On off relationship is making me feel mad!

I have been diagnosed with BPD over a year ago, I knew I was totally different all of my life, I was sexually abused as a child Bullied severely at secondary school, and raped at 16. I have had relationship problems all of my life, family ones and friendships and certainly boyfriends!! I'm 26 now tho and after screwing up several good jobs and a nursing degree which I dropped out of, and a 7 year relationship, my current relationship is all over the place. We have been on and off for 18 months (I have 2 children by my ex long term relationship, which also suffered due to my bpd). The problem is, One minute I love him, it usually lasts for a few weeks to a few months and then I wake up one day hating him, I get irritated at everything he does, I can't be intimate with him in any way not even holding hands, hugging kissing etc.. It's tearing me apart!! it never goes away until we break up and then usually a month or so without him I feel the love again! I don't have an understanding family and currently living at parents house with him and my kids. My family just think I'm a arguement seeking mental case so I literally have noone to turn to. This is one of a million problems I am suffering from due to BPD! I cannot hold friendships, jobs, uni courses etc!!!! The one thing in this world I have which I don't change with is my love for my kids. Which keeps me stuck in this world! Because I just wish I could go to sleep and not wake up except I cannot leave them!! Really-do I have to be trapped here until one day I die?!?!?!

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through. There are abuse, rape and BPD forums on here. Do you see anyone for therapy as they may be able to help you figure out your relationship issues along with everything else.

Cracked

Thankyou for replying to my question,
I was seeing a local community mental health team regularly up until february, at this last appointment I was crying, pulling on my hair and rocking and telling them that I could hear voices in my head which were telling me to kill myself. When they asked if I was going to carry out what they were telling me to do of course I said 'no' because of my two beautiful girls!!! They haven't written to me since. I was on Lithium and anti depressants for a while but as they did not help I was put on tryptophan and a top dose of the anti depressants which I'd been taking as a combination for about 4 months by Feb. I have taken myself off my meds within the last week because as far as the mental health team are aware I could have killed myself by now!
I can't express how lonely I feel, I am trapped in this world with prying family eyes on me constantly waiting for me to fail! every time i do they never fail to rub it in. My parents are still unaware of the abuse I suffered as a child only friends I had at the time, and doctors/Mental health people.
But as for my feelings for my boyfriend, I cannot bare to look at him, I don't know how much Longer this can go on for. He is an exceptionally emotional guy who is very sensitive, so the demand and pressure is constantly on too which makes me worse despite me telling him how it does!
HELP ME!!!!

Please do not stop your meds without the advice of your mental health team. I also strongly suggest you find a therapist to help you work all of this out. You are carrying a lot around.

Cracked