marriage in crisis

My story is long and complicated, and it will all come out in this thread, I'm sure...

But the basic issue is that I'm suffering from (previously undiagnosed) generalized anxiety disorder (have begun treatment), which has led to a severe jealousy problem (partially justified, but has become irrational and destructive). My wife has been suffering from depression, recently experienced a recovery, but is now slipping back into depression as a response to my jealousy problem.

She's never been an affectionate person anyway, but now she is completely rejecting any affection from me, and I can forget about her showing any to me.

I've begun taking Xanax and seeing a therapist. She is refusing to seek professional help, and is attempting to self-treat with exercise - but has been sick for the past month, and so hasn't been able to exercise.

I recognize and accept that my destructive behavior has brought us to this point - but now what? My marriage is worth fighting for, and she has said she thinks so, too... but she's not showing any willingness to fight for it. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this on my own.

I feel like I need to clarify my issue.

I feel guilty about how my actions have impacted my wife and her feelings for me.

I continue to feel guilt every time she rejects my affection or expresses any sort of frustration or impatience with me - which seems to be quite frequent.

I know I can't change the past. I know I can't make her feel anything, positive or negative... in other words, I know my actions didn't make her resent me, and I know I can't make her want to accept or show affection... but I know that my actions are inputs into her decision to feel.

I need to figure out how to regain confidence in myself, how to overcome my own insecurities, how to prevent myself from beating myself up every time I perceive disappointment from her (because she can sense my anxiety, and it causes her to be even more disappointed).

My wife is the most important person in the world to me, and I would do anything at all to save our marriage... but it feels like all I do now does exactly the opposite. Even trying to get better just frustrates and disappoints her.

Hi I recently went through a really rough patch with my partner, i have bipolar si that causes problems. You say your wife is depressed and does not try to fight for you and your marriage, the most likely reason for this is when you are depressed you have virtually no energy, I push everyone away when I am depressed and although I love my partner very much he is the father to my children and he is the only person who has ever accepted me for who I am, when I am depressed I desire no physical contact, in fact touching me feels horrible and shut him out and I am incapable of getting out of bed some days let alone finding the energy to fight. It sounds like your wife is just experiencing symptoms of depression which is why she is pushing you away, refusing your physical touch and seemingly unwilling to fight for the relationship, it is the depression.

Secondly when I am normal I have major abandonment and trust issues, so like you I get paranoid and anxious my partner is cheating or trying to leave me. I now try to tell him I feel threatened by the hypothetical other woman (who ever i fear she is at the time) I sit down and tell him my fears instead of accusing him, this means he can reassure me and I still let my feelings out but without attacking him and he can understand better is this something you could maybe try? I really hope your marriage gets back on track soon.

One time, when I was going through a rough patch, a doctor (actually an acupuncturist) said to me that we often think we're going to snap but it is helpful to think of ourselves as a young tree loaded down with snow. We won't snap; we will bend back when our load is lightened.

I've always found this helpful to think of this during the hard times.

All the Best,
Jerril