What is she doing ? HPD or something else

For 1 year had a platonic relationship with a co worker she is a worker in my building where I am a manager I am 40. I noticed her trying to get my attention at times and I felt that there was some interest between us. I would never say anything nor would she. She is 30 years old from Latin America. Her parents divorced when she was 8. She came from a poor family , she had a child with a guy and later the father became physically abusive.
She left her country and her child and came to the USA where she has family. She met a guy had a child and he was in bed with another women. She is still with him but she was very depressed and devastated. She always wanted to leave him but had no options. Her friend told her I had problems with my marriage and I had interest in her as it appeared she had interest in me also. So for the second year we had a sort of friendship with feelings sort of speak not a physical relationship. I noticed the HPD traits but did not know what HPD was. She was always looking for affection and I thought it was due to her background. I believe she is not sexually promiscuous. She had told me she was depressed and felt like she was nothing, she is a very beautiful girl but just did not believe it. I had noticed at times she would flirt with guys, I know now it was to get attention from me but I thought she was being mean to me. What she wanted was for me to be closer to her but I would go further. I noticed her flirting with a new guy that came to work and when the guy believed he had a chance she dropped him stone cold. I could see now she might have been using him to get my attention. I feel like the more security she has in me the better she is in her house. For years she could not forget the other women but she has said to me that now she knows she is better then her , because of me. She has stated in the past that now she is happy because I am in her life or I changed her life. In the past she would be crying at work and was usually sad. I feel that the guy she is with has changed his attitude with her because he can sense her independence. I am starting to feel less important to her the happier she gets. She has told me that she knows that she is not nothing, because of me. I start going to the gym and so does she, different gym. I don't understand what this is. I know now that her attitude in the past was because she was mad I did not give her the attention she needs.

A few months ago she heard rumor that I had a girlfriend it was not true and she knew it. She started to believe it. She started hugging and flirting with John at work who is not attractive. The more she did this the further from her I went. I realize now she wanted to make me jealous or wanted attention.
I could not take it any more and told her we are just friends and no more talking of other topics. I then asked her if it was normal what she was doing and she said no, but it was nothing bad. A few weeks later I told her that I still had feeling for her and that I did not understand why she was playing with John she told me " you told me we are just friends". almost to punish me for saying that to her. I feel like she needs to see me sad and depressed.
Last February she told me we are just friends and she can not continue this with me. A week later she started crying and apoligized and asked what she could do. I told her we are OK.
Now I don't know if she really has no feelings for me or she needs to see me depressed like she was.



This is when the party started. Her HPD traits came out like you could not believe. Provocative talk and dress and excessive flirting with John. She was trying to get my attention in any means possible without leting me know. One day she was sad and asked if I still had feelings for her I said yes. The next day I think she felt as if i felt bigger then her and she started her atitude again, saying don't worry how I feel we are just friends.

When she felt I was not bothered she started an attitude with me. For example I would tell her that I called her over the weekend and I asked her why she did not call back she said with a attitude “its not like before“. She asked me where John was and I told her he was on vacation but I knew she already knew that. I also noticed she does not like it if I am happy with other coworkers male or female. Almost as if she can’t believe I am happy without my happiness being in her. I could not understand how she can have an attitude with me when I am so good to her. When she is around me she never shows her childish side but the moment I leave she starts playing like a child. Her friends say she is crazy and don't understand what happen to her, in regards to the flirting and provocative talk, that started up with a greater magnitude when I told her friends for now are better.

One day her friend was playing like a child and I left the area mad. Later on she was told that I could not stand the childlike behavior of her and her friend. I heard she went outside alone which she never does and I think she did not eat lunch. The next day she put herself where I might be. The next day she took off. The next day she put herself where I might be again. I talked to her but about work. She would call me and ask if I had called knowing that I call her with a private number. The only thing she wants is for me to think she has another guy calling her. I feel that she was sad thinking I have had it with her but she will not lead on to it. I could no longer take the attitude and told her I don't fell good with her playing with John. The next Monday she still had the attitude I finally told her I still have strong feelings for her. Well the playing stopped for 2 weeks and she was sweet as pie. I reassured her of my feelings and told her I understand her playing with John is no big thing and we discussed that a friendship this point is best. The next day she started up again with the whole HPD stuff. She is happy with me but it is almost she needs my permission or it is very important to her what I think. But she will not lead on that she needs me, maybe she does or maybe not.

I noticed something strange the other day I saw her looking at John talking to her friend I feel she did not like the attention going to her friend and not to her, this was the day she started flirting with him again.
I know she has no interest in him other then this strange game she is playing. I feel that she can not take attention going to anyone but her. 2 weeks ago a new guy started working. Last week she hugged him and her friends could not belive it. He is not the sort of guy she would be interested in. He is older and not good looking. I can't belive it either I am not jealous I just don't get it. Come to think of it the guys she plays with are not good looking almost as if she feels bad for them. When I am talking to her on the phone on the weekend she is very calm and sweet, when she is at work with her friends it is as if she is a diferent person.

If I ignore her she thinks I don’t like her, When her and I are OK she is happy almost too happy to the point she puts herself above me. She will not let me know why she is happy. This pattern is noticeable to one of her friends. Before all this started I knew she had strong feelings for me the way she went through many obstacles to be alone to talk with me for a few hours. I feel like I put her up on a pedestal and she forgets why her life changed, I don't get it. Is she dependant on me or maybe mad that she knows she is ? What does she want ?

bt1234r,

This girl is getting kicks out of the fact that she's messing with your mind, so you must make it apparent to her that you have absolutely no interest in her. Like, if your line of work doesn't automatically cross her line of work, then don't be going out of your way to see what she's up to. Effectively, regard her as being no part of your life at all. If you see that she's giving glances towards you, then just look away and get back to your own thing.

When I have ignored her in the past like you have said it seems to drive her crazy. I belive she has histrionic disorder to some degree.
Also she appears to be a coquette. The more I give in to her the more she feeds off of it. At this point all I want is a friendship with her because in the past we had something and I know at one time she was in love with me. But she will not give me the satisfaction of telling me I have worth to her. I have to ignore her, if she really needs me she will call. If not then it is clear she is playing with me.

Do you firmly believe that she is capable of maintaing the type of friendship that you are after? For her, a friendship might mean her getting her own way all of the time. That's how people like her think (I believe). If ever I encounter a person like her in my life, I know to just stay away from them or, if that's not possible, to keep them at an arm's length and never to tell them things about my personal life.

Kevin

She would call me and ask if I had called knowing that I call her with a private number. The only thing she wants is for me to think she has another guy calling her.

I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a bit and offer a different opinion, I think in this statement, whether its because she has you so strung she's making you paranoid or if its just because of how you respond to those types of situations, regardless it seems to me you were looking too deeply into it.

Whether histrionic or not, She asked if you called for one reason, because she wants your attention. Making you jealous, or having you think some other guy called are all secondary.

This girl has feelings for you, its hard to say if some of the traits are just histrionic or if its really HPD. I know because my long distance gf has some histrionic tendencies which is making me question my relationship with her. She did the same thing before we met in person, with other guys she was flirty with online. So did I.

But its not simply a HPD thing, its a make you jealous thing. I think its wise to look for other reasons for behavior, besides for a "personality disorder".

Time for reality, women are going to do things to make you mad, seem to friendly with other guys, get angry and yell, spend money out of your joint account, not have dinner ready by the time you get home and be petty. Just because they hug a tight pair of jeans well and fill out a top doesn't change that.

Not even religiously--culturally marriage which is the ultimate culmination of most relationships is the acceptance of flaws. Dating is picking and choosing which flaws you can live with.

The human condition is flawed beautifully so. When it becomes to the point where its affecting your overall life and the life of others i'd say its a personality disorder then and only then.

For me I know if my gf really has HPD, idk if I can be with her but you're not even in a relationship with this girl nor was your relationship with her ever defined. You need to either define this as a friendship worth having, or as a toxic relationship. If its toxic and you get nothing from it,

Heck, have you even tried confronting her by saying, "I don't like when you do this with John?" or even ask why?

This is not all on her, she's played games definitely. But you even told her without being pushed that you still had feelings for her SEVERAL times. Realize your part and that you both are playing games here.

I gues she is trying to make me jealous. The problem is when I am close to her she seems to take it all in without giving out. I feel she is trying to control me by reeling me in and then not returning the emotional support. I want to feel important also. For example I am her boss at work. Everyone knows she is the little princess. I don't mind it but she needs to make me feel important also. The other day she was on some kind of high about me I must have done something good for her. I was not at work but she did not know it. She called me to come to her work area to see her. I told her I was not at work. Anyway that night her friend calls me to tell me how happy my friend was and how she was talking and walking very happy at work. Great but I am not here just to make her happy. So I am thinking that she does not realize how important I am to her.
I need to lay low for a while to see how she reacts. I kind of like the whole boss/ princess thing it is kind of cute. Her job is being eliminated in two months, which see knows. Of course she thinks I will find her a job at a different place.

bt1234r wrote:I need to lay low for a while to see how she reacts. I kind of like the whole boss/ princess thing it is kind of cute. Her job is being eliminated in two months, which see knows. Of course she thinks I will find her a job at a different place.

... ...and are you going to find her a new job? I am getting the feeling here that you secretly 'enjoy' what is happening here... ...? I mean, you enjoy the relationship that you have with her, which is a non-professional type of one. However, it is in a professional setting and I suggest that you become more composed before higher management realise what is happening.