NEW BOYFRIEND - SEEMS OBSESSED WITH ME

This is my first post, as I need advice on an issue that is causing me alot of worry.

I have not had a boyfriend for about 10 years, last relationship ended badly and after a period of not dating and getting my confidence back I have been very happy on my own and not actively looking to hook up with anybody. Had plenty of offers but not met anybody who I felt a connection with until recently.

Met somebody recently at a local car boot sale and after several weeks of polite exchanges of conversation was given his phone number to call if I fancied meeting up for a coffee and chat. Seemed a very nice, genuine guy and I did feel an instant attraction to him.

After a week of agonising decided to text him and the result was three days of very long telephone calls which seemed to me to be good as we clearly had alot in common and talked very easily.

We then decided to meet up by which time he had informed me that he had been wanting to ask me out for a long time but had presumed that I probably had a boyfriend. As far as he was concerned it was love at first sight, an instant connection and having spoken to me on the phone felt that we would make the perfect couple. Whilst this was a mutual thing I was quite cautious about it all and made it clear that because it had been a long time since I had dated anyone I wanted to take it slowly and to start with perhaps we could meet up middle of the week in the evening after work and perhaps arrange to do something on the Saturday.

This we have been doing and it has been going on now for two weeks. What is concerning me is the telephone and text messaging. I am getting constant texts saying how much he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and now he has found me he is never going to let me go etc etc. At first I was flattered but now I am very concerned as I think it is too early to be saying these things and the frequency of the calls and texts are now causing me to have anxiety attacks. He is frequently talking about getting engaged and married and seems to have the whole thing mapped out. He has told me that he is perfect, I am perfect and everything is going to be perfect. He is too old to me playing games and he is being honest about how he feels.

If I don't return a call or answer a text I then get text after text asking me what is wrong and in calls he says he get panicky if I don't respond. I have to text him when I leave in the morning for work and when I arrive, at lunchtime, when I leave work and return home as he says he worries something is going to happen to me on the way home. I have told him that I think that this is irrational and I don't understand it. I have told him that my last relationship ended because of possessiveness and harrassment and he is displaying similar traits to those of my ex boyfriend, the difference is I have been with him 2 weeks, my ex boyfriend I was with for 5 years.

When I am with him everything is fine but the in between is causing me severe anxiety, he is claiming that he has never met anybody like me and doesn't want to lose me and it is becasue he cares about me but I am not sure whether it is just the excitement of meeting somebody new or whether he has a problem.

At the moment I am receiving in the region of 29 texts per day and several voicemail messages. They did stop for a couple of days after my conversation with him about them but then after spending a really nice day with him he started up again.

I can't eat, sleep or think straight at the moment. I feel that he is trying to control me but when he explains himself it all sounds perfectly plausible and I feel stupid and guilty for doubting him. I have spoken to a friend and she thinks he is obsessed and this is not normal.

I would welcome some advice. I am 36 and my boyfriend is 43.

Hey,

What exactly does he say when he "explains himself"? I mean, haven't you told him that you're worried about the excessive amounts of texts and calls? If he really cared about you, then he would surely try his best to listen to your worry and reduce the amount of messages he sends. I mean, thi simply cannot continue the way it is currently, right? If it does, he is going to demand ever more attention from you, and you are going to get ever more angry. So, something has to be done now.

I think you need to ask yourself the question: Am I that desperate for a partner that I will accept such childish behaviour from this guy? Granted, he may have some security issues, but that's no excuse for hurting you, especially after you have voiced your concern.

Kevin

Age is not an issue, but his actions seem really child-like.
It's obvious that he has some sort of insecurity, perhaps he thinks that you are too good to be true, therefore something you have said to him must be a lie, so he feels the need to be monitoring you constantly in order to be able to keep you under control. Perhaps he just feels bad that he's not with you every hour of the day. I know when I text my boyfriend over 5 times in a day I realize that I'm just feeling lonely at work.
Your man seems to have had a long span of time being alone or a bad experience in the past. Perhaps you should ask him about it. Also tell him nicely that the texts bother you cause you get into trouble at work when they catch you texting back. You are busy at work and you can not attend to him... promise him that his fears of you running off with someone else would only come true if he became to clingy.
If he doesn't change, tell him that you just have to leave as there are other things in life than your boyfriend... work for instance, which you must go to, otherwise you will have no money and eventually starve to death so he won't have you then at all!

Thanks for your responses it has certainly given me alot to think about.

It may be insecurity, he spent childhood in a home, married in his late 20s after pressure from both families and after 5 years and strings of affairs by his wife, filed for divorce which took a long time because she tried to stop it going through. Has had relationships since but nothing lasting and by the sound of it seems to go for clingy needy women with alot of emotional problems and baggage. Get the feeling he needs to feel like he is needed and he shows resentment at the relationships ending saying that he has been used by them and they were not worthy of his love and affections "unlike me".

I haven't lied about anything in my past and have told him about my previous two long term relationships and how they ended. He finds it odd that I haven't dated anybody for so long and perhaps is looking for a reason why, perhaps he thinks there is some deep dark secret that hasn't emerged yet which would explain it.

I am meeting him tonight so am thinking about tackling this tonight, not sure how to put it but I am now so desperate for a night's sleep that I have got to do something before I make myself ill.

I have tried to tackle this in various ways, telling him that I will be busy up to a certain time but ok for him to call after that time ie. get home at 6.30 ok to call after 7.00 or saying I will call him at a particular time but it makes no difference. Cannot get him to stick to set times at all. He seems to have alot of time on his hands, doesn't seem to have any social life, quite literally goes to work and then goes home and does nothing. When I call the phone is answered immediately and he apparently puts the phone under his pillow in case I want to talk to him in the early hours.

It seems that he does not have much of a life and now all the focus is going on to me. I don't think this is healthy and will cause damage in the long term for him if things don't work out for us. I am worried that I will be in the same situation 10 years ago when my boyfriend was completely emotionally unstable and used emotional blackmail to make me stay with him such as not being able to cope and suicide threats if I left him. I could not go through that again.

In his eyes, you're his world - i.e. You're everything that he needs and you signify everything that he never had growing up. I like to think that I know this because I was a bit like he seems to be now a few years ago. After being severely rebuked for it though, I have changed and now barely use my phone at all to send text messages.

You have to clear it up though - and soon - before he goes overboard. Once you start the conversation about it, don't let him laugh it off, which he will probably try to do. You need him to understand that he's badly affecting your quality of life at present.

Kevin

Thank you once again. Had a good night tonight and got a few things off my chest. He seemed genuinely surprised at the amount of texts and said he didn't realise he had sent so many texts during the course of the day and will cut them right down. Came to an agreement that texts could be sent in the evening unless either of us have specific things to get on with that evening in which case one text before bedtime would be nice.

With regard to the texting when I get to and from work he said that it was not that he was checking up or prying into what I was doing it was purely he worried about me getting home safely. He told me that when he was married his wife didn't come home one evening, she had had an accident in the car and had he not gone out searching she may not have survived as her car was found in a ditch and she was unconscious. We therefore agreed a text when I got in was fine but not arriving at work in the morning.

Although I had mentioned the texts before I don't think he realised the effect it was having on me, he now does and seemed genuinely wanting to put things right and tone it down.

So its a case of see how things go.
Thanks for all the advice, much appreciated.

Hey,

This sounds like great news, and I can actually understand why he worries about you getting to and from your work and home. When I was younger, I was very scared at one point that my mother had been kidnapped and, after that, whenever any of my family left the house, I would be intensely worried about their safety. I would spend ages looking out to window to see when they would get home. I'm not like this anymore though.

Anyway - yes - this really sounds positive. Well-done to you both

Kevin

Thank you, I kept my phone off today and have switched on to find no messages which is great news. I stuck to my side and texted him to let him know I had got home safely and he texted back to say he will wait till 9.00 when I am free to talk.

Feeling much happier. I think my previous conversations about it went unheeded because it was done over the phone and he might not have picked up how badly it was affecting me but after a face to face I think he has certainly taken it on board and I am now feeling more assured that it was probably overeagerness on his part rather than anything sinister.

I have organised some days out for his diary to reassure him that I am taking him seriously and definately want to see him and this seems to have gone down well and hopefully will help settle his nerves. Perhaps he is just a person who needs to have things mapped out and doesn't like the unpredictability of a new relationship where you are not really sure where you stand.

I would like to thank everybody who has responded to me, it is much appreciated and I am very grateful that people have taken the time to offer me their advice.

You know, this is the best piece of news that I have heard all day, and it reinforces the point that communication between a couple is VERY important. I am genuinely and greatly happy for you two.



Take care,
Kevin

if he loves you as much as he says he's going tohave to respect you too. You need to tell him with no uncertainty that he needs to stop texting and calling you so much. You can tell him that if you have a problem or something is wrong he can be assured that you'll call him. And that you enjoy talking and spending time with him, but his constant communication is driving you nuts and that it's causing you a lot of stress. If he doesn't change after that, it's time for him to leave.