Wanting to win wife back

Short version..

Married 5 1/2 years, I left. She wanted me back, I wasn't ready.
She got pissed, we got "separated", she met other men. I did nothing, trying to find myself, not sure if I wanted to get back with her anyway.

She came back after awhile looking to get back, I was ready to get back, we were living separately this whole time, we were doing ok. Then she dropped me for another man she met while I thought everything was going well. I guess it wasn't.

Now I'm lost. I want her back, I'm remorseful for all my negativity, trying to be understanding of her feelings, etc. I fear I'm becoming obsessed and I'm really depressed. I'm trying to show her only my strong side, rather than becoming a whiny sniveling slob begging for her to come back. But sometimes I get weak.

We are talking on a somewhat regular basis, she's open to my feelings and is being nice to me, but I don't know what to do from here. She's still seeing this other guy and as far as I know plans on seeing him for awhile. We have a 6 year old boy to complicate matters too.

Any advice?

Welcome Darth Krispy,

Why do you want your wife back? Do you really want to be in a relationship with her specifically, or just to be in a relationship?

What has changed since you split up that could make things work better between you this time?

If your wife is happily seeing another man, perhaps she is not open to the idea of reforming your relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship work. No matter how much you want it or try, you cannot do it alone.

P.S. Although I know it's a popular phrase, I hate the word "win" in your title. Remember that your wife is a person, not a prize.

Yeah I wasn't sure how to phrase the topic. "How to get my wife back" mighta been a better option.

I want her back because I love her. I have met other woman during our seperation and it's a nice diversion, but I want my wife back.

I understand it takes two and thats why I've basically left her alone to let her be. She's come back to me some in the past few weeks being friendly hinting there might still be a chance with us. I don't know if its because she's getting tired of this other guy a little or what.

We had sex about two weeks ago. Before that it had been a month.

So theres some contact between us. I'm struggling with the day to day stuff on how to get her back as my wife and seeing only me. It might not be possible and I realize that, basically I need some advice on how to stay sane in such a situation, because I'm struggling.

I'm not sure I understand the situation fully. If you split-up, it must have been for a reason. If you get back together again and that reason hasn't been addressed, won't you just split-up again?

Have you tried asking your wife how she sees things between the two of you? Do you know what she wants?

When you still have sex, is it loving? Or is it more physical than intimate? (You don't need to answer that on the forums if you don't want to - it can be just something to think about.)
After a long relationship, it can be difficult to give-up the physical affection and sex you've become accustomed to. So it's nice that you can still be there for each other, but I wouldn't assume that sex is enough to rekindle a marriage. Maybe you are giving each other physical comfort during this difficult time, without both of you hoping it will lead to something more.

I imagine you are struggling with the unknown...with being stuck in limbo and not knowing which way things will turn. I think you should talk to your wife and listen to what she has to say. Maybe her words can guide you.

Thanks for replying again Platypus, even this little anonymous chit chat helps a bit. I appreciate it.

I am trying my best to just listen to her and let her guide me, but when she is constantly giving me mixed messages, I end up completely and utterly confused. I just don't know what to believe.

The fact that I've caught her in lies about the situation, seeing someone else, etc doesn't help my state of mind either.

She's said to me lately both good and bad things. Its like a roller coaster, one day it's looking great, then the next it's hell.

Why we broke up is a long story, but at the heart of it is that I was too immature to responsibly deal with a marriage. I've expressed my desire to change and am trying to show her this, but it may be too late.

The sex was reciprocal and largely initiated from her end. It really hurt me to find out she was having sex with someone else at the same time as me. The sex has gone in waves. At first during the separation it stopped then came back regularly, then slowed, then now just the twice in two months. Largely because she's been with someone else the past three months. She's a very passionate and sex obsessed woman and for her to cut me off like she has, sent a huge bad signal. And part of the reason why I am so desperate and depressed.

I don't want to judge your wife because I don't know her. But I'm a little worried that her behaviour is unfair to you.

The stereotype is that men use women for sex, but I think women can do this too. Her mixed messages may not be deliberately manipulative - she may herself be confused. And whilst it's a cliché for women to not know what they want, how long can you wait in limbo? What if it takes her two years to work out what she wants from your marriage? Are you prepared to wait that long, only having sex and contact when she calls upon you?

I'm sure it must be a difficult situation to be in. As you want to rekindle your marriage, you probably want to be accepting of her and not pressure her in case it pushes her away. But how are you going to avoid becoming a victim of this situation?

You may not have been the perfect husband in the past. You said you were immature, and perhaps there's some truth in that. But that doesn't mean the break-up was your entire fault and that your wife can now punish you for your mistakes.

Could you come up with some rules or boundaries to protect yourself from being strung along? For example, is it good for you that you are still having sex together, or is it ultimately hurtful?

Maybe you could even tell your wife that you aren't going to put your life on hold until she makes a decision. It might be hard, but try to start planning a future without her.

If your wife really wants to resolve things, perhaps she could talk to a counsellor or therapist to help her understand her feelings? Otherwise I'm afraid she might continue to have her cake and eat it too.

Look after yourself Darth Krispy. Don’t let yourself be punished unnecessarily. If she isn't interested in building a future with you, I think you're better off without her.

a. I hope she is on birth control.

b. please tell me u use a rubber everytime, or get checked for stds.

c. your looking pathetic, shes got you by the balls, drop her like a bad habit if you care about the well being of yourself and your young son.

Thank you Platypus, I appreciate the honest opinion. I don't want to misrepresent my wife at all, I made mistakes in our marriage and I regret them deeply.

I am going to post this snippet from a conversation she had with a friend on facebook. Public for all to see, but spoken in her native Slovak language. She speaks multiple languages, but to her slovak friend she spoke in slovak. Using the help of my own slovak friends I got the messages translated.

Here's possibly the most damaging part to me...this is a direct quote translated into english.

You bet that I'll take a break! I can not wait. I suppose that I take it lasts three weeks and then I will conceive again ... just do not know with whom, haha

If you don't believe that's a real quote, I will give you the weblink where this snippet was taken from and you can see for yourself. I mean its her right to think this way and live this way, but I don't think she realizes how much she is hurting me even after I've expressed my hurt and my love and desire to fix things. Or maybe that quote isn't really that upsetting and I'm making a big deal over it?

It's kinda not the best translation but you can understand. There was more to the message that hurt deeply too, but this is what I have to deal with on a daily basis. It sucks very much. I want to find the strength to just forget about her and move on, but its hard coming.

Thanks for taking the time Platypus, its appreciated.

-- Sun Aug 07, 2011 10:58 pm --

Socialretard wrote:a. I hope she is on birth control.

b. please tell me u use a rubber everytime, or get checked for stds.

c. your looking pathetic, shes got you by the balls, drop her like a bad habit if you care about the well being of yourself and your young son.

Hi,

This is horrible, but she doesnt like condoms. I know I know...we practiced the pull out method while we were tight and married and it always worked. But since she's been ######6 other guys, I did get a urinary tract infection. I can't blame it directly on her, but I did just get tested for stds and I'm ok. So I guess she is too. And no birth control for her, she says it ###$ up her too much inside. So....yeah.

Pathetic is probably exactly the truth. I needed that outside opinion. Friends that are close to me are giving me both sides of the opinion (drop her/don't give up - etc....) I just don't know what to think.

But I do need to stop being this pathetic, thanks for the blunt treatment. That tends to work best with me.

I'd be careful not too read too much into Facebook messages. People write a lot of stupid things in the heat of the moment. With the added complexity of translating them into English, it may be hard to know exactly what she meant by that comment. (Although it does not sound like she is showing you any loyalty.)

I think it's best to try to put comments like that out of your mind. They're not worth your time. Don't make the effort to read her Facebook messages. Worrying about what she writes won't affect her, but will hurt you.

What can you do to help yourself move on? Do you have friends who you can spend time with? Can you do something nice for yourself...maybe plan a holiday?

Maybe start to think of different ways you can distract yourself until you no longer feel so focussed on your wife. Next time you feel the need to contact her or check her Facebook page, what can you do instead? Plan for sad lonely days, and try to get busy with your own life.

In time your wife may change her tune and want to restore your marriage. But perhaps by then you will be happily doing your own thing, maybe even with a new woman in your life, and you will no longer want her back. Change can be scary, especially after a long relationship, but maybe it will be more rewarding than trying to make things work with your wife.

I hate seeing people being used and by the sound of it, that is how she is treating you. She is controlling you emotionally, you dont deserve that. Who knows maybe when its all said and done you guys will get back together. Its just too messy right now though. Distance yourself from her or atleast protect yourself better, you dont need to make your life even more difficult than it must be right now.