Married to an ex-soldier who thrives on anger

I'm 26 years old, and am a few days shy of being married for 2 years. I work a full time job, taking a semester off from my photography studies, and am very family orientated.

I've known my husband since I was 13, as he was my first boyfriend in Junior High. We broke up once I relocated to a new city for High School. Years passed, though we kept in contact, through telephone and email. He joined into the US Army and was stationed overseas for a few years in a non-combat area. During this time, we reunited while he was on leave in the US. A relationship arose during this short period of time, and a marriage soon followed months later, overseas at the US Embassy.

Married, and 4-8 months into his deployment, his behavior began to alter and took a turn for the worse. He had bouts of paranoia, anger, imaginary thoughts of me being unfaithful. Despite my overly constant reassurance, and complete dedication, his paranoia still persisted. He was discharged honorably months later, with an early release.

I was living with my mother at the time, trying to save money, wanting to find a place with my husband together once he was discharged. He lived there with me for many months, completely free of charge . He enrolled in school, which he eventually dropped out of after a month or so, and would only look for jobs online, never stepping foot out on his own. A conflict between him and my mother pursued, his inability to respect her house, her ways, and her vehicle, led him to flee, giving me the "its me or her"... He insisted he wanted to move out into our own apartment or he was going to leave, but he had no job, no money, and no interviews. I had no way to support us both, which made me hesitant, noting I'm a person who tries to find reason in things, refusing to alter my situation if it's going to cause total financial stress, not only on myself, but with my spouse. His disrespecting ways and lack of appreciation towards my family and his inability to see that we might fall into a financial hole, made me question, but he was too persistant, and drove states away to be with his family, later claiming that it was just to "visit", despite his swiftness at unloading half our checking account with intentions of never coming back. Months later, he decided to return.

In the mean time, I found an apartment, signed the lease, and had it all ready to rent, despite my financial issues. I felt our relationship was worth the financial risk, so I jumped and fell really really hard. It took him over 6 months to find a job. He didn't want a job, here or there, he didn't want to do this kind of work or that. he was too specific. I on the other hand, work almost an hour from home, and I keep this job because it pays well.

The money I had away in savings slowly diminished, and my finances depleted. It was the first time in my life my checking account had been overdrawn. I felt so irresponsible.

Months later, the anger stated in the beginning has returned, and with a veingence. His moods drop on a dime, he lashes out at me, objects, the tv. The only emotion he has (nor knows how to receive) is anger, and its at extreme levels. He hits himself in the face sometimes, stares in the mirror many times of the day only saying how ugly he is. He dwells on physical ailments to the point of being a hypochondriac, and when he doesn't get his way, he pouts, throws tantrums, and calls it a night even if we're in the middle of dinner, or out with friends. He tries to find equality amongst us, but insists on still not doing anything, or his "equal" share. He works graveyard and I work days, we hardly see each other, and when we do, he's usually running off to bed. The sex has almost come to a stand still.... and a lot of the times he'll either take a really long time to ejaculate, or wont all together. There's no energy exerted from him to make this marriage work, and half the time, I feel he could care less about me, because he has a roof and a bed, and food to eat when I'm gone.

He has abused both drugs and alcohol, caffeine and fat burning pills, and high levels of headache packets, sometimes doing all at the same time. He tried to get into porn, locking himself in the bathroom to masterbate, and then leaving it in his car for me to see. His only hobby is video games, which he plays till his eyes bleed. He doesn't have any friends, and I think he prefers it that way. He has no goals: longterm or shortterm, and is afraid to imagine himself having children. He seems much better off when I'm at work, or better yet, without me completely.

Perhaps it's just my personality, or my desire to try my hardest to make the best of even the crappiest of things. My friends and loved ones look at me with that blank questionable look, wondering why I still try. I do because I love my husband. I come home to him every night, and do my best to make him feel wanted and loved, but I must be "loving" him in the wrong ways. I make dinner when I can, I supported us both when times called for it, and I still do, and am always there to the rescue when the world seems to crumble over his head. It isn't just about getting through the happy times, its about the bad as well. I try to make myself more attractive on a regular basis, and try alternate methods to liven the sexual atmosphere, but my husband always shoo's me off, or says he's tired. He only wants sex when he wants it, which is practically never. I toyed with the idea that he was having an affair, but that only brings more anger, and a conversation that never really starts nor ends, or ever gets resolved. I've settled with the fact that at least if there is something going on, at least I'm not home to witness it, and this thought process is terribly wrong.

I'm a huge talker, I think it's important to sort things out, to solve things. I can't go to bed at night unless I feel at peace with myself and my issues, which is why I'm probably still up right now writing you this. I have a very loving soul, a giving heart, and a helping hand, but I find that person diminishing over time, being with this man who calls himself my husband. I feel like I'm only becoming who he is.

I don't write this with the belief that I am faultless, or that my flaws are less important than his. I don't seek help with the notion that I won't need influence or guidance either. As his wife, I seek help because I believe that we can flourish because of it, that we can become better people, better spouses. We can become friends again.

I too have things I need to fix. I think I draw men in because I'm overly caring, and have a motherly nature. I don't know when to stop and back away. I like to find sense in most things, and want to talk when issues arise. I can have a patient ear, and a warm way of trying to help, but that is not for everyone. I don't know how to back off, to not care. My husband is real standoffish, shallow, introverted. I'm very much the opposite.

I recently started defending myself, which has only brought on more anger and recent episodes where he actually puts his hands on me in violent ways. I stay away from home after work longer, and he calls to see where I am. When I'm not home... he's like a little puppy dog, but when I am home, I'm a translucent wall. He doesn't take care of himself anymore, he's put on weight, eats unhealthy, doesn't shower on a regular basis like he used to. Wears dirty clothes, etc. His outlook on himself has slipped down the hole, but I don't think he cares. My compliments and positive advice come across as intruding. When I try to explain, I get yelled at.

To put in fewer words, I admired him when he was in the military, and I admire him now, but not in the same ways. He was proud of himself, as was I. He woke up each day with a purpose, and I felt that when I was in his precense. Now, he keeps to himself, doesn't talk much, and slams everything in his life, including me.

In the midst of the negative, there is the man here and there, that I initially fell in love with. I see glimpses of him, but when I find reasons to stay with him, I can only list a few. He cooks on occasion, does his half of the chores when he feels like it, and can be a complete joy to be with. Some days, I catch myself smiling like I used to, and for a second, I wish I could bottle it up and save it forever. But, the truth is that this is not reality. My husband is who he is, and I'm who I am. And as time goes on, we find ourselves seperating at the seams.

I waited it out, this long, because I knew our relationship was worth it, that he was worth it, and that I was worth it. In the end, I don't know what's really "worth it" anymore in this relationship. The more I give, the more he takes. If I just knew for a second that his anger, his aggressive, hurtful, mean, unloving, disrespectful side would turn a leaf and be just the slightest bit green.... I'd be here 1500% ready to take on all the challenges... but right now... I'm the only one standing.

I'm open to any feedback, suggestions, praise, negativity, anything. I know what I need to do, and know that my happiness is by far the most important thing, but I don't know how to tell my heart that.

With extensive research, I feel my husband may have a personality disorder. His eratic mood swings (which have prevailed for many months), anger, violent behavior towards me, increased sleep, dissatisfaction in own self and image, inability to find purpose or meaning in life, feels life is a waste of time...etc. It's like pulling teeth when the doctor word arises, and we still don't have insurance. I wouldn't even know the first step into sitting down and talking to him about this. Any suggestions?

I don't know, was your husband like this when you guys were kids? Its possible it could be post traumatic stress disorder, but I mean who really knows what it is. You said it was a non-combat area huh? Could be the drugs and alcohol, could be all of the above. What I do know is that its not your job to find out.

I think the reason that people do bad behavior like this is because they know that they can. Ithink you're at the point where you're fed up and really need to safely lay down an alternative. Try and see if your mother can give you a place to stay temporarily or try to find the safest way to get him out of the house, him putting his hands on you is both unwarranted and dangerous.

If you move out, it might be enough to snap him out of it and try to see the wrong he's done. No, you're not perfect but he knew you guys didn't have a choice but to live with your mother. He's put undue strain on you even tho he had no employment himself to help foot the bills if you guys got your own place.

I wouldn't try and sit down with him face to face personally but I don't know what his triggers towards violence are. Honestly sometimes people just don't know how to appreciate and take care of things until they're gone--that includes loved ones as well.