At what point is enough, enough an its time to quit?

My wife had a really rough childhood thats affecting us now. She was raped at 15 by a bf, didnt meet her father until she was 20 but he said it was to late to start a relationship, and her mother was a drug addict who had multiple abusive boyfriends. 4yrs ago I found an inappropriate video from a coworker. She had an exscuse, so I gave her the benefit of the doubt, I tried to overlook it but told her she needed to start rebuilding my trust. 5 months ago a similar situation occured where she received some very inappropriate photos in multiple emails from the same male coworker. She admits she was in the wrong and that she has issues she needs to work on. I asked her to move out, and we've been separated for about 3 months. She continues to say she really wants to work it and that she is working on bettering herself, yet she admits to doing nothing. She agrees that she needs to speak to a professional and that we should also try couple councelling, however she makes no effort to actually do it. We have 2 beautiful daughters and really dont want them growing up in a broken home. Its seems like shes simply trying to sweep it under the rug and hoping it will all blow over, unfortunately I won't do that this time and I really want her to speak to a pro and help her resolve her issues. But at what point do I throw in the towel and stop waiting? she continues to show she only cares about her feelings and has little regard for mine. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Hey,

I think that this 'stage' of the relationship has been going on for too long, such that it is all probably habits at this point. You have been 'separated' for three months, right? At the present time, she has probably learned that to pacify you all she must do is claim that she will get help, but never has to act upon it. That's what I meant by 'habits' in my opening statement. So, things will have to change again, just as they did three months ago. The logical next step after a separation is a complete 'break-up', if that's what you would like. Before you do that, however, please be sure that she knows what the score is here. I mean, does she actually know that you are considering breaking up? Perhaps if she could see how much she is hurting you - and that leaving her is on your mind - then she would actually change her ways and make a stronger effort.

Arrange a meeting with her and discuss everything that is on your mind. Be as honest and to-the-point as you want to be. I'd argue that you have to be that way if anything is to change. The 'status quo' cannot continue.

Kevin

First off thank you for the input Chucky. I've tried a few times to get her to sit down and have a serious talk. Unfortunately something always comes up on her end. Actually, before I posted this I did tell her its time for the next step. I told her that if she hasnt made a full effort to speak to someone by January, I'm filing legal paperwork. Its not what I want to happen, but lifes to short to be miserable, I've done to much for her and her family to continue to get dragged through the mudd. She has the ability to make it right, my actions will simply be a reaction to hers.

hi rolespo,

im actualy in a similar situation to yours except, im in your wifes shoes, ive tried to cheat on my boyfriend two times, that was the first time that ive actualy admitted that. but my boyfriend is at the point where he cant take the hurt and the pian anymore, and i have been going to a counselor to get helop for my many problems other than cheating. i dont know if i have any advise for you, other than just do what you feel you have to do, if she is only going to think about her feelings and disregard yours than you should do what you have to do to make YOU happy. but i know that reading your post and what your wife has put you through has helped me understand more of what ive put my boyfriend through and for that i thank you, and i truly hope your wife go es to see a professional so that she can get better and the two of you can work it out.

Thanks IDK32. I am curious though what type of couselor did you actually start speaking too? My wife is at the mind set that speaking to someone is a sign of weakness. My theory is you get somebody to bitch at thats willing to actually listen would be great!! lol..The bad thing about my situation is when we discuss it, she admits she made a mistake, doesnt admit to actually any physical cheating, but she then is only able to point the finger at me and point out the lack of attention is what caused her to start asking for inappropriate photos. What she doesnt understand is that after the 1st incident she never attempted to rebuild trust, I tried to hang in there but you can only turn the other cheek for so long when you think your other half is messing around. My only advice to you would be to be brutally honest with him. I would rather know exactly what happend so I could then make the decision if I would be willing to forgive and move on or cut my losses and run. Knowing is better then having that dark cloud of suspicion always hanging over your head. But I am doing what you said, i'm starting to care more about my hapiness vs hers.