Financial abuse by of Man by a Woman...am I the only one?

I was wondering if I am the only one in the world with this problem because nobody seems to speak out about it!!! I married a woman in summer of 2007 who had a daughter, and promised to split finances with me since I let her know clearly and in no uncertain terms that I do not have the kind of financial situation going on in which I could support a wife much less a wife and a step daughter, and that by around November 2007 or so is about the longest I felt comfortable cushioning the move in together and allowing a reasonable amount of time before I expected at the very least, if not a job, a visible whole hearted attempt at getting a job. In other words, I am not a mean animal that is all OCD about money, I understand that someone might need 3-4 months of breathing room to settle in and all. What I did not expect is 2 years of blatant, lie based exceuse making, and insulting comments about the fact that I am on disability, get "free" money, that a "good husband" wouldn't care so much about if a wife pitched in her half, stories about my mother "telling my wife not to get a job for a year" when what my mom really said was that she would help for a maximum of up to a year while my wife looked for a job just in case job job hunting didnt pan out...which was tempered by me telling my wife that I still wanted her to have a job way before that. Then in April 2008 my wife said sorry I havent been looking for a job, but your mom told me not to work for a year. I "cleared it up" (though i think she already knew the statement was not genuine) by "informing" her that no sane person would order someone not to work, and that of course my mom meant she would cushion our new living situation for a MAXIMUM of a year in case my wifes ACTIVE job hunting did not pan out, which nobody expected to go on a year anyway much less two years. 2 MONTHS LATER SHE ACTED LIKE THE CONVERSATION WAS NEVER HAD, AND SAID MY MOM TOLD HER NOT TO WORK AS THE EXCUSE FOR 2 MORE MONTHS AFTER APRIL, UP INTO JUNE!!! And even into 2009 she repeated the mom told her not to work excuse (debunked calmly and in detail multiple times, what is that???), as well as a "sob story" that she "supported her boyfriend 10 years ago for 2 years", with tears in her eyes (gee that guy sure isnt me is he??? i should have the tears not her...), and on and on, it seems like pathological lying, though she is insulted being called a pathological liar BUT WHAT ELSE IS IS WHEN SOMEONE IS PATHOLOGICAL ABOUT LIES OTHER THAN WHAT IT IS CALLED...PATHOLOGICAL LYING??? So you see, my bank account has gone from 12,000 to 1,500 dollars in 2 years, and I drew the line and said "enough" this month (since the alternative is going into debt), that I want her to move back in with her parents. and get therapy for responsibility and honesty/communication/financial issues, that I will even help pay a bit for ironically if needed...but that I can not be taken advantage of anymore! (which she "resents" hearing...EVEN THOUGH IT IS PRECISE IN REALITY!!!!) So I cant go on much more, suffice it to say that I am ethical, honest, open, NEVER TELL LIES ABOUT KEY LIFE ISSUES and responsibility (I am too aspergers...mild anyway) She calls it abuse that I "bring up finances" and "argue" with her BUT WHO WOULDNT! How about if I married a woman on disability and drained her bank account with demeaning excuses (after promising to work mind you) about how I should not have to work when she has free money...would the hypothetical woman not "argue" with me and be upset, for good reason??? We are separating in July, which she blames ON ME wanting to "leave her" not looking at herself setting up my money being gone! How do I support a family of 3 on 17,500 a year and $1,000 rent wothout a wife working? Please if anyone can share a story to make me feel not crazy I would love it. My self esteem had gone from 90'% to about 50% in the last 2 years. By the way her close friend and a family member validate that this general behavior fits in with what they have seen in her in general, so no I am not making this up at all. By the way this woman is beautiful inside and out, but only becomes "ugly" like the above stories when confronted with responsibility. In other words, if Donald Trump or the World Bank sponsored our relationship we would be great chemistry wise, but they dont and Im up a creek.

Hi,

You are not crazy at all, but you and her need to find some common ground here. At the moment, you are both 'shouting' at each other from a distance and the words are getting jumbled up during transmission - That's no way to have a good conversation. Sit down with her and express your concerns about what has been happening, and then let her express her concerns. Once you have both shared each other's concerns, then an agreement/plan for the future must be reached. What I'm implying is basically that communication is the way to solve this problem - Good, honest, adult communication.

Kevin

well thanks, and I agree, but we already communicated many times, calmly about the reality of it all, just like what you are thinking...a few weeks later she "forgets" what we agreed upon or said and reverts to the previous frame of mind as if the conversation never happened. It was after several meetings of the mind that later disappeared that the sporadic arguing started. I think she has a pathological excuse making problem, and will even revert back to excuse after they have been debunked completely (even with herself seeming to have a real insight and admission to the problem, I have never seen this before by the way in any previous girlfriend I have ever had...oh I had other issues but this one is weird, how to you "forget" KEY carefully and passionately talked about and agreed upon things, MAIN THINGS like being able to physically afford to live together! I call it pathological lying myself, and it comes up during confronting responsibilities of many kinds that are necessary for any healthy relationship. I mean she said she would have a job by Nov. 2007, the new years, then spring, then when school got out, then when school got in, then the next new years, then spring, then June (which was warned for 6 months to be the time I would run out of savings and we would have to separate), now she tells me half the time that I just want to leave her, and I wont give her a chance to get a job. (LOL come on, you know that is comical if not tragic). She put in 2 applications the first year, both about 8 months into it. Then she played on the internet which never works, when I told her go to temp agencies and unemployment, and a job center to get signed up. NONE OF WHICH EVER HAPPENED IN 2 YEARS! So I am thinking separation for a year so I can have more than $0 in my bank account, therapy...30% chance of it working, she is over 40 and people don't change much. This is just sad. But I still want to hear more stories from people who have been through this, male female, straight or gay, black or white...I need some support on this please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Come on I know this is going on with more than just me. I want to identify this disorder in people so I can have more insight in how to fix it, or maybe into what I am afraid to find out, that it is 10%, 1%, or 0% "fixable" in someone. :/

You can't make a person do what they do not want to do.
She doesn't WANT a job.
Could be for so many reasons... she's not current in her field and so can't compete any longer, or she's been out of the workplace so long that her skills are rusty; or she's afraid of interviewing and being rejected, or she really thinks that a man should support a woman but she won't voice that; or she's angry with you and 'punishing' you by not doing as you wish, or or or...
But the bottom line is.. she doesn't WANT a job.
You can negotiate and get her to agree to all kinds of things but it's probably just a ruse with her, and you can analyze her motivation (or lack of motivation) all you want, but the fact remains...
She doesn't WANT to work.

I think that's the reality that you need to begin to deal with.

Give it time, Pendragon, and more people will reply. I have not been in your situation before but I have read many stories here of people who have been. You will be okay, but just remember not to do anything silly and to remain your composure throughout the separation process.

Take care,
Kevin

it is so weird, because I feel like I have had to get a degree in psychoanalyzing my wife in order to figure out what is happening! she acts like a typical guy not a nurturing woman (cant apologize, cant take responsibility, tunes out/doesnt listen/ignores, insensitive remarks, likes action movies, falls for gender stereotypes, pathological excuse making and story telling - stories that change but when called on she says I "heard wrong" or "took it wrong" etc). I just wish I had more resources for protecting myself, as someone on disability, from being taken financial advantage of (consciously or subconsciously...because who cares, it is all bad!).

I have just noticed in society when this sort of thing happens to women they can more easily get friends and internet chatters (and priests and therapists for that matter) rallying around to say what they are going through isnt right, to protect themselves from it, that they arent imagining it, and for men in this situation, they get maybe 50% of the same understanding and support for being financially taken advantage of by a woman...and since women notice this double standard as well (we are all in the same universe after all) a woman can play up the perceived lack of support a man gets and get away with, well, 50% more of this kind of abuse. And 50% is a gracious estimate, I think men get more like 25% the amount of understanding for this issue...just like for physical abuse. Sure I know it all happens less maybe, but even per capita or whatever for how often it happens, the percentage of understanding per person is way less. It just is. Gender double standards.

For example, if I met a woman on disability, and say I had a kid (which I dont but if I did) then I set up the woman to live with me, and "promised" to split the finances since she made to little to support me (and *why* would I want another human being I am married to supporting me anyway again????????), and only showed any resistance to the idea of working AFTER we were married and living together and not before, I'll bet anyone $1,000 that within a year of using the poor woman for money and not trying acceptably to get a job (which I would NEVER to to any human being), I'll bet $1,000 that her family and friends would be telling her that I was being abusive, using her, and probably try to get her to leave me for her own good, and have her tell me to get help, and get it together before we live together anymore. Because it isnt right. In my case, between my family, friends, and internet chatter, after 2 years of weird financial abuse, or zoning out/excuse making, whatever the heck this is, I hear crickets in the background instead of any real, sober, advice or understanding from personal situation. Where is anyone in my circle of friends or family telling me to protect myself? Gee maybe I dont have any real family or real friends then, just codependancies which is sad. I know I can make my own family in the future though, and it will be made up of non-lie based people who have healthy boundaries, that is for g - d sure!

But remember before anyone judges me, it not about the money! (although lets see how happy any of you would be after having the first $10,000 you ever had saved up on the bank drained away for nothing...for nothing but excuses and manipulation) Its about the lies/excuses/changing stories/unreliability and lack of integrity that the financial issue has made rear its head from my wifes psyche...none of which I had a clue to the first 5 months we knew each other because unlike her with me I took her at her word, trusted her and loved her.

If I lost $10,000 because her leg was amputated or whatever...fine. But because she is willfully against being responsible for me or her own daughter, and has nothing wrong with her physically, not fine. I am depressed beyond belief about all of it and I cant wait till we separate and I have a therapist to tell me that this was abuse and I'm not crazy for calling this abuse like my wife likes to portray it.

Hi there,
I haven’t been in this situation before, but you’re definitely not crazy. She entered into a marriage knowing that you could not support a wife and child on your salary, and that she would need to work. This is the arrangement most couples have. Few families can afford to rely on a single provider, and in those cases the stay-at-home parent is tending to the house and children. Everyone earns their keep one way or another.

May I ask how long you dated your wife before marrying her? The way you write about her behavior makes it sound like it was all very unexpected. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m guessing you didn’t have a lengthy courtship. Did the two of you live together before marrying? She obviously lied about the role she was willing to play in this relationship, but had you taken things slowly her true nature would have been revealed before a commitment was made.

I’m making a lot of assumptions here, but it just sounds like you married someone you didn’t know very well. You’re right that your wife is being unreasonable. We don’t understand her motives or the reason for her behavior. Regardless of whether she is mentally ill or out-right abusive, it’s not right and you don’t have to put up with it. She’s not willing to compromise or work with you, so the separation is probably for the best. Who knows, perhaps facing the consequences will finally open her eyes. But if it doesn’t, do you want to be with someone who does whatever they want no matter what the consequences?

On a final note, you seem really upset about the double standard of spousal abuse. You keep switching the gender roles to prove that her behavior should be considered abusive. You don’t have to do that. Her behavior IS abusive. You’re right that women have more support when it comes to this, and that’s simply because of the numbers. It’s also because women in those situations are less likely to be financially independent. Double standards work both ways. It sucks, but we all deal with it at some point.

Having said that, you need to take some responsibility for the role you played. Yes, you were lied to. You were manipulated, you were used, and you were abused. But YOU made a life-long commitment to someone before taking time to REALLY know them. YOU chose to handle her unwillingness to work the way you did, and YOU allowed your savings to drain away. This is not gender bias, this applies to both men and women who allow others to take advantage of them. We're not 100% helpless in these situations.

Believe me, I've known women who were in abusive or unhealthy relationships. After awhile, nobody wants to hear them complain either. Friends and family reach a point where they just can't listen anymore. You either have to take action or accept the way things are.

LifeSong wrote:You can't make a person do what they do not want to do.
She doesn't WANT a job.
Could be for so many reasons... she's not current in her field and so can't compete any longer, or she's been out of the workplace so long that her skills are rusty; or she's afraid of interviewing and being rejected, or she really thinks that a man should support a woman but she won't voice that; or she's angry with you and 'punishing' you by not doing as you wish, or or or...
But the bottom line is.. she doesn't WANT a job.
You can negotiate and get her to agree to all kinds of things but it's probably just a ruse with her, and you can analyze her motivation (or lack of motivation) all you want, but the fact remains...
She doesn't WANT to work.
I think that's the reality that you need to begin to deal with.

I hope you didn't take this post as unsupportive to you. I think I understand your situation and what she is doing IS unfair to you. The agreement appeared to be that she'd get a job and contribute financially. And she isn't. That's unfair.

I just posted above to make sure you know that she isn't getting a job because she doesn't want to get a job and probably has no intention of getting a job. That's the reality. Your search for some kind of explanation for this, or medical/mental diagnosis for this, or trying to get others to agree with you in how unfair she is, just prolongs your anger and grief, I think. And maybe you're trying to find some hope to hold on to that she really WILL get a job someday. Maybe she will... maybe she won't.
But that doesn't matter at this point as much as the fact that she's not trying to get a job, and a decision needs to be made. I guess the decision is to separate in July, as you say.

matahari and lifesong...exactly, and thanks. i definitely see the point about my part...and a little whining...but I really did have to get to a 2 year point for some reason, i kept giving my wife chances, maybe I went a year too long who knows.

i hope she gets help and therapy and it works, we are still arguing a bit in this awkward last month and a half...its hard to sleep near someone you have these deep seated unresolved issues with (and who has serious issues with integrity and honesty), i am trying to be christ like (in a spiritual not religious way) and love and understand even my own financial abuse and know that she has been hurt and not treated right in her earlier life. but i do appreciate the support here and it does help and ill update here every now and them when I can, hopefully anyone else in this situation might find insight as well??? argh its hard to candy coat it all though this sucks!!! but thanks all