Overthinker desperately needing to cut it out.

Right, so basically I'm here begging for help right now.

I've always been an overthinker as far as I can remember, and an extreme pessimist at times.
I'll regularly think the worst of everything in a relationship, I'll look into every little bit of a text message, Use of full stops, Use of smileys, Number of x's at the end. And I'll obsess over that and convince myself that they're losing interest and it's my fault because I'm holding them too close or something.

That's not all I do, It can literally be anything, and I'll find a negative side to it and twist it about in my head into a worst case scenario, then I'll let it stew until it drives me insane.
I could write examples out all day, but I'm sure that most people who can offer me advice here will be in a similar situation and won't need to read all of it to sympathise.

So, I convinced myself for a long time that there wasn't anything wrong with me, I just needed to sleep more, Or I needed to drink less coffee or alcohol.
For a while, I was doing well. Probably because I distanced myself from relationships and just tried to be casual.

Recently (Past few months) I've started seeing a girl, and we're now together. She's my "one who got away" really. She's that girl that slipped the net once before and I've never got her out of my head ever since, and I've always wanted her.
We met up as friends after not seeing each other for a while and just fell for each other, and it's just got better since that.

I managed not to overthink it too much up til recently, when my head has taken over again. And it's driving me insane.
She's noticed me doing it, and she's told me a few times just to chill out because she isn't going anywhere.
She's actually really reassuring, I know I'm safe with her. Or half of me does anyway...
But half of me still thinks too much, and I can actually feel myself starting to want to break it off, but have no reasons to do so, and I'm desperately wanting this to work because I've never felt this from a girl before, I don't want to lose it.

I have started to give up hope that I have the strength to get through this myself, and I don't know where to turn next?

Can anybody help me? Point me in the right direction for where to get help, anything?
This post was me keeping it sort of short and to the point, I can explain more if needed, probably.

I'm begging. I hate this mess I'm becoming and I really do not want to lose what I have.

Hi ThurmanPJ,

I can relate all too well with what you're going through. Pretty much everything you described I can relate to.
I over think everything, not just relationships. It can take me an hour to decide what to eat, often I'll become so frustrated and upset that I won't have anything at all.

""That's not all I do, It can literally be anything, and I'll find a negative side to it and twist it about in my head into a worst case scenario, then I'll let it stew until it drives me insane."


Yes, very much the same. It's sad because someone could compliment me, and my mind would still find some way to beat me up with it.

Everything you wrote is quite common with OCD. Relationships can be very stressful for the sufferer who has to constantly battle the negative thoughts that pop into his/her head.
You analyze everything, every casual conversation, until you start seeing things that aren't there.
It's horribly debilitating.
I'm not saying you have OCD, of course, but it might help you to read up on it. I know it helped me to put a name on my behavior.

As for getting some relief, I found hot yoga to be effective in quieting my mind temporarily. Any form of strenuous exercise helps for a little while.
It also helps to be honest. If I get caught up in a obsessive spiral and there are other people around, I'll laugh and say, sorry my OCD is acting up.

When you express your thoughts out loud, they rarely sound as dire as they do when they're left bottled up inside.

I hope some of this helps.
Wish you well, Evol

To be honest, It doesn't surprise me to hear OCD mentioned, I'm pretty OCD but keep it to myself mostly, I have a big thing where when I think something, I say it forwards to myself then say it backwards again, it's very hard to explain but next time I find myself doing it I'll try to focus really hard on it and try to work out why.

I do other things too, I find I have to touch things with every finger an equal number of times, or if say my little finger makes contact with my ring finger on one hand, I'll do it on the other hand, in the same place. So they balance out.

That might explain the reversing of thoughts thing too, achieving balance.

Anyway, I'm feeling much better the past couple of days. I just have these episodes where I chronically think too much and it puts me in a bad mood for a few days. I've not done it yesterday or today though

I'm unsure wether I should mention this to my girlfriend.
I want to be open and honest that this really is something I have very little control over, but I don't want to scare her off.
She's very understanding, but I still get scared that she might realise this might not ever go away.

As for ways to release, I used to do a lot of biking, but now that it's got into winter I just don't get chance to get out so I'm spending a lot more time indoors, I bet that isn't helping!

Thanks for your reply, It's appreciated

EDIT:

I just read up a bit and I fit the criteria all too well. So where do I go from here?
Is there much that can be done for me? Should I go see my doctor?

Hi ThurmanPJ,

I apologize for the delayed response.
What you described about repeating sentences over in your head is something I do, as well. I have to turn it over in my head until it "feels right", which can be troublesome when a line in a film gets caught in my brain and I end up missing 15 minutes of the movie.
I understand why you wouldn't want to tell your girlfriend that you suspect you have OCD, at least until your comfortable.
But please know that OCD can be very manageable with therapy and possibly meds, too. And its nothing to be ashamed of.
I would suggest talking to your doctor, telling him or her about your symptoms and concerns.
It can get so much better, really.

Wish you well,

Evol

Hi Thurman,

I don't know enough about OCD to comment on it, but i used to overthink stuff like crazy. doing some CBT might really help, and maybe if its mostly about relationships maybe asking yourself why you might feel insecure about her staying - i've been known to twist things round in my head and found there is usually a reason at the bottom of it all too, so more "traditional" therapy is sometimes useful too. if it is all linked in with the OCD, it might be more to do with general overthinking and whatever is causing that, but cause you mentioned it being OK when you avoided relationships i'd look into self esteem and how you feel about relationships too.

Talking to your Dr could be a good idea if you want therapy, CBT etc. if you explain how this is affecting your relationship and want to get it sorted, they should be able to do something to help. i dont know if meds help - but some people have said they find they make things easier while they're working on problems.

If your girlfriend is understanding it might be a good idea to explain to her, that way if this makes you get things mixed up, she'll be able to support you instead of letting her own feelings getting in the way, which will be hard if she doesn't understand what's going on. I'm not sure any psychological problem has to be permanent, just that sometimes they are very difficult to sort, but especially if this is a long-term thing, if you decide you can talk to her it could be helpful for both of you.

Hope there is something that helps in there xox

Thanks for your reply Evol , it's great to come across somebody I'm feeling I can really relate to for once, I've done that many times where I've missed things because I'm busy digesting something that was said minutes before.

I might try to avoid telling her for a while longer, I only seem to find myself overthinking things really hard when I'm being insecure and feeling alone, which only really happens sometimes when she's back at uni and I'm stuck here at home for a week or two before I can see her again.

In the mean time, I'm going to get to the doctor and talk to them, see if I can get the ball rolling getting some kind of help.
Then if it becomes a problem again, I'll feel a lot better telling her about it if I can also tell her I'm already seeking help.
It just seems like it'll be easier for her to take in that way, if that makes sense?

katana wrote:i've been known to twist things round in my head and found there is usually a reason at the bottom of it all too, so more "traditional" therapy is sometimes useful too. if it is all linked in with the OCD, it might be more to do with general overthinking and whatever is causing that, but cause you mentioned it being OK when you avoided relationships i'd look into self esteem and how you feel about relationships too.

I think I did do it a lot when I was single too, I just seem to notice it more when there's a girl involved that I want, I guess it's because there's something more at stake, so to speak.

I think self esteem came into it a bit as a reason, I used to feel really awful about myself a lot, but I'm hoping that reason will fade away soon, because my new girl makes me feel reaaaally good about myself, better than anybody else has made me feel, always complimenting me and making me feel good

I think the other reason I might still be overthinking is that this girl has left before. But I understand now why that happened and that it wasn't any of our faults, it just wasn't really the right time to be trying. I'm feeling very secure with our relationship this time around, there's a lot to explain, but I know it can last.

A lot of the time I remind myself of nice things she says/ does for me if I start thinking the wrong way and it puts me right, just sometimes I can't stop myself. so it's that part of me that I need to talk to the doctor about, the bit that just can't help but be really pessimistic from time to time.


Your replies are much appreciated, thank you guys

Hi ThurmanPJ,

I think that's great you're going to see your doctor. It took me years to work up the courage to do so. People with OCD have a tendency to delay seeking treatment because they are very aware that their behavior/thought pattern is irrational.
I never understood why I couldn't just stop, why I couldn't simply cut it out. It becomes a painful source of shame for a lot of people, who are reluctant to vocalize something that sounds so ridiculous even to themselves. I worried no one would believe me or think I was simply an attention seeker.
I certainly understand why you'd prefer to wait until you're in treatment before telling your girlfriend. Show that you are actively seeking help and serious about getting better.
From what you described, it sounds like you have a wonderful girlfriend who cares about you, who would be very supportive of you.

Wish you well,

Evol

This really is something I have very little control over

Herein lies the problem. You need to work on changing your ANTS (automatic negative thoughts). You have the power to change this, but you keep telling yourself that you don't. Start by pulling yourself up EVERY time an ANT comes up. Then, consciously CHANGE what you're saying to a PET (positive emotional thought). In other words, paraphrase and turn the ANT around. What you've said above is a typical ANT. Change it to...

"This really is something I CAN control and will make a concerted effort to nip the ANTS in the bud."

Then...you need some solution focused therapy. Look it up on google, buy a book on it. It's too long to describe here, but the its main philosophy is to think of a time when you did something well; got good feedback for doing something; achieved something etc. Then use this experience and apply it to your relationship. It sounds easy, but takes a LOT of practice. You need to start changing your habits. There is nothing wrong with you, you've merely developed ill habits you've picked up from someone, or somewhere and you've adopted it as your own. It's not who you are...it's merely a behaviour that DOES NOT serve you well. So...get rid of it.

First place to start is by changing your language. Self talk is the CEO of our beings. So, sack the current CEO and hire a new one!

You need to build bridges, not moats.

well first off, it's normal. welcome to being human. second off, just admit it that your panicing and your crazy obsessing (which you have done) but accept it that this is normal. you already recongize that these people are important to you so you don't need to worry about how your going to respond to them. third, you have to accept that you can't control how everything happens, and what you fear may happen anyways EVEN IF you do everything correct and don't obsess.

sometimes it just doesn't work out anyways. - I have been there.

my best recommendation for you is to just walk away from text messages. don't use them, pick up the phone call you can't mistake how someone meant it in voice or in person. also you can't control how other people respond to you all the time... i have been diagnosed with a full blown personality disorder that manipulates people by nature. when I learned to accept that I cant control how other people respond to what I say that is when I found much relief to my disorder (well at least at times...).

for example they send you smileys and xoxoxo's and you instead freak out and stress how they meant it - yea they might have meant it with romantic xoxoxo or a friendship xoxoxo... but so what? they couldn't control how you responded just the same as you can't control how they respond. perhaps it was more of a middle ground testing question to see how open you would be to the idea instead... perhaps they are blending the lines of those two emotions? this is both OK and healthy.

also you need a peer group you sound like your getting lost into that "little world in your head" you need a hobby something to distance yourself from the individuals. something else to anchor your life on in addition to that one person.

- Labor

ThurmanPJ wrote:I do other things too, I find I have to touch things with every finger an equal number of times, or if say my little finger makes contact with my ring finger on one hand, I'll do it on the other hand, in the same place. So they balance out.

I would like to say that this is pretty normal neurotic behavior and is probably more indicitive of a stress event acting out through your system. (i use to do this kind of stuff all the time as a kid)

when the chaotic environmet that I lived in ended then this kind of behavior stopped too.

how is your home life?

I don't think drugs help the neurotic rehashing sentences in your head thing. I think it is more to do with a self-confidence and feeling of security versus a true disorder working it's way out of your system. i do understand what your talking about.

btw, thurman, it's OK to be a little nuts. maybe that's WHY they like you.

- Labor