Are these signs - is he not the one? Losing battle?

I have been seeing a guy for around a year and abit. It has always been an onn/off relationship. Difficulties due to cultural differences - he is Eastern European, I am British. He has a very traditional view on women's role - they should let man take lead in relationship and usually be in control, I should 'obey' him much of the time. He can be lovely and very sweet and in his own way does so much for me. However, lacks any real emotional support or understanding of me.

Before this relationship I was in a relationship with a guy from when I was 18 to 29. We had a great relationship, no arguments but in the end we became more like best friends and wanted different things from life. I moved to Eastern Europe he decided not to come.

Recently he has got married to someone else. This really effected me although difficult to explain actual emotions.

Me and current guy seem to be fine for 2 or 3 months and then hit a bad patch and have huge rows, usually over something stupid. The most recent arguments caused by me - one day we went out cycling and I just was in a bad mood with him for no real reason. Then we hardly speak for a while and then things explode and I get really angry. A week later I completely exploded over something I took as a criticism from him. He gets angry and threatens to end relationship, I become over emotional, crying, almost hysterical and find it hard to snap out of it. He eventually comforts me, tells me he loves me and we talk but then next day he will be cold and angry and call relationship off.

This pattern has been ongoing. Each time he says there is no point in the relationship, I cannot control my moods and anger, we are not compatible, he needs calm, relaxed girlfriend who does not try to control everything....I promise to try and changem get help and things are find for a while till next explosion.

Before latest explosion he wanted us to get more serious and live together. Or at least try it and see how we got on and if it did not work split up. I feel I am always living with threat of splitting up and am very insecure about it. Never used to be.

I guess my worry is that deep down maybe I realise we are not compatible but then I still have such intense feelings for him and do not want to lose him and be alone. Maybe it is the thought of being on my own again...but was one my own a year before I met him and was happy.

Just all so confusing......

How can i stop getting so easily annoyed with him, stop getting into moods for no reason, learn to communicate better with him....I have no real problem with him taking the leading role as such in the relationship but find it hard to relinquish control.

Help....going out of my mind.

Hi,

I think what would help you the most is trying to change your perspective a little on him. Right now he does have complete control over the relationship because he keeps threatening you with splitting up. He probably knows it affects you the way it does. If you concentrate on realistically assessing his good and bad points you can decide whether or not it's worth staying in the relationship. Tell him your terms and how you want to be treated. It's not only his decision. If he won't compromise then he doesn't care about you and he isn't good enough for you. Being compatible is about making sacrifices because you care about somebody. Don't change yourself without making sure he is putting just as much effort into pleasing you.

Good luck.

[quote="allveryconfusing"]I guess my worry is that deep down maybe I realise we are not compatible but then I still have such intense feelings for him and do not want to lose him and be alone. [/quote]

Hallo dear,

I think its more the emotional addiction to him than the fear of being alone. You seem to be a power woman , who needs a real strong person to carry her. If the person is kind of weaker, or not holding tight enough on the relationship its kind of obvious that soon or later it will fail.

Don't force yourself to keep on with a relationship, which makes you angry. This is also unfair towards him, because maybe both of you will be more happy with another person and you won't be stressed and angry anymore and he won't be shouted at anymore.

But for this, you first need to realize if you want to stay with him because of emotional addiction? If he was your perfect fit, things would be slightly different between you.

In this site its described that you need to know what you want from a partner, otherwise you won't be able to improve your relationship, though:
http://www.prosperity-inside.com/articles/Soul_Mate.asp

Take your time to distinguish between love, emotional addiction and other nuances of relationship. When you know what your really want from a person, who should be your partner, you will know what to tell him to change or what to expect from a future partner.