want him to work out what is "wrong", i would rather he just asked what my feelings are and listen, and tell me how he feels about things too.
I would rather he ask "how do you feel when" instead of "do you feel this way"? Sometimes he has managed to do that more recently instead. its not as though he's not trying, there's a lot he's trying really hard with, so I'm not after "he's nuts, leave him!" responses.
Sometimes it all gets a bit much. holding one conversation on post-it notes isn't too bad, but I find myself trying to hold a whole load. it takes longer than just talking would (face to face or with the notes!) and is so much more prone to misunderstandings because neither of us can just reply "that isn't what I meant" straight off.
I do have the time and want to talk and listen, and I want to, but I don't have the time or energy to sort through all those notes! If he really has to use notes, one private one left on top of my pillow would work a lot better!
For him I wonder if it also means its harder for him to tell me if anything is bugging him about what I'm doing too, because I don't always get the memo!
How can I try to bring this up with him? I don't want to hurt or upset him, I just think we really need to make some adjustments to this communication idea.
I'm not saying it is all him either, in the past i have been very shy about talking about feelings with romantic partners, so post-it notes have made that easier on me too.
Some day we are going to have to stop using notes and start talking! I don't know when the best time for that is, but something needs sorting out either way.
Any suggestions from anyone would really be appreciated!
Thank you x

I kind of like this because i am a big writer myself and write a lot!!
Why not play along and enjoy the ride. You could perhaps post some post it notes yourself, and say something like, " thank you for your notes' or 'thanks for sharing your feelings' and then start off small like that. I would also do the same to him, with your own communication notes. He will build confidence that way. Is there a way in which you can enjoy and appreciate these notes for what they are, besides the difficulty that this method of communication can present. If his note leaving is a success, he's likely perhaps to graduate to face to face communication when he is ready. But, it may take a lot of patience on your behalf. And you could start something fun, like leaving notes, but drawing pictures instead....hahaha