Obsessive Attraction at 55 HELP!

To try and make a long story short...I have been married 10 years to a man who is unable to have sex and shows no effection. He says he loves me. I was resigned to fact that there was no physical love-he never even acts like he wants to touch me. He scratches my back-when I ask-through my clothes! he won't touch my skin. I was going to church and living a very isolated life and feeling very little closeness to my husband. he is always at work or asleep within an hour of getting home. While I was working at a volunteer job one day a man came in needing help with food. He had just got out of jail! Nothing violent. I was attracted before he left the room. Very much attracted. In less than a week--I kept running into him--I told him what I felt and how shocked I was to have those feelings. It was electric--I could hardly breathe around him. He said he appreciated my honesty. I have not been looking for anyone or thinking that I would ever have those feelings again. I took care of some things for him financially that would shock my family and it's making me sick with worry. It is a lot of money involved. He never asked me--I volunteered. I have never done anything like that before. He says he can't have a romantic relationship with a married woman and that I have him as a friend for life. I spent the better part of a week with him including two nights. There was no intimate sex. He is all I can think about. He has moved to another town--with my hel--and says I can call and visit whenever I want to. I am so confused and depressed. I think about him all the time and the good time we had together these past several days. I laughed more than I have in 20 years! My husband and I haven't had sex in 9 years and haven't slept in the same bed in 2 years. I have not been so attracted to another man like this in years. We get along fine and have a lot in common. I can't tell if he would really ever want more than friendship or if I would either--but there is a matter of money and my sanity. I can't get into see a shrink for another month. Anybody had such a sudden shock in their life? Any suggestions? I am leaving town tomorrow for a couple of days to visit family. I am so restless I can't stay at home and I don't want to visit my friend and have him think that I am this obsessed. Also--my husband knows I was with this other man but believes that we did nothing physical. My husband told me tonight to straighten up and that only a drunk would ever want me. I am 55 my husband is 55 and my friend is 50. I should know better and I feel so guilty.

Well I'm certainly not one to give advice or opinions but.. I think you should approach that fellow and demand to know whether he could or does love you like you appearantly love him. If you get the slightest inclination that he does not or could not then you should cut your losses no matter how difficult and move on. Once you have come to that resolve maybe he'll feel differently and then seek you out, then you'll know for sure. The question is will he turn his life around completely for you? Being a homeless drunk is a hard gutter to climb out of, but with the right motivation we are all capable of miracles. To me the answer would be clear either way, just commiting to the final solution is the hard part.

Bridges Over Madison County going on here, kind of.


BTW, get over the guilt part, lifes to short to feel guilty about anything like this, believe me I live with the master of the guilt trip. Live for the moment, do for you, it doesn't sound like you have any kids to let down by a rift in your current relationship. I'm 40 and masturbate an average of 4 times a week, at 50 I expect I'll be doing the same, maybe 3 times week. So I highly doubt your husband is not seeking relief of some sort. Don't buy that "I'm not interested in sex story" It's just not with you, sorry to say that. I played that game with my first wife, now I regret it for what I put her through. I'm getting my pay back I guess. What goes around comes around.

Thanks 1lameduck...Makes sense to me. That's what I need--some insight from a male. As far as I know my husband is not physically able to have sex and does not show any interest in it with me or anyone else. One of my biggest problems is that I can't afford the financial cost of my "out of mind" spending for my friend. It is on a credit card and I am talking several thousand! I helped him get a place to live and back into his line of work. He is all set now and I am sick! He won't call because he doesn't want to cause any trouble--someone might check my cell phone,but tells me to call him anytime. Most of the time I do get him on the phone. He says he's not looking for a relationship/love,but if it happens it happens. He is not really a homeless drunk. I believe he was a victim of circumstance just as we all can be. He has a college education,several years of military service and many years in the same line of work. He's very intelligent. And I know all about alcohol addiction as I was raised by an alcoholic mother and was married to an alcoholic for 13 years. Torture! I have to go out of town for 2 days so I will check the board when I get back. Thanks to all who can help a bit.

When it comes to love and love obsessions, the age doesn't matter.

I just started reading "Women's Infidelity: Living in Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say "I'm Not Happy" by Michelle Langley (http://www.womensinfidelity.com)
.. not that it will give all the answers, but at least I got a better understanding on what's going on..

Few quotes from the book:
"PEA - pheylethylamine - the chemical in our brains which is released when we are attracted to someone. "The feeling experienced when PEA is triggered in the brain is similar to the feeling one would experience after snorting cocaine. PEA is a euphoria-inducing stimulant... Just thinking about a person can increase levels of PEA which is why we spend so much time fantasizing about the people we are attracted to...Our bodies build up a tolerance to PEA...as with drugs, PEA is addictive" BINGO!

"Particular behaviors lead to specific increases or 'shots' of certain chemicals in the brain. The 2 chemicals involved in the sensation we call 'love' are similar to cocaine and heroin...Living with someone or seeing someone regulary for a long time, causes the release of chemicals in our bodies...but it is comparable to getting regular shots of heroin or morphine."

Thanks...I am reading the book Women Who Love Too Much and gaining some insight about problem. I talked to my old therapist on Friday--haven't seen her in about 10 years. That helped. I am still talking on the phone with my "friend" and I want to see him very badly. My therapist said I was addicted to the excitement of him and bored with my husband. She said it was no wonder that I reacted as I did after living so long on a "deserted island". So I am trying to work this out. The feeling I have for my husband has taken a hit and right now I am experiencing anger about all the years of neglect. I feel he had a big part in my problem. Maybe I can survive this and move on in the right direction.