I need some help/advice :/

Ok guys, so I got talking with her today, it all went good. She asked me if I still love her. I replied Yes. She then asked if it was the same as when we 1st got together, and I replied that my feelings haven't changed. She said ok, and after some hesitation, I asked how she felt about me. She told me she still likes me, but doesn't want to be in a relationship with anyone right now (Everything was getting to her. Stress, she deals with other peoples lives more then herselves, so she couldn't deal with her relationship - again it adds up and builds more stress). After we got the how eachother feels part out of the way, we talked quite alot and found ourselves on webcam (Nothing naughty, and we would be on it all day talking to eachother(before we got together and while we were together). And she asked to see me (on it) this time). Just about random stuff basicly, found we have a few passed (when we were younger) things in common.

So, how do I keep her interested? without her thinking we are better off as friends?
How much should I talk with her on Messenger? How often should I be available for her to be able to talk with me?
When she decides she wants to see me again, how should I act in person?

Hang on... ...she says that she just wants to be friends, but you are implying that you want to change her mind into believing that she would prefer a relationship - right? I don't believe this is what you should be aiming to do here, sregi2. In fact, I believe you should just give her what she wants - i.e. a friendship. If you are going to have the sole intention that you and her will be together, then you might end up losing everything here. Answer me this dude: What are the best lovers? My answer is that the best lovers are also the best friends. That is something that I believe should be applied to your outlook on your present relationship with this girl. That is, the relationship is merely at a friendship level for now, but maybe could be more in the future. If nothing actually materialises [in the future], then so-be-it.


Take care as always my friend,
Kevin

Chucky wrote:Hang on... ...she says that she just wants to be friends, but you are implying that you want to change her mind into believing that she would prefer a relationship - right? I don't believe this is what you should be aiming to do here, sregi2. In fact, I believe you should just give her what she wants - i.e. a friendship. If you are going to have the sole intention that you and her will be together, then you might end up losing everything here. Answer me this dude: What are the best lovers? My answer is that the best lovers are also the best friends. That is something that I believe should be applied to your outlook on your present relationship with this girl. That is, the relationship is merely at a friendship level for now, but maybe could be more in the future. If nothing actually materialises [in the future], then so-be-it.

Take care as always my friend,
Kevin

Yes and no, I want her to know I'm ready when she is to start a relationship again (without being pushy and needy etc), and I think she knows that from the dialogue I posted in my before post. Part of the reason of the break up was an overload of things, like I said before and in the introduction paragraph. I want her to still be interested in me so when she is ready for a relationship etc, she will come to me, and not look for someone else. Yes I know being friends is the level that I'm at now, but I need to keep her interested (going by that she told me she still likes me), I can tell she does still care about me though since she does give quite some concern (since I'm new to the driving experience, she said make sure I wrap myself up in bubble wrap/packaging wrap, implying she doesn't want me to get slightly injured), but shes just not 'inlove' with me as she apparently once was (maybe just extremly head over heals). When we were together, she decided I was also her best friend, because I was always there for her and always cared and looked out for her etc etc (assuming more then her other friends). So I'm pretty sure I had the 'best/good friend' part down. I'm also pretty sure she see's me as partner worthy, just that she isn't ready for one right now. - Again, when she is, I want to be the one she wants again.

So I should just stay with being real good friends like I was for now? But I still want to keep her interested in me.. I don't know how much I should talk to her, how often I should be available to talk to her. You can obviously see I want whats best for her, and for me into ending up with her again. I don't want to ruin my chances at all.

I simply don't know if staying friends is best or not - there is no possible way for me to know. Thank you for explaining what your actual intention is though (in your above post). Anyway, as I was implying, I cannot predict the future. However, many guys will tell you to get out of the 'friend' zone if you actually want to be with a girl in the future. If you adopt this approach, then you should just get her out of your life and move on. You've tried it with her before but it didn't work, so now move on. If you stay in the friend zone, then you'll never actually be with her again.

Unfortunately (or fortunately?), I'd adopt the friend approach, because that's what I do in my own life. i firmly believe that the best lovers are also the best friends, but it cannot always work out. plus, if you wait around for such a wonderful partner, then you might miss out on other oportunities (and the 'friend' might actually vanish out of your life, leaving you empty-handed).

To conclude, I do'nt have a clue which path you should take; but I know that you are incapable of getting her out of your life (at least in the present time).

Kevin

I'm wondering why she bothered to kiss you when you first met. I find that confusing in all this. She must be a confused woman. I wouldn't let her confusion enter my life, if I were you. It can suck real bad, being with someone who is hot and cold. I'd be a little mad if someone came onto me, like she did, then didn't want anything else.

If I were you, I'd seriously examine how valuable our friendship really is, and then spend some time away from her. Then, you'll know if it's worth it to spend any time with her. Otherwise, you're wasting your time. If you really want to find a soul mate, you're spinning your wheels with her. She might be a good friend but you'll have to be content with that alone. She might change her mind but... iy yi yi... I dunno, man.

Jerril

Jerril wrote:I'm wondering why she bothered to kiss you when you first met. I find that confusing in all this. She must be a confused woman. I wouldn't let her confusion enter my life, if I were you. It can suck real bad, being with someone who is hot and cold. I'd be a little mad if someone came onto me, like she did, then didn't want anything else.

If I were you, I'd seriously examine how valuable our friendship really is, and then spend some time away from her. Then, you'll know if it's worth it to spend any time with her. Otherwise, you're wasting your time. If you really want to find a soul mate, you're spinning your wheels with her. She might be a good friend but you'll have to be content with that alone. She might change her mind but... iy yi yi... I dunno, man.

Jerril

We became real good friends and got pretty close aswell, which grew stronger as time had passed. We were both extremly interested in eachother by the time we met up and had developed some strong feelings aswell (although, I did atleast). I still see a chance in the future, assuming I stay good, close friends with her. Thats how it all began for her, except not how I developed my feelings for her. There was no real problem with me that broke us up - just that, like I said before, basicly she wasn't ready for a relationship. I want to stay close friends because of that (no dead/final reason that would make her not want to be together ever again), and hopfully work my way back up again. But of course, she knows I'm still inlove with her things will be different this time.

I spose it's safe to say that I fell harder for her then she did for me, seeing as I'm still madly inlove with her, and she... well she still 'likes' me, when she said she loved me too and blah blah we would work through this shiet and everything would turn out great. Guess she was just head over heels. Maybe it is time to wake up and face the painful reality. If things don't go well, then I WILL have to just say fck it and stay out of her life and move on (as much as I never want to).


@Kevin

Yes we tried, but it didn't completly crash. So I'm sure you can see why I'm still wanting to be great friends with her and be there for her, what she really likes-and what I did before. This is how I see what could happen. Seeing as we started off being 'friends', then moved to 'good friends', working our way up to a relationship. And seeing as there was no real definite reason to STAY apart (eg. me abusing her, cheating etc. Everything got to her and it became too much), I think I could work my way back up again, and stay 'close friends' (or closer, just like having a 'thing' with eachother), and when she's ready... then... hopfully we get back together. Although if things don't happen that way, and she finds a guy during that time, I will surely be crushed once again, and I would of just wasted all my time-but to be honest, I don't see that happening because she doesn't want to be with anyone right now. And when she does, and if I'm in the right position, we will try again.
I agree that the best lovers are the best friends, and I'm pretty sure she thinks that aswell. Let me bring up how towards the end of the relationship, she decided I was her bestfriend, because, I was always there for her and I would always put her 1st (not sure if she brang up that last bit, but I know that's one of the things she wanted from a partner, and I clearly put her 1st). Another thing I would like to re-bring up. She said so herself when she was breaking up with me that I was perfect to her (that gives the hint there was nothing on my part that was seriously hurting/destroying the relationship?). To me, theres nothing wrong with her, either. She just wasn't ready for a relationship.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say, I don't see why staying out of her life etc could be the best thing to do, with the above reasons and explanations of why I think we could still get back together in the future.

And thanks guys for the continuing advice.

I think i'm beginning to be be able to put myself in your shoes now dude; and I can see/understand why you really don't want to 'leave' her. Let me say this to you: I left a girl who was everything I had ever wanted in a girl. I still don't know why I left her. I think it was arrogance on my part - arrogance that I could try it on with others and expect her to be there for me when I was finished messing around. As it turned out, there was no messing around, and that girl I was with has been married for years. Still, I'll be travelling a huge distance soon with the intention of starting something with another.

Good luck to you chief. I think that my best advice is the following: If you're going to remain in touch with her, then PLEASE just take things very slowly. Don't become obsessional, and learn what bugs her. Also, focus on her likes and dislikes... ...try to be the guy who is just 'different' - i.e. be the guy that she can always 'come home' to for reassurance and support. You don't have to be someone you're not in order to win her affection, so do'nt try to be anyone else but yourself.

Kevin

Chucky wrote:I think i'm beginning to be be able to put myself in your shoes now dude; and I can see/understand why you really don't want to 'leave' her. Let me say this to you: I left a girl who was everything I had ever wanted in a girl. I still don't know why I left her. I think it was arrogance on my part - arrogance that I could try it on with others and expect her to be there for me when I was finished messing around. As it turned out, there was no messing around, and that girl I was with has been married for years. Still, I'll be travelling a huge distance soon with the intention of starting something with another.

Good luck to you chief. I think that my best advice is the following: If you're going to remain in touch with her, then PLEASE just take things very slowly. Don't become obsessional, and learn what bugs her. Also, focus on her likes and dislikes... ...try to be the guy who is just 'different' - i.e. be the guy that she can always 'come home' to for reassurance and support. You don't have to be someone you're not in order to win her affection, so do'nt try to be anyone else but yourself.

Kevin

Thanks alot for understanding. I believe your advice is what I should do, and the approach I was going to go with. I've been noone but myself with her. She is one of the few people over the time period I've known her to really know who I am as a person (if that makes sense.. noones gotten to know ME in that time period). I have every intention to take things slow with her this time. I relise, it wasn't just her that wasn't ready for a relationship, but I too think that I'm not quite ready for one, but I do think I'm more ready then she is, or more ready to deal with one. I think I already am that guy who is 'different'. She would tell me quite a lot how I was a 'rare type of guy'. But I can always stay being that person for her. I've always been there for her, and she knows I still am. I got a surprise Facebook post from her today giving recognition of me still being there for her when she had a 'down' moment, or something like that.

I got thinking this morning, if things, don't go well, like if she finds someone else (when she told me she doesn't want to be with ANYONE right now), then I will send her an email/letter (thinking 2 days after I don't talk to her AT ALL) and just cut it with her. It will drive me crazy, but I think that would be the best thing to do if things get shiet.

I suppose there's another option:

Could you maintain a friendship with her, yet be open to meeting someone else and starting a relationship with that other person if she continues to put you "on hold" in terms of being more intimate?

Jerril wrote:I suppose there's another option:

Could you maintain a friendship with her, yet be open to meeting someone else and starting a relationship with that other person if she continues to put you "on hold" in terms of being more intimate?

That could be a good idea also. But seeing as I still feel deeply for this girl, it would be some time before I'm comfortable with doing that. It would be kinda like, useing that other person to get over her, if you know what I mean.