in love with bf want to help but wary circumstances

Hi new to this forum, hoping anyone can give me some advice, i know people cannot give a professinal opinion, but I think im in the right place.Me and my bf have been on and off the last eight months, alot of people I know would say and have leave it. He is an on off dj and very talented and I am very into music which is a common ground between us, I would say im not a relationship person quite independant have a good job ( mental health support worker) I would say were really not gf and bf at the moment, weve casually cooled things down but I see him now and again. He casually told me he had bipolar disorder I asked him if he was serious then totally denied it, but I knew something was not exactly right, anyway point is hes in denial, someone can only admit and ask for help I know this, I dont preach to him, I just let him tell me things in his own time, people have always took him to be trouble causing and antisocial, which Is just the outside to me. I know in the past when younger he was taken to councilling which was not followed through by him did not see the point and he was put on lithium and made him quite violent and aggressive possibly maybe no mood stabilizer dont know! Anyhow hes not attended to the prob since then, ive noticed from last time he seems worse. I have been reading information on these illnesses also helps me with my job. But can it be possible that he could be a narcassist? He still lives with his mother and absoloutly hates her, I can see issues with his mother shes not very empathatic, was married once, and has probably seen twenty men or more since ive known him. He can be really nice like materialistically, making nice meals and wanting to curl up and watch dvds. But its like I never get to know the real person, and he wont admit when hes wrong, and if I speak the truth and he doesnt like it he will try to turn it around and embarass me to sort of knock me down, which never works because im quite confident and know right or wrong. That I can handle not a problem, the thing I find hard to get to grips with is his high sex drive n the amount of pornography he possesses which we are talking of hundreds, he talks about sex all the time and his mother and grandad is the same! It seems to be a family tradition haha. Ive said il be there for him if he ever needs to speak to anyone. The one thing that has upset me the most that he contacted me asking if me and my friend wanted to go dogging?swinging which I know sounds funny to everyone else. Ive told him I know he has a high sex drive I except that but to humilliate my friend, I told him not to push his obsessions onto me and he turned around and said that I was too serious ( denial). Ive never heard him say anything nice about his mother, he finds it hard to be intimate apart from the above. When he becomes to get close everything is sex related.He doesnt have many female friends. He trys to push me to see wat I will do sexually ( not physically), which I wont, but he can be cuddly n stuff. Ive just been reading about the soma narcisstic, is this all related? He has a lot of male friends which he calls the group and he thinks hes the leader!! He seems to struggle being his real self in social situations seems to avoid them, he tries to play mind games with me then says its me playing the mind games, but I never break quite good with words ha ha . He can be really horrible for no reason. I just hope to god that hes not soma narcisstic, because reading that scared me to death!. If hes bipolar I could cope with that x Is it hard to tell the difference between the two? He also seems to say he feels sorry for people like put themselves in their shoes for 5 mins but doesnt empathise with anything apart from himself, is it possible he could be missed diagnosed? Would it be possible if he was a narcassist he wouldnt carry on contacting me because of no supply x
I maybe have been reading to much content on the internet haha, but please anyone with some experiences or advice I would be really greatfull x

Okay, I tried to understand your post to the best of my ability.

Is it possible that he is misdiagnosed? Certainly.

Now, I'll cut to the chase. It's not possible for me to diagnose him just from what you have described. Diagnosis is quite an involved process. However, what I can say with some confidence, and some authority (I am a licensed mental health counselor) is that it would behoove you to maintain some distance both emotionally and physically.

The behaviors you are describing are red flags, and although I can understand and admire your inclination to accept his problems and remain with him, it sounds like this would be counter to your own emotional well-being.

It does indeed sound as if this individual needs professional help. Realizing this, and knowing that he shows some degree of denial, and that he is not receiving treatment, you want to be careful not to intentionally or accidentally put yourself in the position of being both friend and therapist.

I found this out the hard way after being in a relationship with a woman for a year and a half. When the other person has very serious mental health issues, and is not actively working to obtain the best possible treatment, and to make the decisions and changes needed for their mental health, then you are doing yourself a disservice by remaining in the relationship.

As to whether or not he is narcissistic, not enough information to diagnose. It does sound like he is insecure and uses some socially maladaptive mechanisms to protect a fragile ego.

Remember, it is not selfish or callous to choose to seek out someone who is more balanced and centered, with whom to attempt a relationship. In so doing, you are acting in your own best interest and increasing the chances of a healthy long-term relationship developing.

Thank you very much for replying, I do understand what you mean when you say its not selfish to seek out a better relationship, something which I suppose intermingles with my own upbringing. I think I will distance myself from him . I encountered quite some emotinal distress and thought I was going a bit mad when we first finished. So it doesnt really feel as painful as last time if you know what I mean. Thank you so much for replying I think it might of been just what i needed ( a bit of reality).

Your situation resonated with me because I recently finally worked up the gumption to end an 18-month romance with a woman who is intelligent and beautiful, but who is not taking active steps to address her serious mental health issues. No matter how sweet, or charming, or attractive, or wealthy, or sexy a person might be in our eyes, none of these qualities, by themselves or taken as a group, make it worth the emotional pain and potential pyschological harm of being in a relationship with that person if they're not on top of their game mentally/emotionally.

The hardest thing is that ive tried to explain that im emotionally different to him, and sometimes I cannot speak to him because I am too upset, do these people understand others emotions? Ive tried to make a clean break, then he was getting upset saying u hate me dont you!!! He wants me to still be there!He asked me to go on a bike ride with him haha!!! Do I make a clean break and pretend hes the horridest person ive met, and cut all contacts ( which isnt true) there for him as a friend (restricted measures).I dont know if I can deal with that emotionally, I sort of feel guilty for totally turning my back on him, I feel like he has died and hes in this dark gloomy underworld that no-one can touch and its just so sad!!!

You should make a clean break and then STICK to it. Don't be taken back in by guilt trips, feeling sorry, etc. The situation is unhealthy for you, and you must resolve to shun it entirely, else you'll continually be dragged back in, and be anxious constantly.

Do I make a clean break and pretend hes the horridest person ive met, and cut all contacts ( which isnt true) there for him as a friend (restricted measures).I dont know if I can deal with that emotionally, I sort of feel guilty for totally turning my back on him, I feel like he has died and hes in this dark gloomy underworld that no-one can touch and its just so sad!!!

I understand that it "feels" like if you cut off all contact that you are implying he's horrible. I know you feel like that would be treating him like a pariah. And because of your compassion and any feelings you have for him, there is a natural tendency to rationalize: he's not THAT bad, or if I stick with him and let him lean on me he'll start getting better.

The truth is that regardless of any other factors, including his own behavior, the current relationship is painful/harmful to you, and should you choose to continue it, you will be putting your emotional health on the line for the sake of the relationship.

Can he understand others' emotions? Not enough, probably. Even well-adjusted and mature individuals can only empathize so far with others' emotions. A person who engages in wrong-headed thinking and has serious emotional and behavioral problems is not going to be able to be understanding and empathic.

I hope that if you do choose not to cut off all contact, that you'll begin seeing a professional for support and advice, at the very least. Take care of yourself, first and foremost.

Hi, thanx for the replies. Im pleased to say Ive got him out of my system.I went against everyones advice and started seeing him again ... but it only lasted a week lol. Im starting to realise that on a relationship level hes got nothing to offer me. I am glad that i saw him for just that week because the truth hit hard, I know if I continue to live his way I would be in denial as much as him, it has been emotionally upsetting this week, he seems even worse in himself than lastime. Im finding myself to be a lot harder about the situation, I have just started my new job in mental health which has opened all new doors for me. Im not going to keep contact with him, I realise even I stay friends with him he will start playing on that, and I will not be acting as a true professional. The past week I spent with him he still spoke about women badly, still talking about sex all the time lol. I realise he will never change at the moment and I now realise I deserve better, thanks guest and kyrathaba

Hi
Kyrathaba
Im especially interested in how you think the following :
A person who engages in wrong-headed thinking and has serious emotional and behavioral problems is not going to be able to be understanding and empathic.
Please explain this further, im with a CL amongst other emotional problems he has tried to convince me that he understands what he has done to me and others, but im not convinced.
i have pushed for therapy, but although he has been to counselling pushed by myself, and has been referred. he doesnt want to know. He wont go to the next referral. I know in my heart im being the enabler. Where do i stop and where does his will to really seek help begin?