Insecure & Jealous

Hello everyone! This is my first time posting here. Earlier on I was feeling like I was going to burst, I couldn’t take it anymore without sharing it with somebody and hearing someone’s opinion about my feelings and thoughts. And sometimes it’s the best to talk to somebody you don’t know and who doesn’t know you. Maybe strangers can be more objective…

So here it goes… I have a boyfriend, and it was complicated in the beginning, because it was a long distance relationship. But now, since almost a year, I’ve moved to his country, did my best to learn the language and adjust… Maybe all that is beside the point and totally irrelevant to what I want to say. I’m not sure how everybody else is, but I think I’m a pretty insecure person, which makes me jealous, so I never feel completely safe in my relationship, I feel threatened, although maybe sometimes I have to rational reason. It’s like I create all these worries which take over me and make me fear the worst. I think I hurt myself emotionally by doing that. But I just can’t help it. I can’t get along with the idea that my boyfriend should have close friendships with other girls. Of course, he has to have work relations with his female coworkers, I can accept that. But I don’t know what the limit is. For me, any sign of friendly affection between he and them scares me.

A while ago I noticed he was chatting all the time with a certain colleague of his. Actually she’s a student (he’s an assistant at the university, just about 2 years older than the students) and I asked him what that was all about. He said she was just asking him to explain to her things related to her study, so he was just helping her. Fine. Although I still didn’t like it much. Now he’s on a trip at the other end of the world for one whole month (two weeks have passed already). Before he left, he left me his key from his apartment, to check for mail or just come here and relax and change the scene. I didn’t come here until yesterday. Today in the morning I turned on his computer and opened his email program. I know I shouldn’t do that. I’m too curious and indiscreet, and we already had some fights about it. I feel guilty for doing it and for finding out something about which I can’t even confront him without confessing my ‘sin’ of snooping around and reading his emails. And when I have something that bothers me, it’s really hard for me to hold it in and not tell the person, especially if that person is somebody really close for who I care a lot. Anyway, I saw his latest emails, and about 4 or 5 of them were from that girl he was chatting so much with a few weeks ago. They were pretty short and harmless in content, like ‘what’s the weather like there, and I’m enjoying myself blah blah, how are you’ and stuff like that. It does bother me these emails exist at all. But ok. Still, in one of them she thanks him for his text message and in another for the postcard that he sent her… And now I wonder… Since he had her address, he must have planned to send her a card, so he asked her for the address before he left… She was that important that he thought of it in advance. Plus he sent her an SMS. Whatever for? Weren’t emails and postcards enough? I mean a text message is a little more intimate or close than an email. Why did he take the extra effort?

My first (wrong) impulse was to call him and tell him all this, although I knew it was the worst possible idea. Luckily for me, I couldn’t reach him on his mobile phone (I think there was a problem with the prefix or something like that).

What would you think? Is there anything to worry about objectively? I know I’m probably too possessive and insecure. I’d like to know a way to stop being like that and stop worrying. Should I call him? Should I write to him about it and ask him? Should I talk to him on his return? Or should I just keep my mouth shut? (although I don’t think I’ll be able to) I feel pathetic, lame, small and worthless.

Thanks for reading. Any comments are welcome and helpful. Please, write what you think about all this. I really need a different opinion but my own. I feel I’m going insane.

Sorry if I wrote way too much, I just felt like pouring my heart out.

Hi,

The only thing that there is to worry about here is your behaviour... ...it is likely to be the thing that will make the relationship crash in the long run. You feel that he cannot have relationships with other females - even just as friends - because then he might somehow hook-up with them, right? For all intents and purposes, there is actually nothing wrong with te relationship right now, and he might be thinking that it's great to be with a person like you. However, your behaviour might gradually make him think otherwise.

When I am in a relationship and feel paranoid about my partner being with other people, I always try to look at my own friendly relationships. I happen to have more female friends than male, and this seems perfectly fine to me. I know that I'd never cheat on my partner with any of my female friends. However, I feel paranoid at times when I see my girlfriend talking with any man, of any age. Again, when these thoughts come, I just think back to my own situation... ...where I myself have many friends of the opposite sex, and that it's okay for it to be this way. therefore, it's okay for my girlfriend to have friends of the opposite sex too.

I know that the thoughts are difficult to manage, but they will drive the relationship to a closure if they persist. You're here to look for help, so please try to look upon my words in a constructive light. I do apologise if they seem harsh though.

Take care,
Kevin