MY BOYFRIEND SEEMS OBSESSED WITH ME - UPDATE ADVICE REQUIRED

I posted a few months ago re a new boyfriend who was constantly texting and phoning me and am seeking advice re our break up.

Having agreed to set times to phone and text which initially seemed to work things quickly slipped back and obviously led to frequent arguments.

We would meet up twice a week on a Wed evening and I would go over to his house and spend the day with him and each evening on return from work I would ring him and speak for 30-45 mins.

I was happy for him to text me in between as long as it was not excessive texting (20-30 texts per day I was experiencing at the start). However he was not happy with this and would send texts within minutes of me putting down the phone to him. I would have to text him when I had had my dinner, when I had had my shower and also before bed as if I did not do so then I would have missed several texts which would leave him in a state and accusing me of ignoring him. I would keep him informed of all my appointments whether it be doctors, hairdressers etc so that he would not get distressed at my not replying to texts however he started to text me during times that I would not be available and by the time I was available I would have several messages on my phone and also messages from my parents that he had called the house and told them that I was ignoring him.

In the most recent incident I questioned him as to why he felt the need to call me when he knew I would not be available to which he replied that as his girlfriend he expected me to have my phone permanently switched on to take his calls and respond to texts whenever he needed to call me and in not doing so somebody who wasn't as understanding about such things would think it suspicious that I turned my phone off at all and think that I was up to no good. But that was not him as he was understanding.

After the conversation I was very upset, particularly as this was followed up by various texts along the lines of I was to have a very good long think about my behaviour and being a proper girlfriend and when I had thought about it I would realise that he had my best interest at heart and he would be ready to take my call and accept my apology.

I also had texts where he had cut and paste messages I had sent to him thanking him for flowers and gifts, presumably to remind me all he had done for me and that I should apologise.

This has been going on for 6 months now, I am starting to feel ill with the stress and worry and getting very anxious when my phone rings.

After sending me a text on Sunday dumping me for being such a bad girlfriend and not apologising to him I received a text yesterday asking me to call him which I did. As usual I did not manage to get a word in edgeways, he had been thinking about things and decided that the best thing all round was for me to agree to have my phone permanently switched on, that way there was no need to split up. I was told to think about it and when I was ready to agree he would be waiting for my text.

I rang in the evening to say I found his behaviour very controlling and did not understand it all, his response was that I would not understand it because I was not a proper girlfriend and so there was nothing more to say it was over. We then arranged for me to go over on Saturday with some things I have of his at my house and he would sort out anything that was mine at his, though he did not want to see me, his landlord would have the things ready. This conversation unlike the others was very friendly, he sounded like he was on a real high and was ecstatic over the way things had turned out. It was a very strange reaction.

There have been other behaviors in him that have not seemed normal. He will mutter comments to strangers in the street and then get very wound up when he doesn't get a response, he stares at children, something which I have found very embarrassing on many occasions and have asked him to stop. He will only go one route anywhere and that is the route he knows rather than a quicker route so going anywhere for the day is time consuming. Somebody suggested to me austism but I have no idea what that is. His behaviour is very childlike and after making bizarre comments to family and friends when I ask him what he meant by certain things he has said he explains it in very simplified as you would expect a child to.

The advice I am now seeking is how to handle him in the future. Obviously I need to visit his house on Saturday. Due to the volume of contact I have had with him over the six months it does seem too easy and although he was ecstatic over the phone I am not sure that I have heard the end of it.

Obviously I do care for him a great deal but it has been suggested to me that this isn't genuine affection, instead he has lavished so much attention on me in order to gain psychological control or make me dependant on him for emotional support that I am mistaking it for love. Tonight is the first night that I have not had a communication from him in two hours and it does feel very strange and I am feeling kind of empty and sense of loss, but I am also conscious of the fact that this may be part of a plan on his part to agree to terms of the relationship that are not acceptable to me and which give him the control he seems to need.

Sorry for the long story but I am feeling very tearful and worried and am unable to sleep at the moment. I just want things to get back to normal and will appreciate any advice.

Hi,

I suspect also that this isn't genuine affection. He is treating you as an obsession, and obsession that he must control. It would be wise to get out of this while you can. His problems are his own and if he wants help then he can go to his doctor. What you should do is change your email and phone number and never reply to him again if he manages to contact you somehow. Don't even read what he has to say - just delete it straight-away. This situation could potentially become dangerous, and you should just get out ASAP.

Kevin

I'd say I would find this type of obsessiveness very bad in anyone.
He wants control over you and you aren't his property. He should be glad that you give him time--period.

He is not entitled to it whenever he wants, some of it is supposed to be for you.

I defer to Chucky here, i'd end this situation quickly.

Just think to the future too: If you and he stay together, what on Earth is he going to be like in the future? He already has a finger wrapped around you, don't let it be his entire hand.

Kevin

Thank you for your responses, I have known for some time that I needed to get out but was unsure of the best way of doing it. I thought I could help him but unfortunately despite trying to explain it in a variety of ways, I come up against a brick wall every time.

He does not recognise that there is anything wrong with his behaviour, instead he has a very simplistic view on things. There are good people and bad people, he is a good person. All the other people out there are bad people. I could be a good person but I need to rectify this one teeny weeny small thing, I would then be perfect in every respect and we could put all this behind us and be happy. I am perfect in every other way but because of my stubborness I am a bad person.

His description of his past relationship bears startling similarities to this one. His ex girlfriend did not return his texts and phone calls. She was a bad person and because of that he had to end the relationship. Incidentally he ended the relationship with her on the day that I agreed to go out with him, though I did not find this out until much later. He later told me that he has been kind of seeing her but she was not worthy of him and when he met me he ended it properly because she was bad and I was good.

When I learned of this I did manage to put out of my mind any worries that I might in some way have provoked his current state and that I was in some way responsible. I do now think that he may have been this way for some time.

It also transpired over the weekend that he has been taping all telephone conversations with me on his mobile. When his mobile rang a cold chill went down my spine to hear my voice chatting away about some event that happened some time ago. After initially saying he had put that conversation as his ringtone because he liked the sound of my voice he then said he had done it as a joke and after expressing to him that I did not find it funny, it was actually a very creepy thing to do and I don't know what he intended to do with them, he backtracked and said that he must have accidentally pressed a button, he had recorded telephone conversations but did not understand how it had happened, he would take the phone to the shop and ask them to sort it out. He has not sorted it out and now says he finds it comforting to listen to my voice as he misses me so much when we are apart.

Today is the first day that I have not received a communication from him and although relieved the silence is quite eerie. I felt quite anxious when I walked him from work and was constantly looking over my shoulder, I had envisaged that no communication might have been because he was intending to visit in person but thankfully that has not happened.

I am now looking forward to Saturday, getting stuff returned to him and after that I can change my phone and do everything I can to ensure that no communications get through. I think it is natural that I am going to quite anxious when going out but all I can really do is be alert and try not to put myself into a situation where I may face him alone. This week I have varied my train times and taken a different route home each day just in case.

Thanks once again to everyone who has responded, now I have a bit of a strategy I feel a whole lot better, though I must say I would do anything for a good night's sleep! I will keep you posted.

No problem - I think that I speak for everyone when I say that we are glad to help you out. However, i'm now feeling slightly sorry for this guy because perhaps he has just never learned how to behave 'properly', if you get me. Of course, it's not up to you to show him the way, but I think that he could benefit a lot by going to a counsellor or therapist. If you suggested this to him, I doubt that he would even give it a second though though.

Hmm, just focus on your own life. you truly deserve better.

Kevin

Thank you once again for your advice. It is because of sympathy that I have stayed with him. Had I believed that his intent was in any way malicious I would not have put up with it. It was because I felt he couldn't help the way he behaves that I have not been able to break it off.

I don't think a discussion about a counsellor will work. He has an extremely short attention span and does not remember details of everyday events. When I am talking to him face to face his eyes will either dart from side to side as if he is distracted by something behind me, so he is not giving me direct eye contact or he will stare straight at me as if in a trance, so again I get the impression that he is not taking in anything I am saying.

I think what is most likely to happen is he will transfer his obsession onto another person. Dismiss me as unworthy and seek out somebody who is worthy. I will then be referred to as the bad girlfriend who abandoned him just as others have done, just as his mother did when he was put in the home, just as his wife did when she had the affairs, just as other girlfriends have done etc etc.

The whole pattern will then be repeated with somebody else.

You're not thinking about giving him another chance, are you?; or wwere you just saying that that's why you gave him second chances in the past? Whatever the case, it is unfortunate that whenever you and he part, that he will then just 'transfer' his behaviour onto another person, like you said. Again, however, it's not up to you to look after him anymore. Run free!

No it is definately over, I gave him chances in the past because I felt sorry for him and thought I could perhaps help him but I really have exhausted all options and achieved nothing.

If he chooses to speak to me on Saturday this will be made clear to him, if not I will speak to his landlord (who he has lived with for 20+ years and who he is close to). His landlord is an elderly gentleman, has done alot for him in the past, took him in when he was homeless and regards him as a son. He is a very sweet man and I am sure that he will be disappointed with the situation but eager to get the thing done swiftly. The one good thing is that he is not alone and he does have somebody close to him to speak to, if he needs it.

Today has been text and phone call free as yesterday which is good news. I am expecting a call or text tomorrow, he will probably be restless about times as no specific time was given for me to go over. If no call is received I will send a text confirming a time.

Will keep you posted.

Hi again,

Why do you need to talk to him on Saturday (or thereafter)? I thought that you had already informed him of what you're doing. Either way, just get it over and done with and then never look back. he will no doubt try to contact you repeateduly but you will just have to hold your resolve and not reply to - or even read - his messages.

Good luck,
Kevin