Shutdown mode

A little background: I am madly in love with a wonderful man who has AS. This is new to me so I am trying to learn as much as I can. All my posts will likely be random questions just to gain more insight and perspective.

My bf and I got into an extreme circumstance where he got his emotions confused and I ended up saying something hurtful.

Now he had told me numerous times that when he feels too many emotions he goes in to shutdown mode and attempts to sort through all his emotions logically.

My words were so hurtful that he has done just that. I know that I can not take back what I said and I will forever regret using such a sharp tongue with him.

My questions are: Have any of you ever experienced "shut down"mode and what is like for you?

I know that in time he and I will work through it. But he is not able to describe what this shut down mode is like for him. I just sit and wait for him to regain his emotions. I would like to know if anyone can help me understand what he is going through right now.

Hi,

I have AS and I know what he means by 'shutdown'. Basically, it means that he wants some time alone so that he can analyse what went wrong in the situation that you described. Having AS means that we are more sensitive to things around us, which can often stress us out. Thus, he needs as much peace and quiet as possible.

While saying this, it is not fair that you do not understand what he's doing and have resorted to coming here to find out. As such, you should encourage him to explain to you why he does thios, because you hate being 'left in the dark' about it.

Kevin

I just wanted to say thank you for your post. My bf suspects that he has AS, many times he shuts down as well. I normally take it as his being stubborn and not wanting to express his feelings to me. This makes me angry and then causes me to shut down. If he indeed does have AS, it would explain alot. I agree with Chucky when he said...

it is not fair that you do not understand what he's doing and have resorted to coming here to find out. As such, you should encourage him to explain to you why he does thios, because you hate being 'left in the dark' about it.

It is alot easier to cope with a situation when you truly understand what is happening. I am quite a sensitive person and I tend to take things very personally (I have my own set of issues I'm working through as well!), even when my bf insists that some of the things he says (sometimes he explains his feelings in a cold manner or in a way that sounds nothing like the way he is actually feeling) and does are not directed towards me to hurt me.
Thanks again for this post, it gives me a little insight into what could possibly be going on in my own relationship.

I appreciate both of your responses.

I do understand that I should be asking him all these questions. He is very open to telling me anything I ask and he has explained this to me before. When this one finally completes I will certainly make a point to sit down with him and talk to him about giving me more detail about what is going on. I remember talking about this with him and I just do not understand it completely. I do not understand how it can take days at a time. I know that it does not mean he does not care for me when he needs this time... it is just difficult for me to understand. It seems this should be a much quicker process if it is analyzing. I know most likely it is just because I am not within the same mind set as he and I will likely never FULLY relate to what he goes through. But I love him dearly and learning as much as I can about him is the best thing I can do for our relationship.

I just thought that maybe having an outer perspective may be helpful to me. I am a detail orientated sort of data gathering person. I collect as much data as I can so that I can accurately process it and create some valid information. Comes with being a mathematician quite possibly. LOL

Thank you both for the information you both provided. Maybe it is just as simple as that. Maybe I am over analyzing the situation. Maybe I am expecting more complexity when it is purely simple taken his time to analyze.

Any additional information would be appreciated also.

Hi,

I don't feel like I have much more to say because you seem to have a definite plan in place now, and one that has great potential to work. Yes, all we must do now is wait to see how this situation develops. you and he should be okay.

take care,
Kevin