Life without friendships or romantic relationships

I've pretty much consigned to the fact that I'll never have any kind of meaningful relationship, ever.

I wish I had reason to believe differently, but I don't. When I was in school (I graduated from College last December) I'd hang out with classmates between classes and stuff, but that was basically it. I was never invited to anything, and was always just considered an acquaintance.

I never made an effort on my end, partially because I usually didn't want to, or felt like they weren't interested in doing other stuff.

On the girl front, I've been on two whole dates (I'm just about 23 years old now) and both girls went from expressing strong interest in me prior to the date, to fvking some other guy less than a week later. I'm relatively good looking (or so I've been told) and apparently attract a lot of attention (of course women aren't real up front about that kind of thing usually).

Needless to say, I see no "hope" for the future. I'll just make lots of money and drown out my sorrows inbetween the weekly visit with the parents in a tiny apartment for the rest of my life.

How do you live the loner lifestyle, and do you think there is really a way that someone in my position could change these circumstances,,, keeping in mind that being a loner and having no friends is ingrained in my personality<

Hi, shhhshhh! Maybe you should look for a mate who likes the same things you do and maybe has the same personality type, on a dating site or something. You don't have to make a large number of friends to stop feeling alone, just make a few changes and see how you feel.

A little over 3 years ago and even today, I am in your same position.
I've always been the type of person that wanted people to come to me, because I think that people don't like me, or something of that sort.
Even though, I've had the same boyfriend now for over 3 years, don't think that it hasn't been without its downs.
Most of the downs were my fault, because I have very bad trust issues and I am just a hard to deal with person, in my opinion anyway.
I'm the type of girl that is quiet and shy, until you get to know me.
I've been told that I am an attractive girl, and that I have an amazing personality.
I've been in many different relationships, and every guy I have dated has been totally different from the other.
Let's see you've got the compulsive liar, the thought he was gay one, the just wanted to get in my pants one, and finally the right one.
I do believed that I have found the guy for me, and believe me, he was NOT easy to find.
That doesn't mean that it's that way everyone.
I do believe that there is someone out there for EVERYONE, despite what you may think.
They could be right next door, or a thousand miles away.
And I don't believe in "love at first sight." That''s why it is called "falling in love"
I don't care what anyone says, finding love was not easy for me. It was a long road, but in my opinion it was worth every moment.
I can't promise that you will find the one for you, but I can promise you that they are out there somewhere.
I know it doesn't seem like it, but it's true.
Good luck, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, just send me a message or email me :]

shhhshhh wrote:How do you live the loner lifestyle, and do you think there is really a way that someone in my position could change these circumstances,,, keeping in mind that being a loner and having no friends is ingrained in my personality<

Therapy and prostitutes. As long as you are making plenty of money you can afford it.
Prostitutes aren't a long-term solution, but they'll make you loosen up about sex and feel less desperate. That will attract a potential girlfriend.

sfguy75x wrote:Therapy and prostitutes. As long as you are making plenty of money you can afford it.
Prostitutes aren't a long-term solution, but they'll make you loosen up about sex and feel less desperate. That will attract a potential girlfriend.

Haha. For some reason, I partially agree as a short-term, 'no-other-choices-left' solution. Well, therapy as a good start, nonetheless.

TheSoftestBlue wrote:Needless to say, I see no "hope" for the future. I'll just make lots of money and drown out my sorrows inbetween the weekly visit with the parents in a tiny apartment for the rest of my life.

How do you live the loner lifestyle, and do you think there is really a way that someone in my position could change these circumstances,,, keeping in mind that being a loner and having no friends is ingrained in my personality<

Well, it sounds sad that you've resigned in that way. If you're resolute to thinking that you won't have a relationship, just remember that a relationship is simply about wanting one, it's not a necessity.

But c'mon, you're 23. Don't give into that I won't be able to get a girl nonsense. In the end, it's just a rudimentary way of thinking that can be changed. Perhaps not easily but the point is that you can change your lifestyle and your mentality. Think about whether you really want a meaningful relationship (assuming you still do) and find out what you have to change in yourself. What kind of relationship do you want and moreover, what sort of girl do you want to attract. Then start to slowly changing yourself to fit that goal. If you want to be a loner, then by all means. No hostility implied.

Here's a tragic example. One of my work colleagues is 40, is not married, has no kids, lives by himself, has no friends, has been working in the same job for 5 years now (of which he can be doing so much better since he's quite intelligent), is socially repressed and never goes out with anyone.

Yeah, I'm sure that's an appealling life to live or aspire to.

Anyway, good luck and hoped this has helped.

Instead of 'socializing' or 'relationship' try thinking of it as simple interaction. Similar to work, or class, or... that takes the pressure off by establishing an emotional neutrality to things. Social dynamics are a skill that's not automatic, but learned. The more you're around people, and talking, etc the better at it you get. The better at it you get, the more natural and secure you'll feel. Friends and lovers come and go. Don't let that natural fact get you down.

A suggestion: Identify or find interests and pursue them. A hobby like weightlifting, hiking, electronics, whatever. Then find a club or organization to participate in. For me it was all of these. I was heavily iinvolved with search and rescue, YMCA (and no, I'm not one of the village people. Lol) And JROTC during high school. In and after the Army, it was competitive marksmanship (shooting), benchresting (long distance marksmanship), scuba, etc.

Doing THIS is a win win. You'll find something you enjoy doing whether or not you find someone you enjoy doing it with. Trust me. I had to LEARN to accept being alone. I did, but also learned that there are people out there eager and willing to exploit a persons loneliness. That 'unlearns' the contentment of self containment, and hurts like you can't believe.


P.s.: just so ya know where I'm coming from: I work 11 to 12 hours a day, 7 days a week for 4 to 6 weeks at a stretch. Thousands of miles from home, I have maybe..... 30seconds of conversation a day, and its always with a total stranger. Otherwise, its total isolation. THAT sucks sometimes.

You are only 23 and you've decided to resign yourself to your mental construct of not ever being in a meaningful relationship.

And, that's what it is at this point. A mental construct. And this belief of yours is helping to construct your perceptions, expectations and experiences.

I would highly recommend getting some kind of help to shift your ideas of yourself and ability or chances of being in a meaningful relationship. And, once you feel like it is a possibility, then don't go looking for it, but be ready for it to happen.

I think it also helps to make yourself available, i.e.: to be in a situation where there are available people who might want to be close to you. I don't think singles bars are great, I don't think the internet is great, but I do think, like "ghost" said before my post, that it is good to be involved with things you are interested in or care about. This solves two problems. It gets you out of yourself and your problems and actively pursuing interests or goals. Secondly, it puts you in contact with people on a REGULAR basis. If others can observe you over time to see what you are like habitually, it makes them more comfortable with you. They also then will know if you're basically reliable or not, if you're consistent, if you're sober or not, etc, etc. and you'll get to know others.

And, it's a good idea to make yourself as attractive as possible. Everyone can look good if they spruce up a bit, especially when it comes to their thoughts and feelings. Feeling good, healthy and radiant is attractive, no matter what your genes have handed you in terms of body type or facial features.

I wish you to meet someone who becomes significantly your other and vice versa, amigo. It can be very rewarding. I think it's also important to know what kind of person you'd like to spend lots of time with and, for many of us, that comes with dating and getting to know others ("trying out" relationships). Others get lucky sooner. I know couples that've been together many, many years and they're very young still. But, don't worry about what other people got goin' on in their lives; just focus on your scene, ok?

Basically, I think that if we want a relationship we just have to start with ourselves, our relationship with ourselves. We need to improve ourselves first and feel good about our lives regardless of someone else in it or not. Then, when we feel passionate about life, our passtimes, vocation, or whatever, then we can be open for another to come into it in healthy ways. A relationship is no savior; it doesn't provide us with all we need. We still have to be willing to work with ourselves in our own little worlds.

It can be hard being single, no doubt. But look at it as Christmas. Remember how fun it was to open your prezzies on Xmas day? You've got a lot to look forward to if you can only believe you'll one day, eventually, have a meaningful relationship. Why not, hey?

Best wishes,
Jerril

Life without those two things is better, but only if its by your own choice, which yours doesn't seem to be.

girl issues, and friend problems.. therapy.

For awhile, I felt the same way. I have no desirable traits for dating, and I gave up attempting to get a girlfriend. It sucked for awhile, but eventually my sex drive dropped to nil, which helped, and I started to see the better of single life. There are a lot of downsides to being in a relationship.

Once I get a good job, I plan on buying a house, dog, a kick ass car, a bunch of guns, a boat, and whatever the hell else I want. And there will be no one to tell me I can't. Half of my spending money wont go to make up, purses, and clothes that will only be worn once. No one to dole out sex to control the relationship, no one to tell you no more strip clubs.

You can live however you want. Sure, it may not be as fulfilling as a good marriage, but it doesn't mean you have to be unhappy. Pick up some hobbies, meet some people doing those hobbies, who knows, you might find someone to date if you want. Just make yourself happy, and in the process you may find some friends or someone to date along the way.