Dating a Survivor

Hi everyone,

Have read through the forums a few times and there's a lot of helpful advice and people here. At least for me, not having any personal experience of abuse it's helped to open my eyes and begin to understand some of the difficulties my partner faces day to day.

A lot of which she doesn't feel strong enough to tell me about, scared I will react angrily (not at her but of what happened), and mainly embarrassed/ashamed because she feels responsible and hates herself. She says she loves me and that itself makes it harder for her to be able to talk to me.

Before I get going (I do have a lot in my mind and questions I want to put out there) I read with interest a thread by "copco" about being in a relationship with a survivor and can relate to some of what he said in my relationship.

We met over 18 months ago, a friend of my sister. She had said to me fairly early on that she had been abused, the extent of which I didn't know, but she wanted me to know as she was worried that if I found out later on I'd run off. Of course, I reassured her right then that whatever had happened it wouldn't change how i was feeling for her. It's true even now, and I know a lot more than I did.

So that meant at first she wasn't comfortable being intimate with me, understandably. We had discussed this and I told her I was prepared to wait and help her. I genuinely care for her and not having sex isn't the end of the world. She found that hard to believe as I'm a guy but I agreed to show her and I never asked or pressured her for sex and said it would only happen if she wanted it to.

After a while she was starting to become more intimate with me, small things at first but at her own pace and it got to the point where she was saying she was enjoying it and never thought she ever would after what she'd been through. Occassionally afterwards though she would close up and try not to cry, it was bringing back memories of how she felt after she was abused. I would hold her until she fell asleep which helped.

It's been a year and everything has been going OK until very recently. She'd met another girl at work who has a similar past and my partner had asked her to help deal with some of the problems. For me all I can see is her deteriorate rapidly. She's not been able to sleep or nightmares are a norm every night for her now. She doesn't feel comfortable around me all of a sudden, not for being me, but because I'm a guy she says. We used to talk about her feelings and now there's nothing really. I am feeling shut out all of a sudden.

When we had previously talked about some of the abuse (it had go on for a number of years but she bottled it all up and still does) she outright refused to talk to a councillor and even now that's the case. She puts this down to not wanting them to be able to pull things out of her head, she wants to be in control. Also, she had cut herself on her arm 3 times which at first i was shocked with and she told me she did it to make her feel real and admitted to me that before I came along she'd used to it a lot more. It hasn't happened since but I'm more observant of looking for it now. Also, when we first started seeing each other she wasn't able to control her anger but gradually we managed to use it to focus on her sport and she had a much healthier release. I fear this might take an about turn too.

We'd play fight but I'm careful not to pin her down (It took a lot of time for her to trust me when I'm over her) but the last time was more violent, from her. I don't mind her hitting me, it wasn't hurting particularly but she does it hard for someone of her size. What I found difficult was fighting the urge to hit back or pin her back. I know that sounds terrible to think it but it did take me by surprise and I wasn't sure what to make of it. I could feel myself building up and then I'd realise its her and stopped myself before i did anything. I'm still not sure whether letting her have that outburst was helping or going to make things worse.

It seemed we'd come a long long way from when we first met. She was so much happier and confident in herself. She had realised there is light at the end of the tunnel, we were beginning to become what she calls "normal". Until this hic up which has put us back to square one and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to be reassuring and understanding but I don't have all the answers.

She hasn't done before and refuses to speak to a councillor. I even suggested another approach of trying a hypnotherapist to no avail. She's not comfortable around me right now. She wants to know "how to fix herself" but I'm lost for words. I want to help but I couldn't feel any more helpless right now. Like I said earlier, I'm no expert but I am willing to listen to others advice if you have the time.

I'm sorry a small post has turned into a book. If you make it this far, thank you for taking the time to read it all. Feel free to ask any questions, especially if I've missed something important! I'll do my best to give you an honest answer. Thanks.

Hi,

I think that at this point - unfortunately - there is little that you can do to help her. In fact - and ironically so - the best way to help her is to simply leave her alone and let her get on with things for the time being. So, If you can stay away for a while, then great. Just give it a go for a few days and see what happens; and don't sit by your phone waiting for her to call either! Get on with your own life too. You owe her at least the opprtunity to try to help herself without you getting involved.

Kevin