Recurring "Moods"

Hi,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. He's very sweet to me at times, in words. All of the usual lines about how he could never love another woman if I left him (which he talks about uncomfortably often, and I've asked him to stop to no avail), and holding doors for me, letting me in and out of the car. Most of the time he makes a big show of his chivalry, but I have to just say, whatever. Today he bought me a bouquet unexpectedly.

But... He also, without warning, will drop into extremely bad moods over trivial things. They usually last the whole day, during which he calls and texts me over and over, and if I don't respond fast enough I get ones along the lines of "oh, I guess no one cares, might as well kill myself" or "I do everything for everyone else and still no one even calls me." I've learned to compassionately dismiss the suicide ones. He only has 2 other friends whom he's still in contact with, occasionally, and is constantly threatening suicide to me and to his alcoholic and possibly NPD mother. He has lived with her for the past 7 years, after a bad break-up/credit card debt, and now refuses to leave, supposedly because him living there will keep her from selling their property, so that he can live there after she dies and pass it on to his children. And I'm living with both of them for the summer.

He's so nice to everyone else's face, but refrains from making close friends with anyone. It reminds me of my mother, which is not a good thing... I only have one close friend aside from him, but I've been working on branching out recently. He mocks me, or makes it obvious that I'm coercing him when I try to go out on dates or to clubs with him. (as in saying, "Oh, I was planning on going home and going to bed after work because I had a long day, but sure, we can go out tonight if you want." WTF?! I ask him as gently as possible and still get this lame reaction.)

He also will lie to puff up our relationship around others, but he never really outright "abuses" me behind closed doors, either... I'm just getting sick of the anxiety he causes me with his overly-complex behavior.

This is bad for me. I'm looking into other places to live, but in the meantime, what can I do to get him (nicely) off my back? I highly doubt he'd even attempt suicide, as he'll casually change the subject from serious problems to dreams of his own wealth (i.e. a nice watch in a magazine, or talking about our supposed wedding/honeymoon-to-be in Fiji).

Or am I just being a cold bitch to him? I know this post probably makes him sound like a jackass, but I feel like he's not aware he's doing this, or at least doesn't cop to it, which can make me feel guilty for doing anything about it.

I just don't know...

THe best way to get him 'off your back' is of course to just leave him. His future plan in life don't seem all that great, and it seems likely that he'll forever emotionally blackmail just to get his way. Tha'ts provided he continues to just sit at home and change nothing about his life. If I was in your position, I wouldnt' accept any of this nonsense from him. Do'nt ever let him get the better of you and attempt to manipulate your emotions. He plays that 'no-one loves me card' becaus he knows it reaches to your tender heart (and not your logical brain).

Sorry for that, but I felt that I had to say it.

Anyway, I can see how he has ended up in his present state - i.e. because his mother has probably never shown any love to him. When that happens, you tend to feel paranoid about the genuine loving nature of others around you. That's why he needs your attention - i.e. to feel loved. His needs/wants in life are entirely skewed because of this, however, and a healthy relationship can never last with this.

If you want to help him, then you will have to be come more assertive and less tolerant of his behaviour. By allowing him to get away with what he's doing, you are neither helping yourself, him, or the relationship. If anything, it would be better to see him as just a friend that you can help, instead of a boyfriend you're really struggling to develop a relatiomship with.



Kevin

PS - and for the record - you are most certainly not being a "bitch" to him