Serious trust and guilt issues- help!

Please please please bare with me on this lengthy story.....

Well, I am divorced from a 5-year marriage but have been in a relationship for 4 years now. For the most part it's great. I can't describe how well I think we are together. We've been through a lot, but something keeps us together. I'll start from the fallout of my marriage...

To make it short, we rushed into getting married because we got pregnant and our parents pushed us to get hitched...but deep down I knew it wasn't the right thing to do. Right after I had our son, my husband at the time did not help out, he took off to go hang out with his best friend, leaving me to suffer major PPD. Well, things just worsened as years passed and I tried to tell him I wanted to split up. But he wanted to try and work things out. After about a month, he went back to his same old habits (depression, withdrawal, and smoking pot a lot). I became really depressed as well...so much that I started questioning our marriage again...and I cheated on him. Which, of course, I still hold the guilt to this day. We divorced, and I then decided to move with my son.

I wasn't planning on having a relationship for quite a while, but I ended up meeting someone who was in the same stage I was and also had kids...except his fiance cheated on him. But, we hit it off and we've been together ever since (4 years as I've said earlier). I told him about what I had done in my marriage pretty much right when we started dating, because I was all about complete, upfront honesty from then on.

I know I hold this deep-down embedded guilt of what I have done in the past and fear of karma biting me in the ass at some point.
I guess besides my insecurity, I've had a heightened state of awareness when it comes to someone wronging me.

My boyfriend is a bartender, so taken the fact of the environment he works in, there's that chance of insecurity for the other half. Right around the time that my boyfriend had told me he loved me for the first time and also moved in with me (he needed a place anyway), I had landed upon one of his Myspace Friends, a girl, who he was posting smitten and very complimenting comments on her page/pics. Luckily she lived in AUS, but still that was the instant my insecurity blew out of proportion. At first he denied it...which was absolute BS. He finally said what happened is that he would come home after work, get wasted, then end up saying things on her Myspace that he honestly didn't remember saying. So, whatever, I was still pissed and at that point thought that I was due for my karma. He, of course, has had an ongoing drinking problem- sometimes to the point where I couldn't find him, couldn't get a hold of him, and he came home hours after he said he would. There was even one time where he took off from a place we were at and ended up at some house party without telling me and I was locked out of our apt. I was always unsure of what he was really doing when we weren't together- especially when he was drinking. He would go drinking when he said he wouldn't or when he said he was just running to the store and would ALWAYS deny it which pissed me off even more. Afterall, he was driving MY car. But I really started gaining trust in him again...until....

About 5 months ago, when he was working his 2nd job at the pub close to our house one sat. night, he was closing with another bartender...a girl whom I had always had a weird feeling about. Well, after me sending a couple txts back & forth with him right after closing, the communication on his part stopped. I could not get a hold of him for the life of me. It was past 4am and I knew something was up. I race there to see him, her, and some other dude in there with the lights off, music blasting, then after me pounding on the windows letting them know I was there, he and the girl start dancing. And I mean- her back toward him, bump-n-grind style. They didn't hear or see me at first, but I thought that they were doing that to me on purpose. They finally open the door and they are both wasted. Well, actually my bf was, but the girl seemed completely coherent, which made me think my gut instinct about her was right. To me, what I saw, it was cheating enough. I also thought, if I didn't show up when I did, what more could have happened??? He was SOOOO wasted he didn't know what he did. His dad ended up coming over and talking to us, but there was really no point because he was so obliterated. Anyway, I thought sure that would be the end of our relationship. But he burst out in tears, like he has a few times before, about the guilt he feels of mistakes he's made in his younger years with not being there for his daughters, etc. Well, pretty much right after that we both quit drinking. I know he hasn't touched any, because I know how he looks and acts when he has even had a couple. Besides we've been too busy and broke to drink. I'm honestly scared of having a drink because I don't want these feelings to resurface and I don't want something to happen again.

The thing is, even though he's done hurtful things that still felt like he was cheating on me, I know (and he has shown me in his eyes and with his words) that he hasn't actually cheated on me. But I feel so much pain. So, it's a combination of my own guilt and shame, insecurity from what my bf has done in the past, that I just simply can't let go. I've become paranoid and irrational and I freak out about anything to do with another girl in his life. He gets very upset when I assume something or if I question him. I know he loves me, but what really makes me not able to trust him is that even with other things he will say one thing and do another. Even small things. He changes his mind- which makes sense, a lot of bartenders are flaky because they develop a habit of being patrons' buddies just to make good tips. They 'flirt' and have a strong charasmatic way about them. He is also very compassionate and sympathetic towards others and always wants to be the good guy and help out. Well, I see that habit is carried over at home in a negative way. It's basically like- he can't say exactly how he feels at that moment because he thinks I might get upset or be offended. If he wants me to be able to trust him again, he needs to be straightforward and honest with me about everything and not beat around the bush or be vague.

Trust me, I've told him how I feel about everything over and over again- and even though he says he understands, he still keeps 'changing his mind' about things. I even said to him one time- "If you change your mind about something so small, it makes me wonder if you'll change your mind about me."

Like I said, especially since I've pulled the cheating card, I can smell that kind of rat from a mile away. But I truly feel my bf is honest and committed when it comes to us. Everytime we would get into an argument about trust and such, and I would question his faithfulness toward me, he would ALWAYS tell me that I am the first girl he has never cheated on...and I do take that to heart. but I don't think he realizes that his charasmatic and compassionate persona can be taken the wrong way by me or any girl. And that can lead to huge danger zones....especially when drinking. But we haven't touched a drop of alcohol since the incident at the pub 5 months ago, (part of it had to do with some dermatology meds he was taking which alcohol was a no-no to combine with), but he talks about having drinks again. Like, a glass of wine one night, or having some mojitos with vodka he got from the liquor rep....but it still scares me.

I honestly want him to get past his psychological habits and deal with his pains that he's held onto....but I also need to heal myself. And that's why I'm here. Because I know I can only help myself. I need the confidence and strength to overcome my issues. I feel that I have slumped into a psycho depressed phase and I am stuck. I hope anyone here has been able to take in my lengthy story and give me any input and suggestions. Thank you.

Heya,

If you want things to get better here, then the current 'cycle' has to change. At the moment, you're both on a somewhat destructive life path, so, you have to get off that path and take a different one. You must find a connection somehow with your partner, that's if you still want to be with him in the long term (do you?). Basically, he's going to have to admit to having a problem, but to also then seek treatment/help for it. If this doesn't happen, then nothing may ever change for you both.

Plus, you seem to feel that you are the one to blame for most of this - Please don't be my friend. If anything, you are 100% innocent here and are a victim of this guy. Maybe 'victim' is the wrong word, but you are certainly the one who's mood has dipped the most in it.

I'm also getting the feeling and please don't hate me fir saying this) that you don't stand up for yourself, and have never really done so. Don't you want to be independent and to make your own decisions? Saying 'no' to people can be VERY liberating.

Take care,
Kevin

Hi Chucky,

Thanks so much for your input.

I did say that he voluntarily quit drinking over 4 months ago-neither of us have had a drop since. I am extremely proud of him for doing that and I made sure I would do my part by not drinking and letting him know that I don't want either of us to drink again, even though the temptation is there. I'm just scared that if we were to drink, that it could fall back into the same pattern again and he knows that and feels the same way, though he still mentions to one day having a glass of wine or vodka cran with me again.

He is really taking responsibility for his health and finances as well, paying off old bills and taking care of neglected health issues over the past few years.

So there is huge progression. But the underlying emotional baggage that he carries gets bottled up and then takes it out on me and my son. Not like verbal or physical abuse, but just negativity and making us feel like we're not doing good enough. (No name calling or saying flat out that we're not doing good enough.) He just doesn't know how to express himself well, communicate positively or clearly, or think of my feelings when he gets wrapped up in work, school, etc. He takes his stress and creates it for all of us, not taking into consideration the effects on other people.

He has told me of his issues- the major factor is that his 2 daughters had moved away (quite a few states away) a little less than a year after we met and he was getting out of his partying phase and trying to spend more time with them. He's feeling extreme guilt and helplessness. Even though they moved closer, they are still out of state and it's so hard on him to have them not be around like he wants.

He has told me over and over that he is glad I came into his life when I did and that he needs someone like me to put their foot down and add stability to his life.

Trust me, even though I seem weak, I am very strong and know how to put my foot down (obviously by the transition we have made together). But, in a way, yes I am not independent. I could have kicked him out a long time ago, I've tried, but I couldn't. There's that unexplanable tug at my heart that tells me he's the one for me. But that I know that it wouldn't be easy. I will tell you though that when 'the last straw' of him drinking came about last year, he knew I meant business when I said he was gone for good if he didn't shape up. For some reason, he made a sound decision to do what he needed to do- for himself, for me, for us, for my son, and for his girls. Something finally snapped in him.

But I just don't know how or when he will actually be able to open up, be true to his word, and have us feel closer. I know we can get there. And I think the bartending industry does not help him and I cannot wait for the day he is out of it. But as long as he's not drinking I can deal with it as it's our only means of income while we are both going to school and he is getting back into his #1 career and passion, the medical field, which he used to do but quit for personal reasons.

I am truly proud of him for making such a change in his life over the years of being with him, and I remind him of that every chance I get. But there are a lot of times where I seemly don't feel like telling him because of his negativity and closed heart. It's very hard for him to express his thoughts and feelings, and also when he does that he becomes flaky, can't make up his mind, therefore leading to confusion and distrust on my part. I know he's not like how he used to be but the pain of the past I still carry and I don't know how to shake it. Like I said, it's that part of me- that guilt from cheating on my ex- that's trapped. Therefore it's almost like I'm waiting for karma to hit me. I thought I would have let it go by showing my sincere apology and pain to my ex....I guess I believe in karma too much.

Even though his issues have a lot to do with my emotions, I shouldn't just be talking about him. All I really want to do is know that what I feel is normal, but at the same time....finding a way to get over it.

I want a real relationship - like my parents who have been together for over 40 years. I told myself that I will never give up in a relationship again unless it comes to addiction (and the person doesn't want to help themselves) or cheating. And to see us come this far gives me ultimate hope- but it's still a struggle to get past all of the barriers.

Ideally, I would love for us to go to counseling together but I've brought it up before and he pretty much seems against it. So I can't force him to, but I know I should. I just don't have insurance or a whole lot of $ right now.

Each day I really try to focus on just being true to myself and not getting too worked up by his negativity....but it's hard. Just when I think things are going well, he lashes out about something. Even if it's something small that he takes out on me...like taking too long or not remembering something he said 2 days ago. And he gets frustrated with me and tries to make me feel guilty for assuming or feeling like he's hurting me again when he does things that seem fishy and then it just stirs up the hurt from the past. But he has been able to prove me wrong. It's just hard to not feel that way when he's denied things and lied in the past.

I've always been the person to not cave or let someone walk all over me. But I've held that torch up so high that I'm setting things on fire...if you know what I mean. I fight fire with fire, I guess...so I won't get burned.

Does all of that make sense?

Hi,

All of this does make sense to me, despite the fact that I have never ben married myself. However, I have analysed relationships between different people, and between myself and others. Look, if he is glad/happy to have you in is life, then he should be willing to make you happy as a person, right? Have you made it clear to him that he is kind of wearing away at your morale? All it can take - sometimes - is for the 'victim' to speak up in order for the 'bully' to know how much they are hurting someone.

I think that he should see a counsellor, and I firmly believe that this will help the relationship. He has to be willing to go thuogh, and even then he has to be completely open about talking to the counsellor.

Kevin

I confronted him yet again the other night, the basketcase of me came out. But this time I think I struck an unheard note with him. He told me that all of this change- him going to school, working a lot, and being the only one supporting us financially right now (which he agreed to) has taken a mental toll on him. He is constantly in a thinking, worrying, planning mode. He has never done anything like this before, so I can understand it's overwhelming for him and I let him know that. I told him how much I respect him for doing all of this, and that I am nothing but here for him. Any anxiety or stress he has, he needs to talk about it before he lashes out in other ways. And he really needs to get a planner (not just his phone as he uses now) so that he can see EVERYTHING right in front of him. He handles some management and training at the bar and is soon taking on more shifts at their new location. Since the other night he's been better but there have been moments where I remind him that he's getting aggitated and taking it out on me. He has been quick to catch himself and apologize. In a way, it's helping him step out and see how he's acting. From what I've seen and overheard, he's been very uptight and impatient with others moreso lately- like people at work, other drivers, etc. So I know it's not just me and my son he's taking it out on, but I am trying to let him know that there needs to be a way to release this stress in a healthy way so that it doesn't cause eruptions.

Thank you for your input and advice...counseling may be the next step if we can't get over this hump. I am only hoping that when he starts working more that he will be okay. He says he will be because he won't be thinking about training, prepping, and he'll be making more $. So hopefully things will get better and he finds a way to manage his stress.

It was just really good to get off my chest so I can think more clearly.

MzElle wrote:It was just really good to get off my chest so I can think more clearly.

Above all else, i believe that is why most people come to this website - i.e. to get stuff off their chest. Upon reading your last message, however, it struck me how similar your husband and I sound. He is busy - yes - but so am I, and I know that this means I have less tolerance/acceptability for other things. It also means that you have to 'think on your feet', which can sometimes come across as being angry or mean.

Things seem much better though... ...the tone I got from reading your last message was much more bright than the dark tone of your first message here.

Kevin

Well, it comes and goes. The way I feel, his demeanor and attitude....last night was a rough one again. I just get really short-fused and emotional when he gets snappy with me or my son. I can understand that people sometimes are so emotionally stressed that they get snippy but he tends to be pretty constant. Last night he was really snippy with my son and trying to take charge of any discipline with him. I've told him over and over again that I'm the parent, I need to be in charge of discipline, scolding, etc. He knows my boundaries of discipline and that I am not harsh but when I need to be. He feels that since he was raised with harshness that I am too lenient with my son. I have told him he is only a 9 yr old boy. I try to let him be a kid but knowing when to be stern and put my foot down. But my boyfriend is harsh right away. Basically talking to my son most of the time like he should be doing everything right the first time. I've talked to other parents who have a boy the same age and they confirmed that it's normal behaviour for a little boy at this age to not listen, focus, or even talk back. Of course I don't tolerate talking back, but I am not going to ridicule him everytime he forgets something unless I sternly remind him for the 5th time and show him that I am upset that he didn't do what I asked him to do several times. It's been 4 years being together and I would have hoped by now that my boyfriend would have a better bond with my son. My son does adore him, but I am not seeing my boyfriend volunteer to spend time with him much. Especially lately with him being so busy. But to me that's not an excuse. When he's here and not cooking or doing homework, he has the time to spend with him. But then I initiate playing a game or something and my boyfriend (most of the time) doesn't act at all enthused.

When I confront him about how I feel (that he's being really snippy), he gets defensive and doesn't look me in the eye. After a while of either arguing or me just crying, he will come up and hug me and apologize. But it keeps happening. I told him last night (like I have before) that I am sick of this circle and that it will just happen again.

I know he's got hangups and issues from his childhood, he's told me somewhat about them...but he hasn't let it go. He hasn't let a lot go. I wish I could tell him that he should just confront the people he has grudges for and it would be such a release. He needs to do this, but I can't tell him this, being his girlfriend especially. It's his choice.

I have issues, too, but I've spilled myself completely to him of everything yet he doesn't understand that what he has done in the past or does now affects that or stirs things up for me.

Ugh....I can't wait anymore to see a therapist. We're...I mean I am searching for a good place that's inexpensive because his insurance doesn't cover it and I don't have insurance right now. He hesitates with going, but he knows that I know it's the only thing that will help us at this point. And I know we can work through things if we fully try. But we need someone in the middle.