Help with girlfriends sister

I am not sure if this is the proper place for this or not, but I don’t know where else to turn.

First problem is that I believe my girlfriend’s sister (I’ll call her Lynn) is suffering from some type of delusional disorder. She recently told the members of her immediate family that she is being watched by the FBI, and that almost nightly, they take her, abuse and rape her, and now the rest of the family is in danger. With the exception of this, which she has only shared with the immediate family, she seems to be completely functional in day to day life – she lives on her own and pays her bills, has a job, and even just bought a house. She doesn’t seem to be a threat to herself or others, so there isn’t anything we can do to get her to go for treatment, and based on some discussions with her, if we were to force her to, that would be bad. She says it’s because no one would ever believer her for the rest of her life because she would have a “red flag” on her file indicating that she was crazy. The family all feels that if we were to force her to do this, she would shut us out of her life, so we think we have only 1 shot to do that, and want to wait until we have no other options to get her help… even if that takes years to do. So I am looking for any suggestions on how to get her to go for help.

The next problem is somewhat, but not completely, related. I’ve been with my girlfriend (I’ll call her Kate) for nearly 20 years now, and known her sister Lynn just about the entire time. I’ve always found Lynn attractive and liked her personality, but never spend much time with her. With the purchase of the house, I’ve been over there quite a bit helping Lynn out (her father has passed away, she has no brothers or other close male family, and she is single). During that time, we have gotten pretty close. Nothing has happened physically or sexually between us, and I couldn’t do that to Kate. But emotionally, I do love Lynn. I love Kate too, so it’s not a question of leaving her or cheating on her, it’s a question of having these feelings for her sister. I feel terrible having them. Yet at the same time, Lynn and I have become very close. And with everything that is going on in her life right now, I can’t just walk away. I couldn’t do that to a friend, no matter how I knew them.

Of course, if I am feeling this way about her, I am wondering if I am making the delusional situation any worse. It definitely started before I started spending any significant time with Lynn, so it’s not like I am the cause. But I am worried that she is having feelings toward me too, and is repressing them because she doesn’t want to hurt Kate, and this is making the delusions worse. But I just don’t know. And being the one she is talking to the most, I can’t just walk away on the chance it might help. But I can’t ask her if she loves me either, mainly because I wouldn’t believe her if she said no, and if she said yes, I wouldn’t know what to do from there. Do I tell her I love her too, but we can never be together? That just sounds like a recipe for disaster. Do I say nothing, and lie to her? I am trying to make sure she trusts me with all the delusions going on, and not being honest with her doesn’t seems like a good thing to do.

So I am lost. I can’t talk to Kate about this because I don’t want to anger or upset her, or make her jealous. I can’t talk to Lynn about this because of her state of mind. And it’s not something that is easy to bring up with family or friends, because they know either one or both of them. Plus, Lynn really doesn’t want people to know about all of the things she told us because again, they will either think she is crazy or put themselves in danger for the same thing happening to them. So I am looking for any advice I can get.

Thanks in advance for any help you can give.

Its in my opinion that when people "hang out" a lot with the opposite sex. Weird chemistry can develop that "feels" strong but isn't love. ESPECIALLY if you empathize with the persons situation. I'd say you and your girlfriend have been together to long to kinda see if dating her sister would be ok. Heck.. if you like her sister more, it is unfortunately time to break up and tell her how you feel.

Here's a question tho, you've been with her 20 years? Why? Thats a very long time just to date.

Sorry, I don't think I was clear in my first post. I have no intention of leaving Kate. I love her dearly, and we have plans to get married one day (circumstances won't let us do so right now). But I also am finding that I do love Lynn too, or at least have feeling that are as close to love as I know. And I feel she really needs someone to love her back right now. I can only do so much of that because I am essentially her brother in law. But I just don't know where to draw the line. Obviously, nothing physical. But how do you let someone like that know you love them without saying those words?

I think you are way too focused on Lynn. It's very unfair to everyone. And yes, you certainly can slowly, quietly, without saying anything to anybody, fall away from her. Show some strength and don't fall into impulsivity. Imagine the hurt - and what you'd be dealing with if you ended up with Lynn. You might very wellspiral downwards and also cause others a lot of pain. Not being judgmental, it's about doing the right thing by all - including yourself. Good luck, do the right thing, man.

we have plans to get married one day (circumstances won't let us do so right now).

Circumstance involving your "love" toward Lynn?
What is with this strong desire to express your love for her anyway? Do you think it's going to benefit anyone involved? This woman is mentally unstable, you are leading her on, because you can't have her and she's not all there, you are leading your girlfriend on because she thinks you only love her.

How about stepping back and evaluate your feelings. Who do you want here? And cut the altruistic crap. You're just using it to justify your longing for an affair.

I have always been really bad at expressing myself, especially in writing, so please bear with me. I see this isn't really going where I thought it would. I'm not trying to justify or even have an affair with Lynn. I am trying to figure out how to express myself to her without leading her on, but still to make sure that she knows I care.

First though, Kate and I not being able to get married has to due with Kate's ex, and a bunch of legal BS as far as I am concerned. We are living together and own a home together, but because of legal reasons, it's better for us not to marry for another few years. It has nothing to do with Lynn. I would have married Kate years ago if I could have.

My focus on Lynn is because I really feel that no one else is, or at least to the extent I think they should be. Her mother is in denial over the delusions. Kate gets angry with her because she won't do to a doctor about it (she is currently reading I'm not sick, I don't need help, so hopefully that will help there). And their youngest sister hasn't said a word about any of this to Lynn since she brouhgt it up. When we've asked about that, she says she wants to be the person that Lynn can turn to if she ends up angry with everyone else. So the only one Lynn is really opening up to about everything is me. I think part of that is because I am still helping her out with things at the house, and part because I am much more level headed and easy going that her family. So I am the one in the middle and keeping everyone informed about the other, because they don't want to talk about the elephant in the room. They'll talk to each other, just not about the problem. I just can't push that under the carpet and ignore it. I want, perhaps even need, to make sure she's talking about it. I've have a hard time living with myself if she did end up hurting herself or someone else, if I did nothing knowing what I now know.

So I would have an extremely difficult time walking away from Lynn right now. I couldn't do that if she was my own sister, so I can't do that here, because she is like a sister to me. But my own sister, I could tell that I loved her, worried about her, or give her a big hug because we are family. Heck, even when my little nephew isn't feeling well, either tired or sick, my instinct is to give him a hug, and let him know it's all going to turn out ok. I really feel like Lynn needs that right now too. Just a hug or somehow to know that someone genuinely cares for her and is there for her. But I am not sure how to do that.

I am not interesting in a physical relationship with Lynn. Yes, I find her attractive and check her out... but what guy doesn't check out an attractive woman that he knows. But I couldn't act on it. She's like a sister or a daughter to me. One I find hot, sure. One if I didn't know Kate, then perhaps. But not the way my life is.

I just want to be able to make sure that Lynn knows she is not alone. That I am here for her anytime she needs someone to talk to. Maybe saying I wanted to tell her I loved her was the wrong words (like I said, I am really bad with words). Perhaps I should have said I wanted to tell her I worried about her, or care deeply about her, or something to that effect.

The purpose for me asking this was to figure out how to say something like that to her without leading her on. And how do I tell Kate (who admittedly is a jealous person), that Lynn is more than just a sister in law to me, but is more a good friend, and I am really worried about her.

I really hope this is all making sense now, and is saying what I want it to say. It does in my head, I'm just not sure if it is on the screen. I guess simply put, is how to do you tell or show someone that you care without leading them on?

Don't you think it's possible to love someone dearly as a friend? I would hope my boyfriend/husband would love my own sisters dearly. I think that's perfectly normal when you spend time around someone and empathize with their situation. Just because you love another woman doesn't mean you want to sleep with her or cheat with her. You love your mother don't you? Is it any different than that? There's many different types of love. What kind of love do you have for her?

Serina81 wrote:Don't you think it's possible to love someone dearly as a friend? I would hope my boyfriend/husband would love my own sisters dearly. I think that's perfectly normal when you spend time around someone and empathize with their situation. Just because you love another woman doesn't mean you want to sleep with her or cheat with her. You love your mother don't you? Is it any different than that? There's many different types of love. What kind of love do you have for her?

Looking at it again, I really do think that my love for her is more like the love for a sister or a mother. I think I was just somewhat confused with all of this because I really do find her attractive. So when you add a physical attraction in with strong feelings, it makes things very confusing.

I think part of it also is because of her delusions. Not only does she have the "typical" ones of beleiving she is being watched by the government, but she also believed she is being taken by them nightly. It used to be for her own protection (from drug dealers the FBI was spying on who were living in her apt. building). When they were doing that, she fell in love with one of the agents (a person living in her building, who was undercover, so they only spoke at night when he took her, never when she was awake). However, other agents were jealous of this and crooked, so began to rape and abuse her. Eventually, this first agent realize that he didn't have to love her, that raping her was just as good. She has indicated several times, that she doesn't understand how anyone could or would ever love her.

So my desire here is to let her know that someone (me) does love her. That I don't have to because many in-laws don't necessarily love each other. And I am even doing so without the goal of getting sex or anything else from her. I am just stuggling how to say, or even show, that. I am trying to be there for her, and listen to her. But it just doesn't seem like enough. Perhaps it is. But I still feel lost and looking for direction as to what to do.

Give her a sister gift or a sister card and tell her how much you feel like she's as close as a real sister. Focus on emphasizing the sisterlyness of your love. This will help you, her and your girlfriend to feel comfortable that this isn't a sexual love. You're just her big brother. Use lots of brother sister words. And if you ever feel that you're getting away from a sister/brother situation then you need to back off for a while and spend time away from her.

I don't think I have ever given her a gift before. I have purchased things for her as a gift my girlfriend and I, but never anything just from me to her. Not even a card that I can remember. If I were to do something like that now, do you think it would be taken as a brotherly thing or just a freind thing, and not something more? And any ideas what type of gift would be appropriate?