Unrequited

Yes, I seem to have returned once more with yet more grim tidings of the same predicament that has plagued me for what feels an immeasurable period of time. Alas, I do think I shan’t be remembered by present company, for such despondency is oft-considered something best to be disregarded or forgotten, a sentiment with which I can sympathise all too well…

Though, I do ramble on about nothing it seems. Where to begin…

Ah, love. Such a wonderfully blissful masochistic emotion that we are all, at one time or another, plagued with, is it not? However, what of us that already recognise the darker side of this poetic vexation inherent in our lives that I have finally realised is inescapable? What if, perchance, such a person was to be afflicted with this disease regardless of their cold, hard, sound logic? Would they renounce their claims and pursue potential happiness? On the other hand, would they simply cast aside such affections as nothing, and embark upon the insurmountable task of waiting for them to finally dissipate…

Oh, but woe betide those that have chosen the latter. How I do pity them thousandfold more than I would any other victim of inevitable heartbreak. Their dole is only exacerbated by the ugly, bitter fact that the wretched fate that they are afflicted with is ultimately of nobody’s fault but their own. I know all too well the belated unending pain of that decision, resounding throughout every day of one’s life that follows from that point onward.

Yes, that was my cutting, fatal error in judgement. For all my savvy, for all my intellect, for all my devices, I could not escape it, and in the faltering mental strength from my overwhelming affections, I took the path of a coward. I said nothing. I loved for so long, yet I remained the same taciturn fool that I now realise that I was. I feared that I might make her miserable had we gotten involved in a romance, and that I would lose a friend as well as the lover that I have never had. I also simply felt that “love” was a lie, as it were. Regardless, my justifications of the time are irrelevant. It was not until later that I finally realised what I truly had to do, that I had to tell her, but lo! My own inaction caused me to bear the foul brunt of my own ineffectuality! By that time, she was distanced from me; I had no way of speaking to her in person of the matter. Therefore, I waited. I waited with such irrational patience for that fabled “right moment” that everyone oh so mindlessly waits for until the end of time! In essence, I still did nothing. Then, with the changing seasons, I reaped the crop of that empty field that I had not sown when the time was ripe. The iron lay cold, unattended for, coated in rime, and only a madman would dare strike then. For you see, she had found love. She had found someone to love her. She had found what I could not be. She had found the happiness I yearned to give her. She had given the happiness I yearned to receive from her.

This is devastating to anyone who has to feel the almost glacial rejection and bitter failure borne of oneself’s own inadequacies of such things. The nerve-wracking pain truly began upon the day that I had learned she had found someone as special as herself. Time continued to move on as it does, albeit at such an excruciatingly slow pace. Finally, the sheer intensity of it all had taken its toll on me. I cared not if she would ever be mine in my moment of weakness, only that she would know the truth. For when would such old and dear friends hide such a secret from one another? I told her the truth, just so I could at least tell it to someone who mattered, so perhaps maybe we could both move on with our lives. Yet again, I acted with such naïveté. We said all that needed to be said, and she told me the logical thing, the thing that, in due course, would be good for both of us. That is no answer that anyone in such a position would ever want to hear.

Time still yet continued its slow, unyielding pace. Alas, time seems to have failed me. Its greatest function, the ability to heal, has been nowhere to be found. It is out of sight, and I still feel the pain after so long. The utterly mournful regret of my inaction is still all around me; it consumes me. She has long forgotten my confession, or perhaps believes that I have indeed gotten over my affections for her. I am so elatedly thankful of that. I could not have such a great friend, and such a wonderful woman, be caused to worry on my behalf. I’d sooner suffer all the vagaries of my hopeless situation until the unmaking of all things. She is in love. She is happy. She has found someone with whom she appears willing to spend and share her life. In spite of my feelings, I cannot disrupt something so precious, not of the old friend that I know and love so dearly. For her sake, I must remain silent; for her sake, I must cast aside my own feelings; and for her sake, I must endure. I would do anything to make her happy. I would throw away everything that I am to ensure she lives a long and rich life. I would die for her.

Ah, but I speak for so long about this. Don’t think for an instant that I haven’t tried to find solace, tried to find a way out of this beautifully torturous utopian hell forged from my own emotions. I have tried with all of my strength, with all of my designs, to shake free these fetters, and I have failed. My heart remains unfalteringly fixated on this love.

What do I hope to accomplish by writing this, you may ask. Well, I’m afraid that I seem to have forgotten. At first, I was trying to request advice, or insight, but now, I don’t know. Perhaps I just need to talk about it. Thus, I submit myself before you, as a lowly, obscure disciple of the great Dante Alighieri. Can a dedication to another who does not return such a feeling be followed as a true purpose in one’s life? Can love indeed be true without it being mutual? Or am I just another lonely, hopelessly romantic man who cannot let go…

Cute - but because it's a QA forum, your writing is irritating to read.

So I've just gone to your questions and will attempt to answer presently.

Love is 'impractical' if it's not mutual. It breeds stalking.

Find a suitable someone that loves you. Then love them back, a lot. That's it.

Unrequited love is for sissies. Sheesh.

Very often the narcissistic 'idealized' kind of loves that people concoct happen without even knowing the person, inside, at all. I'd abandon the poetic stance, the quest for an ideal, and just talk like a person, and try to view her as one too. It'll go a long way. And you might even find that she's not suitable for you and you can discard the needless verbiage. Or if she is suitable, and she likes you, then go ahead and whip out Byron or someone suitable if it floats your boat.

BRAVO!

My first impulse was to say "eschew obfurcation" or some other similar hackneyed cliche, However I must admit that the eloquence of your prose won me over.

In the words of Joker from the motion picture Batman: The Dark Night: "Why so serious?"

Sounds like you are in a difficult emotional predicament. I do not have a cure for you, but I do know what you need to do. You need to move on. You know this as well. Meet other women! Get Laid! You have to cut of this girl out of your soul like cancer. This girl is doing great and you need to take care of yourself. You do not deserve to sacrifice your life to misery and depression.

It took me and most of my friends years of dissapointment and heartache before we found someone to love. You need to get started on this journey now.

Right, I'm not entirely certain of what I've just done, but...

I've... Ended our friendship. Essentially I've severed all ties with her. It seemed like the least catastrophic thing to do... It was either desist interaction entirely or wait for me to completely ruin things between us with my eventual total breakdown and emotional nonsense...

I can't believe I've just turned my back on one of the only true friends I've ever had; the only person who's never failed to show me anything but kindness in my life...

Oh god, what the hell have I done...

Good for you! You did the right thing. Don't think that you are hurting her, or being unfair to her or any such nonsense. You did what needed to be done. The way you were going was unsustainable and you also had to be fair to yourself.

Next think you have to do is battle the inevitable depression. Good luck with that. I am offering my help and support if you need it. Do not hesitate to ask for help.

I did the "right thing" in not telling her how I felt. Look where that got me...

Excuse my pessimism; I've essentially told a very old and close friend to go ###$ off. Regardless of my pathetic emotions, she was my friend above all else. I know the end was undoubtedly inevitable, but... the bitter irony of how a decision I made so long ago in the interest of preserving friendship has now made it necessary to do the opposite rends me like a knife... It's just not fair!

My original assertions were correct all along. "Love" is nonsense. A lie. Just a literary element, and in reality nothing more than a vat of hormones coupled with these disgusting, backward notions called "moral obligations" to others, enforced by the inherent social nature of man. Well Fenrir and Jormungandr can take this world; I'm not playing its godforsaken game!

And I thought I was disdainfully cynical before... Now if you'll excuse me, I need to do some heavy drinking, stumble around in an angst-ridden episode of self-loathing, and go back to bed.

I am not supposed to write at work, but you might be in trouble. Please don't drink when depressed. Drinking could make things exponentially worse.

What you did before was out of cowardice, but now you are acting out of bravery. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! Next few months will he hard, but you have to bite the bullet and ride it out.

Also try and fight your depression. Try and think positively. Force yourself to do things. See a therapist if you need to. Establish contact with friends and family. Most importantly: DO NOT DRINK! It is not going to be easy. You can make it only slightly easier on your self by doing the right things, but you could also make things a lot harder by drinking.

As for love: it is what it is. It makes no more sense to criticize love than it makes sense to criticize the design of human hand.

Hang in there. You are doing the right thing.

Anarch Angel,

And I thought I was disdainfully cynical before... Now if you'll excuse me, I need to do some heavy drinking, stumble around in an angst-ridden episode of self-loathing, and go back to bed.

Yeah that'll do a lot of good.

I've essentially told a very old and close friend to go ###$ off.

I'm sorry but I can't make sense of this sentence. If she's a very close friend, and an old friend, how did the subject of love or more fond emotions between you both never come up before you expressed your feelings? I hope you didn't actually use those words.

Anyway, Dude, it's in the biological interest of women to keep many male friends, if they can pull it off. That way, they can 'choose' the best male they can get. It wasn't you, Dude. That's how it sometimes works. The problem is, when a woman makes a choice not to love a man, she might keep him around as a friend. There's security in it for her. It's 'secure' to know that if the alpha male she's chosen is unavailable, there's another male, maybe a beta male, to keep the fires burning. Thing is, while she's making male friends and waiting for a better looking or smarter male to come along, she has these male friends hanging in the wings 'waiting' for scraps of love to fall their way. It's selfish on her part. But so what? It's selfish on your part too! It's an admirable selfishness, but selfishness nonetheless.

If you want the friendship back...

If you want the friendship back, then apologize to her. Explain that you weren't honest with yourself and with her from the start. Explain that you didn't know yourself well enough to be clear in your mind about what the relationship with her was all about. I have found, over my 46 years, that the phrase "I was an a$$" goes a long way with women. It's worth saying even if you don't feel 100% responsible.

Then, make a commitment, publicly, to her and to yourself, that you won't ever breach the boundaries of friendship ever again, that you hope you both can double date in the future, and that she can always trust in your noble intentions to be only a friend, not a lover. Then, be honest and don't be an a$$ again.