I love her and always will

I recently split up with my first love, I don't want to move on but I don't want to get back with her at the moment, I want to prove to her just how much she means to me. I'm finding it very hard to make up for what I done, I called her names and said stuff I didn't mean (you know what it's like when emotions get high), I sometimes say things I don't mean anyway, I have abit of a personality disorder, she has DID and PTSD, it's been bad lately and maybe I could of been more considerate when we were together but the trouble is I couldn't, she just closed off and didn't want to see me much and wouldn't talk to me about things, I understand that because of what shes been through. She doesn't want to see me because she's lost trust in me, she doesn't understand tho, I'm not like other guys, I don't want to move on and find sex and go out on the pull etc, I want to make sure shes OK and be able to care for her with all my heart, the way she deserves. I decided the other day, as she didn't want to see me, I would leave an outraously expensive bunch of flowers, her favorite chocolate bar and a page from something she gave me that simply states in it 'She is the one person i've never felt so close to or loved so much' on her doorstep, I decided I wouldn't leave a letter because I thought it might upset her. She won't listen though, I don't want to get back with her at the moment because I know it wouldn't work, I don't want her to feel like I'm harassing her. I want to prove to her she's the most amazing person i've ever known, I love caring for her and that I am always here for her if she ever needs me. I know shes very lonely at the moment, shes told me before that I am perfect for her and that she could love me forever. Why have her feelings changed? Mine haven't, I know that. I honestly feel as if they never will. Not a day gets any easier.... I just want her to know I'm here for her. That is all. How do I prove that to her? Surely by leaving her alone, she will just move on and not know what shes missing out on. I've learnt so much about her and I SO BADLY never want her hurt again. I would much appreciate some advise please.... This means alot to me.... Thank you

I can't really know what's going on because I don't REALLY know her and I don't REALLY know you.

You say she has DID and PTSD. This complicates matter. To me, there are two probable situations, and lots of grey in between and probably many I'm not thinking of. One is that she really does want space and has lost interest. But given the DID/PTSD diagnosis I'd also consider that more might be going on. Has she been having a lot of flashbacks as a result of being with you? From what little I know if it it's common for rape survivors to have trouble with relationships because their trauma causes parts of being with someone to be very uncomfortable. They can also have trouble trusting people and letting people into their lives. If that's the case it's hard to say what the best course of action for you is.


As with any relationship my best advice is to communicate openly and accurately. Can you send her a note explaining how you feel and asking to hang out as friends? I think sending flowers is a great idea. As a girl, I always love roses, and no matter what type of flower it always makes me happy to receive them.


What made her close off to you?

I have something like "DDNOS" ("not quite DID") and have had problems with PTSD-type symptoms, yes its hard to be open with people, and at times i do feel like closing off, so sometimes i guess i must seem more distant, it just takes time to let people in. when it comes to what's going on for her, if she ever finds it hard to connect or be open, its likely something is upsetting one of her alters. i find when parts of me don't want to open up i'll find it physically impossible to do things until ive done a little more to resolve it.

what would she want... ? well in relationships i guess people care for each other and get to know each other, so tho at times she might need a little extra TLC cause of her problems, people with dissociative disorders can and do manage their own lives, even when still in recovery. like everything some days are just harder than others. but im guessing if you have something PD-ish, you need a little extra TLC at times too. i guess she probably wants what everyone else wants from a relationship - to be together, to get to know each other, spend time together, and its fair to say she'd probably want something equal where you both care for each other. i bet you find it hard to really let people in too in some ways if you have a PDish something.

making up for what you have done is easier than not doing it any more - dealing with a PD is hard. i was just talking to someone earlier about slaying dragons, different context, lol but i guess if you don't want to hurt her again you have some dragons to slay! its important to understand how you've acted - and why - but you also need to understand your PD is a problem in just the same way her PTSD/DID is, and if my guesses about PDs are right, possibly not so far unrelated - and if she has a hard time letting people in, she (and her alters) have work to do too.

has she said you were harassing her, or was that you/someone else's advice?

if not, if you want to go for a drink/bite to eat with her or watch a movie, why not just ask? if she hasn't said you're harassing her, it sounds like a good idea, and flowers/chocolates/romantic notes aren't harassment unless she says she doesn't want them. I agree with Sandie, most girls like flowers! if you want to get to a girl's heart, i wouldnt worry about flowers being outrageously expensive, personal will go further. nice red roses always go down well, or if she has DID, maybe a mixed bunch, (that way there's a better chance there's at least one every alter likes!) i like strange and exotic different flowers in different colours, lol but no one's ever sent/given me flowers

i think as long as she hasn't said your attention isn't welcome letting her know how you feel and doing things like this - if you want to do them - are a good idea. but sensing the PD thing coming in, at the same time, be careful not to idealise her too much - i'm sure she's not perfect!

HI dear,,,,
Welcome to you on this forum... Hopefully you will get good results.....