In Love with someone suffering from Mental Illness

Hello, everyone. I suppose it goes without saying that I need some serious advice, I'm very conflicted and not sure what to do. I'm in love with someone who's about nine years younger than me, and I've been in love with him for nearly three years. He has been aware of my feelings for him, and he has some strong feelings for me as well, but because of our age difference and because I complicate some of his life ambitions (he's bi, I'm a guy, and he's afraid a relationship could damage his reputation in politics/spheres of influence), he has been unwilling to pursue a romantic relationship with me.

Very recently, however, he decided that trying to be physically intimate with me might be worth pursuing, and, of course, I eagerly agreed. Three years of hopes and dreams culminated in two very enjoyable, intimate experiences. Then he took a brief trip to visit some other friends. I picked him up two days later, and suddenly he was in the midst of his first "acute psychotic episode". He would say contradictory things (excuse me for being graphic, but he would say "we're never having sex again" and then two seconds later say "I could suck your #@@&# right now."), his hands were all over me (normally he's very reserved, introverted), he put his hands around my throat and said he was going to kill me and then leaned in to kiss me the next second, he jerked his head off to one side periodically and kept asking questions in circles that made no sense and muttering "Finally" to himself before starting the loop over again. He started to think I was hired by the FBI or his mom to get close to him, and that I had a conspiracy going where I wanted him to go have sex with random strangers that we had just met. In short, he just completely lost touch with reality. Eventually I called his family for help, and they had him hospitalized. He is reportedly recovering slowly in the hospital, it's too far away for me to visit him so I don't know.

It's all left me wondering where do we go from here. Did /he/ make the decision to sleep with me, or was it the beginning of his psychosis asserting itself? Will he remember it? Did I cause this somehow? Would it be better for him if I disappeared for awhile, or does he need my support? Am I part of the problem or part of the solution? Is it even possible to have a romantic relationship with him someday, or would it be wrong to even consider it now, in light of his condition? Do I give him space, or do I show him support?

And one other thing, that keeps going through my head. Because I didn't know what else to do, I told his mom everything. And I mean EVERYTHING - his sexuality, our relationship, other people he's slept with, his drug/alcohol history, his most private thoughts. Everything, because I didn't know what might be needed to help him in therapy and what might not.

Did I do the right thing? And can he ever forgive me for that, even if I did?

Asuka wrote:You did absolutely nothing wrong from what you said. He sounds schizophrenic to be honest and calling his family for help was, in the long term, for his benefit. I mean there is mental illness(me) and their is MENTAL ILLNESS, sadly this guy falls in the latter categorary. Move on for your own sake.

I can't just move on. I'm in love with him. I've been in love with him for three years, and I've always known that he loves me too, he just felt like love wasn't enough but I always believed, still believe, that if I just held on long enough that he'd come around to me someday.

Of course, now that this illness has revealed itself, I don't know if he's even capable of that kind of relationship. :/ But I can't abandon him. Even if it's just as a friend, I have to be there for him, I have to do something to help, to show him that I'll never abandon him.

He's just worth it. To me, anyway.

Hey, totallyanonymousperson! You did the right thing when you told his family so they could get him help. Maybe you can go visit him once and see how he feels about you or seeing you again, even as a friend. You could talk to his family about it first, so you can find out if he's in any condition to talk with you. I don't think you are responsible for any of this, but maybe it would be better if you kept some stuff about his private life private, I don't know. It's ok to say anything that might help with his illness though and I think he'd understand.

jasmin wrote:Hey, totallyanonymousperson! You did the right thing when you told his family so they could get him help. Maybe you can go visit him once and see how he feels about you or seeing you again, even as a friend. You could talk to his family about it first, so you can find out if he's in any condition to talk with you. I don't think you are responsible for any of this, but maybe it would be better if you kept some stuff about his private life private, I don't know. It's ok to say anything that might help with his illness though and I think he'd understand.

He's been periodically asking for my phone number, his mom says she'll give it to him when she feels the time is right. Visiting would probably be too big a shock right now (I used to live very close, but I currently live some distance away, I'm afraid suddenly appearing might mess with him more than help him since he associates me with another state now). As for his private life, I haven't told anyone other than his mom about his /entire/ private life, I've told a couple of mutual friends about what happened between him and me but that's because of /my/ need for support, and I trust those people to refrain from mentioning to him that they know anything. It just strikes me as so painfully ironic that his biggest paranoia - that his friends and family had developed a conspiracy behind his back - is sort of coming true as we all band together to help him get through all of this.

Asuka wrote:I dont know being honest I think that sort of love is in itself a mental illness....

I'm certainly in no position to argue otherwise. It's an insidious one, though, one I'd never want to cure because the thought of being able to cast him aside makes me physically ill. It's not even attachment to him - I'm willing to let him go and never see him again, if that's what's best for him. But I can't do it for myself. He's more important to me than I am.

That said, I admit that I'm curious about how you got past feeling that way about that girl in your life.

Generally speaking, though... is a romantic relationship possible between a "normal" person and someone with schizophrenia? Would it be "fair"?

I hope she gives him your number soon and you get to talk to him and sort things out. You are a very caring person and he's lucky to have someone love him so much.

“I told his mom everything. And I mean EVERYTHING - his sexuality, our relationship, other people he's slept with, his drug/alcohol history, his most private thoughts.”
Personally I think what you did was wrong. If you were concerned about him all you had to do is tell his mother that his behaviour is making you concern for his emotional well being. You didn’t need to divulge personal details about his sex life and what not. If I were him I would never be able to trust you again.

“It's all left me wondering where do we go from here. Did /he/ make the decision to sleep with me, or was it the beginning of his psychosis asserting itself?”
In the early stages of psychosis people start to reveal their true self that they have been trying to keep hidden so he wouldn’t have slept with you if the desire wasn’t there in the first place

“Will he remember it?”
He probably will but the memory might be kind of haze like if someone had sex on LSD or something.

“Did I cause this somehow?”
No, nobody else can cause a psychosis, stress and isolation are the usual the main reasons.

“Would it be better for him if I disappeared for awhile, or does he need my support?”
Considering you were the one that told his mother all his sordid secrets it’s probably best just to make contact through e-mail or something to let him know how you feel and let him decided.”

“Am I part of the problem or part of the solution?”
Dunno

“Is it even possible to have a romantic relationship with him someday, or would it be wrong to even consider it now, in light of his condition?”
Yes it is possible to have a romantic relationship but best to take things slow.

“Generally speaking, though... is a romantic relationship possible between a "normal" person and someone with schizophrenia? Would it be "fair"?”
What makes you think he's schizophrenic just because someone has a psychosis doesn’t automatically make them schizophrenic. As regards to having a romantic relationship between a ‘normal’ person and someone who has experienced an mental illness being "fair", it might be a bit unfair for you because you might have to carry a lot of the relationships emotional burden and be the more stable/stronger/"bigger" person in the relationship.
IMHO