Difficulty showing affection and love and etc..

I have some kind of a problem. I am 24 and male. Let's take my little brother and sister. They are around 12/14 now, I have an okay relationship with them, always have a laugh and a joke and all that. One thing I cannot do however is hug them or show them any kind of affection. To me, it seems impossible. I just couldn't imagine it. I do beat them up, in a very nice playful way, don't get me wrong I don't hurt them, but they love it, and I sometimes think that that's my way of being affectionate towards them, but I don't know.

As for other people, like my mom, I wouldn't normally hug her unless I was going away for a long period or something like that, but even then the hug I give has no feeling in it. Let's say my cousins or my older sisters, on meeting them after a long period they might make an attempt to hug or kiss me, but I would never make the first move, and that's with anybody really. Although if someone is upset or crying, I can certainly put an arm around them and comfort them, I actually find this much easier than doing it any other way. I guess it's the done thing in that situation, it's okay to show affection, nobody will be surprised or offended or shocked. I think in that situation I feel like a "feeling junkie" I think I almost like it cause it's a a way to feel something for another person, or just "feel" regardless.

With sexual encounters I have had, there is no feeling, just lust, and I don't have a problem in getting close and personal, but it's not a "feeling" thing for me. I have only ever had sex with women I have had no feeling for. I haven't been in love.

I know that this is not normal behaviour, and I don't want to be a cold person incapable of showing affection, I am a warm person inside but I am afraid to show it for some reason or another. Obviously there must be a good reason for me to be this way, somewhere down the line something happened, what happened to make me this way is not something I am aware of but it would be interesting to know, although it's not essential that I know, I would be happy just to be rid of this awful problem I have. I feel that the longer this goes on, the worse it will get, or that it will seriously affect future intimate relationships I have.

Does anybody have an answers, or questions, or ideas, or anything? Feel free to ask questions of me if more info will help, nothing is too personal.

I think the fact that you seem concerned with your lack of affection towards others indicates that you definitely are a sensitive, normal, feeling person. I personally do not believe this is much cause for concern. Many people have difficulties being intimate. It requires some vulnerability. If it is something that truly bothers you, try to make an active effort to step outside of your comfort zone and be a little more demonstrative when the opportunity allows it. Just my two cents.

Hiii

I think this is ur serious problem but if u take some effective actions on it u can solve ur problem.

First thing is that u r telling that u cant feel love, its ok.. may be u need love of someone..May be u r getting love from ur around i meant from ur family.. It is necessary feel feelings in love.. Love is not that thing u must need to feel it.. Love is the thing that u have to experience... Here u will again get confused(may be ).. BUt try to understand love.. When u talk with ur own mother try to feel her love..

Dont think that u r not feeling her love..Think in a positive way..And i m sure u will start feeling feelings and love too..

THnks

I am a 30 year old female and could not help be completely struck by your post! Everything that you wrote and described is exactly how I feel! I have felt the same feelings (or lack of) and had similar if not the exact same thoughts that you have shared here. It is frusterating and often times I feel as though there is something "Wrong" with me. I know that it has affected my relationships or attempts at them. It destroyed my relationship with my childs father and is now threatening to do the same to the current relationship I am in now. I often times feel fearful as you expressed that this will affect any intimate relationship that I attempt to have and am desperate to find out a cause or a solution at the very least. As soon as the "lust" part wears off I have no need or want for physical conection, I feel uncomfortable and do not want to be touched. I am similar also in the fact that I do not ever initiate hugs or kisses from family members or friends, the one exception is my daughter. She is the only person that I actually want to hug or kiss or "cuddle" with. If you have discovered anything new or anything that would help please share as I am frusterated and worried. Although it did give me a little peice of mind to read your post and know that I am not alone in this situation and that I am not just some "Cold" freak.

I often times feel fearful

Therein lies your answer. FEAR It ALWAYS kills.
The fact you've said that the only person you do feel for is your daughter is because you feel safe. What you are probably afraid of, which is widely shared is the fear of judgement. Perhaps you're afraid that if you let your guard down, you'll be judged. Even worse...if you let your guard down, you may get hurt. This is the REAL reason people put up barriers to intimacy. You won't give yourself permission to 'feel' for fear that it'll get abused or left behind.

You know it never ceases to amaze me that so many people jump into a car and drive. We all drive around like ants, missing one another by virtue of rules. However, there are SO many people who break these rules, yet we don't batter an eye lid at the risks that driving involves. So, it seems we don't much care about getting physically hurt, but we DO care about getting emotionally hurt. Can you imagine how many more accidents there would be if people actually focused on the FEAR of driving? Crap, I reckon more than half the population would be dead.

There is a pretty big price to pay for this unrealistic sense of fear. The fear is all in your head. Being a teacher, I can't tell you how many times I've been struck down by questions about all sorts of things that haven't happened or may NEVER happen (e.g. exam results, essay results etc). Ninety % of the time, these fearful outcomes NEVER happen, yet we feel the need to waste so much time worrying.

You need to start getting some strategies to overcome these fears, because if you don't...the fear will win. When you think about it, what does fear look like? You can't touch it, see it, hear it or taste it. You only feel it because you've made the WHOLE thing up in your head. AND, whilever you keep focusing on fear, that's where you'll be heading because you're focused on it. It's like saying don't think about 'green panthers'. Now...what are you thinking about? GREEN PANTHERS. Why? Because you've just focused on it.

You're focusing too much on the fear of rejection, and the only reason you don't experience this with your daughter is because she will NEVER reject you, hence you feel safe. This is not a fear, and so you are totally open to accepting and giving love. How does it feel? Wonderful, I'll bet.

So many people miss out on the most precious gifts of life all because they invest in mindless, non sensical things that don't even exist, and sadly - they create 'rejection' because that's what they're focused on. You said it yourself, your relationship is threatened because you can't feel. The only reason it's threatened is because you choose not to feel. You're so focused on the relationship failing that of course, you'll make it fail because you're refusing to love. The lack of love is a choice you've made. The power to love is in your hands. The moment you'll start loving your husband, the fear of him leaving will drop away. But because you're afraid that the marriage will end, you're taking away the very ingredient that will protect it from failing. You are totally 100% responsible for its failure, not your husband. Why? Because you're probably denying him the love that he needs, and you to make the marriage work. Mind you, if he's equally as fearful about the same thing, then he'll make sure it happens too. BTW, I'm not saying that this is certain, I'm just giving you a theory, but one that applies to so many people across the world.

Fear is the world's GREATEST pathology.

Believe me I know ALL about fear. I've wanted someone for 20+ years. The only reason we haven't come together is because HE works do hard at making sure his theories about me are right. He hides in all sorts of ways, wanting me to know that he is 'secretly' interested, but keeps pushing me away in the face of reality. My guess is that perhaps he thinks he's not good enough; maybe he thinks I'll leave him for someone else; maybe he thinks if he's honest I'll judge him; perhaps he thinks he'll loose control. In fact, I think ALL of these things are his fear. Guess what? The only reason he tries so hard in proving to himself that he's right, is because he does EVERYTHING to MAKE SURE his fears become reality. So, he adopts all sorts of behaviours to create what he doesn't want.

The irony is, he doesn't want to have these fears, so he pretends he doesn't have them by setting up scenarios that are so left field, that he actually convinces himself that he is totally correct. In other words, he is MAKING SURE I'll judge him, otherwise he'd just go with the flow, he'd take opportunities instead of killing them. He is so mean to me that of course, what am I doing? Judging him. Why? Because he's focused on it. So, he's creating it.

If he actually focused on happiness and love, then his behaviours would be entirely different. But he won't drop his guard at any cost, so I have no choice but to move on. It's so sad for me, but hey...it's a choice he is making.

We all have the power to choose, love or fear. It's such a dam shame that many choose fear.

PS: Have a look at Dr. Sandra Parker on Utube. She is a psychologist who talks about this in plain English. It's wonderful and she really opens the door on explaining it so well.

Hey there, you must really pay attention to Sweetcheek's fear theories, she really knows what she is talking about and that certainly plays a big role on your issue. (don't go crazy about her story with her loved one though, she will get banned for telling everyone about him eventually lol Just kidding you know I love your drama )

I do not think that being affectionate has been a real issue for me because I caught it very early in my life but the only thing I can say is what Nikkir said earlier, just take an active approach towards it. For example, just try to hug your mother whenever you think a normal person would do it, it will be horrifying but do it anyways. That is what I do every time I fear something, I just go and do it anyways, after a couple of times you will feel great doing it.

I fear something, I just go and do it anyways, after a couple of times you will feel great doing it.

LOL you're funny m.q.

You're right, I will get banned for telling my story already. I've got years of pain that needs to be released, which is why I blog. I honestly can't tell it anymore: I'm boring myself.

As for the quote above? ....YOU SHOULD BE RUNNING classes on removing fear. As I keep saying, you're a rare species. You will be one of the few that will find true happiness.

You know what's interesting? Feeling the fear only actually lasts for such a short period of time, what - maybe 5 minutes, maybe an hour but that's it! Being stuck in fear lasts a god dam LIFE TIME. You can't compare the two, yet most people choose the latter. How majorly pathetic is that??

You know, if you were about to get your head chopped off and waiting at the gallows, I'd kind of understand the need to stay fearful, but c'mon! Fear of love

UNBELIEVABLE!!!

I wouldn't read a whole lot into it headache. I was always the same way. Guys are supposed to be strong and supportive. You feel comfortable in that (consoling) role because that is what is acceptable. I still really don't like contact, hugging or any sort of affection, besides with my wife. And yes when you meet the right girl you will enjoy all of that with her. As well as with your children if the two of you decide upon that. There is nothing wrong with you.