Unable

Ah, where to start... Well, I have a friend. An old friend, a close friend. The kind of friend you'd do anything for. Although my devotion to her runs deeper than that, unfortunately. I've been in love with her for what indeed feels like an eternity. In "real" time it's been a few years now. Ever since I was sixteen, actually. Well, I'm not sure if it was indeed genuine unconditional love then, but that's when I started having feelings for her. Anyway, at the moment, I'm a bit torn. You see, I live in Alaska, and she's had to travel out of state for all manner of reasons in recent years (including to be with her former fiancé). Suffice to say, I haven't seen her much. Along with that, she had a devoted relationship with a man who I've still never met, which recently ended in tears. Well, that cut through me pretty hard, even though I was as unyieldingly supportive as I could be.

I'm the kind of guy whose friendships are few, but very strong; I haven't made any new friends since I was thirteen. So, she knows how I feel. At least, I've told her before. I'm not sure if she still remembers, or suspects that I'm still in love with her. In any case, I've tried to get over this, for both our sakes. Sadly, it hasn't happened. I've tried meeting new people, seeing if I couldn't stir things up with someone else, but it just never goes anywhere. (I figure that's just bad luck on my part.)

The greatest misfortune in all of this is that I never told her until it was pointless to do so. She was in a relationship when I finally broke down and poured my soul out for her. (Granted, it was in an email; oh, how charming is that medium for meaningful discussion, I wonder...) It's simply by good fortune that I have the strength of will to never ask anything of her. I might have totally destroyed my friendship with her by now if I didn't...

Anyway, my main problem is this: She's home again; I can actually see her. I actually have the chance to talk about this with her, face to face for once. However, there's of course complications all over the place. As I mentioned before, she broke up with her fiancé a month ago. She's still hurt because of it, and I know the last thing she needs is to be burdened by my emotions, or even get involved with anyone. Though to complicate matters even further, she signed up for a six-year tour of service for the air force, and after the end of this year, she'll be leaving. She'll be gone once again, only this time I really don't know when I'm ever going to see her again. I stewed out my feelings for her a long time ago, never saying anything, hoping that they'd go away, only for it to result in indescribable grief. I don't want to make the same mistake twice, but I don't seem to have any other options. I just can't get over her. I honestly can't. I know it sounds like I've just decided to give up, but believe me, I've tried. I've tried as hard as I could, and yet this still won't go away.

So, that's it. I seem to have the role of that oh so charming cliché of a woman's male friend who's always there for her, watching her live her life and find romance, and comforting her when it falls apart, always hoping that one day she'll look up and realise that he's always been there unconditionally for her. The only difference? I'm not naive. I don't have that kind of hope. I know that sort of thing only happens in fanciful pop culture fairy-tales. Isn't it wonderful, being able to look at your life with a tedious sense of futility? Being able to see years, decades into your lifetime, knowing that you'll still regret that one moment of inaction...

Oh well, at least she's still my friend. To be honest, it's rather ungrateful that'd I want something more... Then again, it's only my feelings. I'm just one man, and as long as she's happy, I'll survive. Though I still can't help feeling like I don't know what to do.

Hey,

I think that they could probably make a good film out of this! ... ...but it needs an ending (a happy one, I hope). I just want to say firstly that I think it's great you at least recognise that she's vulnerable right now having 'just' broken-up with her fiancee. I mean, if you were any other guy, you'd probably jump right in there and complicate issues further by asking her out. But no, youare thinking about her feelings, and that's great.

I think that you should meet up with her and tell her that you are very fond of her and care for her, and wish to remain in close contact while she is away with the air-force. I know all about letting opportunities pass dude: I had a crush on a girl for 13 years and did nothing about it. She was my childhood sweetheart: Blonde hair, average height, soft voice, daughter to a rich jockey, etc. She was one of those girls you'd see hanging around horse-stables wearing big black boots and tight cream-coloured trousers!

Anyway, yeh, you might just have to let this pass for now while she goes to the air-force, but ensure that you at least let her know again that you deeply care for her; and that you will be here waiting for her when she gets back.

Kevin

I suppose you're right. I'm still hesitant to put anything forward, understandably. Though I guess at least reminding her that I'm always there for her wouldn't hurt. Although she's known that for a long time. Things probably won't change anyway; they haven't for years at this point. Alright, maybe I'm being a bit pessimistic... Nonetheless, it's her life, and I'm not going to interfere with that.

Heh, now if only she wouldn't insist on maintaining a totally full schedule right now so I could get some time alone with her. Oh well, it's the holiday season, and everyone's restless and under stress...

Yeh, isn't it strange that people are under stress during holiday season? With this lady, ultimately what you must do is make it clear to her that you like her, but do so in an indirect way. Telling her that you'll always be here for her is good enough but it's a bit of a misused phrase and could easily cause her to miss the point.

Well, she left to live as an indentured servant for her father out of state again... She didn't even tell me when she was leaving until the last minute, and even then that was due to the fact that I had actually managed to get her to answer her phone. A whole damned month went by and I didn't get any time to speak with her alone. Ugh... Why is it that people that I'm trying to get ahold of are always busy for some reason?

She won't be back again before she leaves for training. So much for a little "heart-to-heart". Ah well, if I'm lucky, I'll see her in a year when the military gives her the annual two days off for christmas or whatever manner of vacation time still exists in such institutions...

Hi again,

I really feel for you here because I'm having a love issue of my own right now. I won't go into it though, because this is your thread. You mentioned already that you told her how much you like her, didn't you; and that her reaction was 'bland'? I hate to say it but you should weigh up all of these things and come to the conclusion that perhaps she just doesn't like you in the way you want her too.

However, she may just be a head-strong and independent character, who wouldn't change her life-plans for anyone. Time is ticking though... ...so you should really consider gettig this 'show' on the road (i.e. - telling her)

Kevin

Well, she does understand how I feel. When I finally broke down and told her that first time, she was very sympathetic and rather touched that I was so considerate of her. She even once told me, quite literally, that she couldn't help but feel sorrow for the position I was in, and gratitude for how much love I'd really shown her.

Anyway, I managed to contact her after I'd gotten wind of how down she was feeling since she moved back to her father's and ask her what was wrong. Her response was a shock, to say the least... Basically she said that she couldn't bear to keep hurting me anymore; burdening me with her woes, as it were. It seemed that I had finally begun to alienate her somehow. After a few tears on my part, I insistently told her that she wasn't what hurt me. I was. Which, really, is true. We spoke for a while, and I assured her that I knew where my feelings were, that I knew what's going on, and that what I would do for her was what I wanted to do, and that I ask for nothing in return. Perhaps the most amazing thing of all of this is that she had attempted the same thing I had tried once: being cut off from one another. I sent her word that I didn't want to drive us apart painfully; something I truly believed would be inevitable at the time for people in my position. I felt terrible as soon as I had finished telling her. Only a day passed, but it felt like an eternity of agony. That I was actually trying to abandon a friend, let alone her, was just... I was broken. After a day in realisation of what I was doing, I explained it to her. She assured me that I couldn't ruin our friendship. She was still there. After that, she was still there. It didn't even seem to faze her. After all this time she's known, known that behind the way I'm her friend day by day, I have such deep feelings for her, and she's never had anything to offer in response but her sympathy and unwavering friendship. Oh god, I never thought that there was ever someone so understanding...

I know that I can't have her; that I can't ask her to be mine. I'm wise enough to know that the wounds she has do not heal so easily. I'd be an incredible emotional burden to her if we got involved now. All I can really do is wait and hope. I know she cares for me. Perhaps it's not anywhere near what I feel for her, but I know that our friendship is unbreakable. It may not be the best for me, but I honestly hope that she can find that someone who truly understands and appreciates what an incredible person she is, even if it isn't me.

So, aside from that, I've had horrible insomnia for almost a week and I'm about to collapse from exhaustion. I'm trying to figure out if I should go to bed or the hospital... Anyway, I hope you can work your problem out for the best, Chucky.

Hi again,

So, things have not been so great for you. These situations arise unfortunately, and they don't always wrk out the way we would like them too. Waiting around for something that you want but can't have is a recipe for disaster though. I don't want to tell you to just forget about her (because I know you won't), so, maybe you'll just have to sit tight and get on with your life.

Take a look at this situation: My eldest brother met his current girlfriend around 7 years ago, but they broke-up after a year I think. They got back together, however, around 2 years ago and are now engaged. My point is, people drift apart and come back together again depending on life circumstances.

Kevin

Yeah... Sometimes I wish we would just drift apart. Slowly; painlessly. All in all, I know that this isn't good for me. I can't just keep waiting for her and expect myself to live... Yet, I can't seem to let go. I can't even force myself to do what's best for me. It's pathetic.

I still don't know what to do. I don't even know what I really want to do...

So, you HAVE thought about moving on? Why don't you just flick that switch in your head and do it? Okay, it's obviously not as easy as it sounds, but you can get around to thinking this way if you give it enough thought each day. I had a crush on a girl for 13 years, you know that? I never did anything about it though and, ultimately, I just had to move on and forget about having a chance with her. I soon learned that there are equal and even better people out there. Don't let your world revolve around one person... ...that IS a recipe for disaster.

Kevin