I am trying to destroy my perfect relationship - please help

Hello all,

I am with the man of my dreams, but I am trying to break up the relationship because I don't have faith that it will ever work out.

At the moment we are living in different countries due to his work. It is supposed to be a temporary position but it has already been going on for longer than expected, and we're not sure when we'll be together again. I trust him 100% and we have contact most days, either by telephone, online chatting, or by E-mail. Nothing is too much trouble for him, and he is always there for me when I need him. I know he is the perfect man for me, but I am worried that ultimately we won't end up together.

I deliberately do things that I know he doesn't like, I make excuses not to spend time with him, and I generally treat him like he is not important to me. I believe the reason for this is that I am punishing him for taking a job that keeps us apart. He reassures me often, and then I am fine for a few days, but the negative thoughts soon return.

He broke up with me in the spring as a result of these things and we did not talk for a month, but I just couldn't let him go, so I wrote to him and now we are back together. But I still find myself punishing him by acting coldly all the time. I have constant fear and stress because I think I won't end up with the man of my dreams. So I think, subconciously, I am trying to find a way out of this situation. I cannot live without him, he is the sweetest guy I have ever known.

I didn't realise until now that I am actually punishing him because of my own fears. The problem is that maybe even if he came home tomorrow, I would find some other reason to imagine that it won't work out.

Is there any solution for this type of problem?


Sarah

Welcome Sarah,

I think it's a positive step that you've realised fear is driving your behaviour.
Do you know why you have these fears? Is there a reason why you think you won't end-up together, or why that possibility is so frightening for you? Are your fears reasonable?

Maybe you could try writing down (or typing) everything you're afraid of in regards to your relationship. Then take a break and come back to the list of fears later. When you go back to look at it, see if you can cross-out any fears that are irrational or unrealistic.

Then I would try talking to your partner about your remaining fears. Maybe talking through them will help. Perhaps together you can find solutions or reassurance to allay your fears.

Hello Sarah,

it is a big step to realize you are afraid and that it is in some way driving your actions.

On top of what Platypus said, try and understand that fear will not help you in any way, and consciously try to act like your heart wants you in spite of the fear. Each time you defeat it on even a very small scale, you will get stronger.

I would also like you to think about this: do you feel like you do not deserve a good relationship in your life? Maybe you are trying to sabotage the relationship not to punish your partner, but because you feel undeserving. And let me just add that no matter the circumstances you do deserve to be happy.

Thanks for adding those fusnot - they are good points!

Hi Sarah,

I agree Fusnot came up with some really good things to consider there, another one if you are afraid things won't work out is also fear of intimacy, i know it sounds weird, (the same way fear of failure can really be fear of success! lol) but this was one thing i found was a problem.

there is a solution, all you need to know is already in your head - i'm sure you'll figure out what's going on for you there eventually - if you want to talk about it here more it might help you figure things out, we're listening.

Hi Sarah,

I understand what you are going through. I myself feel like I am doing the same thing with my boyfriend, but we live in the same house. I am still working through a lot, and we are making great progress now, the one thing I would most recommend to you is you have to let that fear go. I came to terms that the relationship is either going to work out or its not. And that I was going to do everything I can from this point out to make it happen. If this is really to be with this guy you have to just let it all go. If you put negative thoughts into your mind then you are going to act on those thoughts. Just try and change your mind set. Start telling yourself that you will be together and you want to make this happen. This is what I have been doing for myself and it really is helping. Hope you get this all worked out

it's a giant step that you are able to articulate your actions in this way and you're very brave not to ignore them. You seem to be a very self aware individual and even though you may not like the actions you do rationally, emotionally you are driven by whole other motives that you feel helpless to fight against. what you're going through is normal, i have been through it too, and i think it comes from being wronged by life consistently, it's that "too good to be true" feeling. it is good, perhaps too good, and as soon as something looks like a dream you're wary of it turning into a nightmare and it is almost like you want to spare yourself of the pain by acknowledging it may end at any moment. realize that in order to love there will always inevitably be pain...it comes with the invisible contract you signed when you got into the relationship. everything ends, no matter how perfect they are, and if you are constantly ignorant of this or deny this fact, it will hurt even more when it does.