Should I stay or move on?

Hi

My name is Rebecca. I really need some advice on here. Please I really need to know what some of you think. This is about my friend Jason.

Jason has Schizo affective Disorder. He used to take advantage of people in a bad way. He treated his family and friends bad. To the point, when he became hospitalised they all turned their backs on him. His dad got him out of hospital after being there for 6 months. He got in contact with his parents.

He went on to live in a hostel with 4 others guys with the same mental health issue as him. Their used to be male workers there. Jason would stay in his room all day and couldn't deal with his new illness. He drank to numb the pain.

When I met him while working in the same voluntary place, he was very distant and alone guy. When we talked I could see he needed a friend. So I approached him and we got talking on the phone. When I got to involved and found out about his mental health illness, he wanted to break contact with me.

After six weeks, Jason had a breakdown and his dad got Jason out of the hostel. His dad found out and got Jason to apologise to me. We became friends again and I met his dad.

His dad wanted me to become a carer for Jason but as I was going through depression at the time quite bad, I didn't want to bring Jason into my life. We were still in contact on the phone.

Since Jan 2010, Jason moved out into a flat on his own. Knowing he was alone, I still kept in contact via phone so he had someone with him. Two months passed and I noticed he wouldn't answer the phone or return calls and texts. I took it personal and I thought maybe it was me.

When we eventually got to talk, he told me he was feeling isolated and he found it hard to talk to anyone on the phone. When I phoned him a week later, I left a message on his voicemail saying I wasn't going to move on and that I was going to phone him back the next day. When I did, he answered the phone but wouldn't talk. He just listened but his phone was breaking and it cut off.

I didn't hear anything from him for 3 months. But I still sent a text and tried phoning in between that time. When I sent him a letter by saying I was going to knock on his door to see him and to find out how he was. He phoned me really angry. Saying some cruel things. Telling me it was only his family who he would keep in contact with as his other friends have moved on.

I felt really hurt. I gave a year to help him. When he had no one else, I would phone him and offer him to come out with me. He would always say thank you for the call. I felt used and completely hurt by his response. Apart from his family, I was the only one there for him.

He told me he was feeling really stressed by feeling isolated. On the same conversation, he asked me how I felt about him wanting us to be more then friends. When I said no. Then later he told me he wasn't ready for a relationship. I admitted to him that I was in love with him. He was shocked by my confession and told me it was to much stress.

That was October 2010. Since then I have sent him a letter once a month, sent a christmas card and told him I am here for him always.

As he has done bad things, he has low self esteem. He declines help because he feels he deserves to suffer alone by what his done. He doesn't have much experience with females by hanging out with them so he feels uncomfortable with them. He stays in most of the time, doesn't have any friends and is feeling depressed.

I have felt hurt by him, totally used and not sure what to do now. I don't know how he is whether he will have another breakdown or if he has anyone's support. He doesn't reach out for help he likes to stay in his bubble. I have spoken to some professionals so they are aware of the situation but no one seems to be able to care. I don't know his parents and only know where Jason lives. I don't want to see him have another breakdown. But when he pushes people away, that's when he needs someone the most and has a breakdown.

I'm on the final levels of my recovery to my depression and wasn't sure whether to give it another month to regain my strength and to knock on his door. Or to turn my back on him for good.

What are your thoughts?

Sad story honey.

I'm not going to EVEN ALMOST suggest what to do. Most would know my answer anyway.

Someone should invite Steven Speilburg over here, if he hasn't already popped in.



....


Good luck. x

What would be your answer?

Sorry beckyc

I should be a bit more specific.

When you love someone...that's what you do...you love them: warts and all. So, you love someone who has a condition...you need to be totally honest in asking yourself to what degree do you love this person? Is it enough to adjust (and you would have to in order to be with this person) and sustain longevity? Only you can answer that...don't listen to people who say..."walk away". They are not in your shoes. If he was beating you, cheating, gambling then sure...I'd say stay away and as far as possible. This isn't the case though. You need to judge for yourself how bad the problem is, what is the cure, is there one, will he be willing to work on himself to nourish the relationship etc. These are the questions you need to ask yourself to come to the right decision.

So...do what you think is best...talk to him, see how he feels about you. Does he feel the same way about you as you do him? This is important. If it's not mutual, then you're wasting your time. But, you need to give it time, and start communicating.

Good luck.

I haven't asked him how he feels about me. He was shocked when I talked to him the next day. The answer he gave to me was he never told me we were going to be more then friends. He found it hard to understand that these feelings I had developed for him came whilst getting to know him. When things get hard for him, he runs away and hides.

I would love to do communicate with him more but his suffering with social anxiety at the moment. Doesn't answer the phone to anyone and stays in most of the time. I have sent him a letter saying the usual I am here for you.

What I have to understand is, he can't deal with a relationship at all. Even having a friend is to much for him at the moment. When I first started having feelings for him, I kept questioning him how he felt about having a relationship with anyone. He always told me he wasn't ready for that. I told him how I felt as I didn't have much to loose anyway.

I have also told him, I am here as a friend and nothing else. I totally accept that. But he doesn't have any friends except me who keeps contacting him to know I care. It gets harder.

Wish I knew what to do. I would love to visit him because he could be in a bad way and I need to know he is doing well.

I really do feel for you... I'm actually in the same boat reading your story.

There is clearly some issue lying at the base. I think the guy that I want has trust issues. He doesn't trust me, yet the bizarre thing is, he does everything to show me that HE is the one who can't be trusted. He initially instigated some 21 years ago, and when I responded, he pushed me away. This is INSTANT mistrust. He later shlapped off somewhere for a couple of weeks when he thought I was no longer interested in him, and clearly went off to the bahamas to go sleep with who ever he could find. He wants me to run after him, but when I do, he ALWAYS pushes me away. Not because he isn't interested, but because TRUST is at the base, it's his biggest fear I think. I don't know what else it could be. He pushes me to go look elsewhere, purely through omission meaning that he stays away from me, and then when I do because it's clear he doesn't want to be with me...I'm sure he says to himself..."see, she can't be trusted." He keeps creating distance, thus nurturing his beliefs that are nowhere other than his head. It's a self defeating behaviour. He doesn't want me, BUT he doesn't want anyone else to have me either.

You can find self defeating behaviour in and amongst this forum if you know what you're looking for. Sticks out a mile actually.

Anyway..you'll know what's best. Give it some time.You'll know what to do when the time is right.

I went to see a fabulous psychological thriller last night, The Black Swan. Go see it...it's riveting stuff, and it brings home the reality of emotional disorders.