My mother and I have a DYSFUNCTIONAL relationship!

I'm 22, and my mother is the closest person to me in my life. I will admit that I am flat out dependent on her. Sometimes I feel like I'm not an adult... and that I'm still a kid who needs my mom to guide me in life. I don't know what to do if she doesn't take control of the situation for me. I'm very attached to my entire family, but especially my mother. The ONLY people I have ever been close to/trusted is my family.

My mother and I have issues. We act like we are best friends one second, the next we are screaming at each other. Yesterday we were going to go out somewhere, and right before we got into this big fight. I slammed the front door and went to go start the car. Minutes later my mom comes into the car and says "So, where do you wanna go?" As if we weren't just screaming our brains out minutes before. This happens ALL the time. We fight practically every day. Then we go back to being fine shortly after; sometimes a day later, sometimes hours later, sometimes MINUTES later.

It was never this bad until about a year or 2 ago. My mother IS going through menopause, so I don't know how much that has to do with it. But I have seen a huge change in her over the past year or 2. Like me, she has always been very high strung...but now she is ridiculously bad. She cries at the drop of a hat, she gets INSANELY upset over things that aren't even a big deal, she has terrible short term memory etc. But I can't blame it ALL on her, because I have my own issues as well.

The crazy thing is, she is still the closest person to me in my life. I know I wouldn't even be able to live if she wasn't around. The thing that really bothers me about it is that my mother doesn't seem to take it as personally as I do. She is always the one to start a conversation with me right after we argue, as if nothing happened. When I say to her "What the hell is with you? Were we NOT just fighting 2 seconds ago?!" She replies "You think that was a fight? We weren't fighting, we're just loud people. I'm a loud person. I talk loud, I have dramatic mannerisms, that's just how I am. That doesn't mean I'm mad at you." That's the difference. I take fights personally most of the time, even the small ones. She doesn't.

I don't know why we do this. I don't know how I can be so attached to my mother, yet fight with her as if I hate her. It is to the point where it' normal to us. Where we can get into an argument, and then go watch tv together. We don't make up and apologize - we just act as if it didn't happen.

I need some advice here on your opinion of this matter. Please don't respond with the "go to a therapist" type of answer. I just want some opinions from a 3rd party, about this situation.

Hi,

The thought of saying 'go to a therapist' was actually nowhere near my mind when reading your post. In fact, all that you've said could be applied to my own relationship with my mother in the past. I have since moved out (and I'm male, by the way), but when i lived at home I generally got on fine with my mother and would go for walks with her and just be very open about things. However, we'd always curse at each other too (usually me to her... ...) and just generally disagree in a big way over things. Anyway, you must realise firstly that she is 'old' and is less likely than you are to change. So, you are going to have to be the flexible one here and try to accomodate her behaviour - I really think that this is the only way. You are young enough to still have some enthusiasm for life, but she might not be because of her age and experience.

Basically, you will have to be the one to manage these arguments when they arise. How you an do this is by firstly not raising your voice, even if she does. Secondly, know when to just walk away and not feel as if you have to get the last word in. It's harder to just walk away from an argument than it is to try to 'win' it by continuing the shouting competition!

Kevin