Am I Setting Myself Up For Failure?

I've been exhaustively worrying over this (miniscule) topic for far too many months and I've gotten nowhere
Maybe someone here can give some feedback, words of wisdom, or guide me in the right direction. I apologize in advance for my mini meltdown...

But what do you do when your standards are considered to be too high, yet the thought of changing them causes bone-numbing anxiety and stress (to the point, you'd rather just give up)?

From my perspective, I'm not looking for perfection, although arguably others have said I am, "I'm just in denial" But it feels I'm on a path to nowhere, and giving up at 22 might save a lot of frustration in the future.

I'm only physically attracted to a small percentage of men. I've always been like this, yet never thought anythng of it. And it just so happens this small percent consists of what society deems as models/goodlooking/gorgeous/hot/very attractive/etc.

But personality and emotional attraction are equally as important. Meaning I admire whatever traits that constitute a male as being a "nice guy". Never was attracted to the bad boy/aggressive type of guy. Also, intellect needs to be there, but I'm not looking for someone with a PhD or a genius.

I tried limiting my standards to very vague points (not sure if that's good or bad) to prevent myself from constructing a grocery list.

You might be thinking, well there's really no problem, I just know what I want in a guy. Maybe I live in a small world, but it seems like the qualities I'm looking for are mutually exclusive (can have either quality A or B but not both). And that's where most of my worry comes into play. Cause I can't see myself being in a relationship with a goodlooking guy whose a complete jerk.

But then, and I know what I'm going to say might be misconstrued, but I never felt any spark between guys who had awesome personalities, but were 'average looking'. I challenged myself to not friendzone these guys so quickly, and one situation led to total disaster. Its not that I think they are ugly, but my attraction is either extinguished or diluted.

Maybe that makes me sound really shallow, and I can't give any good explanation as to why I'm like this. I'm not looking for arm candy, a sexual fling, someone whose going to make me feel better about myself, or someone to show off. I don't care about other materialistic and physical qualities like income, assets, height, race, penis size, if they are good in bed, etc.

This has even unraveled into smaller issues...its neverending. I can't decode why I can't function like normal people when it comes to relationships. Why personality doesn't make someone appear more beautiful in appearence for me. Why I've developed this unecessary fixation on looks...

Maybe all this translates into "I deserve to be single..."?

Hi,

I'm going to risk making you angry by saying the following: I think that you are thinking too much about this. When you go into a relationship/date with pre-conceived ideas about what you're looking for, then you'd never be happy with who you meet. One thing must be remembered: You won't get to know someone (I mean REALLY get to know them) until you've spent a lot of time with them. I might say that I prefer brunettes to blondes, but that didn't stop me meeting-up with a blonde-haired lady today. i had a lot of fun and I'll meet her again.

Have you had a boyfriend (or boyfriends) in the past? How different were they from each other?

Kevin

You're only 22: if you were 42 THEN I'd start thinking about these issues. Actually, even at 22 there's nothing wrong with knowing what you want. Kevin is right though in saying you're walking into situations with preconceived ideas, which will set you up for failure.

Love isn't about 'check lists' anyway. It's about how someone makes you feel. Sure, if you fell for someone who beats women, gambles or is a chronic alcoholic, then a basic check list would be necessary. However, finding your soul mate isn't going to happen by having an animate shopping list. That's not what love is about at all. Some people, never find their soul mate, and so they rely on check lists to get them through life. It's sad but a fact.

Let the thought process go and just live life to the fullest. If you're lucky enough to find your soul mate (and you'll know it when it happens), AND should he be emotionally healthy to bring it into fruition, then go with the flow. At the moment, you're placing unrealistic demands on yourself, which don't carry any substance. In other words, you're setting yourself up to make sure you DON'T find the right one. Shopping lists, like many other barriers people put up for themselves are nothing more than defence mechanisms. Creating criteria of what you think is right, or appropriate is nothing more than a defence mechanism that is a self defeating behaviour, all in the name of protecting your vulnerability. Let it go.

Hi there!

Chucky wrote:When you go into a relationship/date with pre-conceived ideas about what you're looking for, then you'd never be happy with who you meet. One thing must be remembered: You won't get to know someone (I mean REALLY get to know them) until you've spent a lot of time with them.

I'm not upset...re reading made me a bit nervous, but definetly not angry.

But I have tried giving the few guys who've shown interest in me a chance by getting to know them. Not on "dates" but just around campus, in class, going out for lunch almost for the entire semester.
I've only been out with one guy, which ended up turning into a date, and that was the experience I felt turned into a disaster. It just made everything really awkward, and he thought I liked him, my kindness was translated into "I'm interested", now I'm having the hardest time telling the guy I wasn't/I'm not interested.

Its always an undetone of "...this doesn't feel right, something is missing". I'm not sitting there with a checklist or anything
Almost all the guys who've shown initial interest in me, I never shared the same level of interest. Then after meeting with them after the tenth time, I hit a wall.
As far as any guys who I've been attracted to, I keep my distance. Never have I had one guy who I've liked approach me. I partly believe its because I'm not attractive enough...

Have you had a boyfriend (or boyfriends) in the past? How different were they from each other?

I've actually never had a boyfriend.

As far as any guys who I've been attracted to, I keep my distance.

Why?
Many people do this, and it's toxic. You will NEVER have an intimate relationship while ever you keep running from those who really press your buttons. It's easy to go out with someone you don't want. They feed your ego but they don't provide you with soul nourishment, and that's what you need to be happy. Ego feeding is #######4 and gets you nothing at the end of the day.

Never have I had one guy who I've liked approach me. I partly believe its because I'm not attractive enough...

You know why? Because you said above that you keep your distance. They can feel it, so why would they bother if you're giving them an aura of "stay away from me, I'm scared". That's what you'd be feeling, but they would read it as "stay away from me, you're not important enough". It's no wonder they don't approach you. You're giving off a negative vibe. I don't think it's easy for a lot of guys to make the first move, but most women have been socially conditioned to expect that guys make the first move. I certainly do, but I'm 50, and most women (all my friends do) around my age expect the man to be the one to make the first move. AND they do! All men do make the first move, other than those who fear rejection, and of course, no woman would respond to a man who can't show her she is important to them (right from the start). Men who don't make the first move, give off the same vibe your giving off to the guys, so women then move on and look elsewhere.

You need to do some work on yourself so that you give off the right vibe, the one that says "I'm here, I'm interested in you and I want to go out with you." Unless that's what you're projecting, don't expect the guy to approach you - he won't!
Buy a couple of self help books, there are many good ones and I'd recommend watching one of Wayne Dyer's videos on self improvement. Mary-ann Williamson is another one who is FABULOUS on talking about relationships and the self. Dr Sandra Parker is another one who explains the fear of intimacy really well. Look her up on Utube. I love what she says, because it's all so true.

Good luck.

Sorry for the delayed replies, I'm on a cellphone

sweetcheeks wrote:...if you fell for someone who beats women, gambles or is a chronic alcoholic, then a basic check list would be necessary.

A lot of my female family members, ironically, have all been in terrible relationships fitting the description above (even including qualities you didn't list). You'd think it runs in our blood. Which I agree has contributed to me wanting personality traits that were typical of "nice guys" instead of players. But I still wonder why I am only attracted to that small percentage of physically attractive men who are stereotyped as "being full of themselves, up to no good, and not good partners". I'm sure there are a few who don't fit the stereotype.

Let the thought process go and just live life to the fullest. If you're lucky enough to find your soul mate (and you'll know it when it happens), AND should he be emotionally healthy to bring it into fruition, then go with the flow. At the moment, you're placing unrealistic demands on yourself, which don't carry any substance. In other words, you're setting yourself up to make sure you DON'T find the right one....Let it go.

And I really want to But theres the thought that there (possibly) are people whom Id be attracted both physically and emotionally. Each yr that passes, the number of available guys in that pool depletes. I know I'm making this sound like economics...but there's higher demand for males like that.

sweetcheeks wrote:Why?
Many people do this, and it's toxic. You will NEVER have an intimate relationship while ever you keep running from those who really press your buttons.

Often times they aren't single and have a girlfriend. A few occasions, the guy wasn't heterosexual.
So keeping a distance allows me to observe these cases w/o embarassing myself. But nowadays there's the concept of leagues (and that dreaded 1-10 scale) and according to these I don't measure up to these guys physically.


Thanks for the resources as well; I will check them out. I wouldn't mind approaching them, but then I don't have a backup plan for my self confidence if I get rejected.

Here's something to think about... A nice car may look good from a distance but up close you get to see the scratches and the blemishes that make it just a car.

In other words bite the bullet and talk to those guys, they may actually be nice people and you could already have preconceived ideas about them just by going on what you have seen from a distance. To really be able to make a call about what they are like as people you have to be able to talk to them and learn about them. Remembering that sometimes the things we see and hear about people are not always the truth.

I still wonder why I am only attracted to that small percentage of physically attractive men who are stereotyped as "being full of themselves, up to no good, and not good partners".

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What you deem to be good looking may not be the case for the girl next door. However, there is nothing wrong with admitting that looks count, because they do. Anyone who says they don't is lying. I remember reading an article about research on what men find attractive. There were 10 women whose pictures were presented with no make up: 5 of the women really DIDN'T have a scrap of makeup on, and the other 5 DID have makeup, but only minimal that was made to look 'natural'. All the men had said prior to rating the pics that they much preferred women in their natural state, rather than those who wore makeup. They of course chose only the men who said this, there were more men in the poole to begin with. So, when they guys rated the women, guess which ones were rated first? The ones who HAD THE MAKEUP, not the 'natural ones'. What this tells you of course, is that people always go for looks, but having said that, looks represent much deeper layers to the person that I think is totally unconscious. In other words, aspects of a person's psyche is projected through the looks and it's these deeper layers that I believe we become attracted to.

Yeah, I can relate to this. I'm a male, 22, at college right now, have never dated. I think my standards are set up too high as well, always felt like superficial in this aspect. Since I was a kid, only felt attracted to those really beautiful girls. Intelligent and not so beautiful (like models) girls were never seen in a sexual way by me. I just couldn't help, I think. But I'm very unstable, and as time did go by, I became more and more asexual. Today I still dream about having a romantic relationship with a girl, but as I stopped idealizing people, I also stopped having this urge for romantic relationships. I can say it doesn't bother me so much anymore.