Continual mixed messages

I have recently come out of a short but intense relationship with someone with a number of health issues and who was in the process of coming off anti-depressants. The decision to end the relationship was his, not mine. The decision was sudden and no explanation given.

What I am finding very difficult is that he has said he will tell me what the reason was but cannot at the moment. He suggests that we speak and will suggest a day and when I call he is not there. A few days later, he will send an email with no reference to not being there when agreed but suggesting that we speak on another suggested day. He claims that I have hurt him deeply, but I do not know how as he will not say, but prior to this hurt the relationship was wonderful and he would like to keep to keep in touch. I do not see this as game playing but am totally confused by someone who keeps coming back and suggesting contact but is never actually there? Does anyone understand this or has had a similar situation?

Thank you

Hi Argent,

I may be able to shed some light on what has happened because I have experienced what it is like to come off anti-depressants. Basically, life can turn into 'hell' in the flash of an eye if it's not done right. This may be why the break-up was so sudden: It could be that his withdrawal from the anti-depessants affected him in a bad way. Whatever the case, I would not expect any time soon an explanation as to why he broke-up with you. I imagine that he doesn't even fully understand what is happening himself.

Have you seen him around the place or heard anything from friends?

Kevin

PS - When he said that you "hurt him deeply", he is lying. He just doesn't understand that the source of his pain is his own mind (and not you).

Kevin

thank you. I really appreciate you sharing this with me. No, we have not seen each other, we live in different cities. Most communication has been by email a little by phone. During one call he wanted to stay talking about anything and everything and insisted we talked the following day. He did not call and I left it a couple of days.. When I did call he did not want to talk to me. He repeatedly says he will tell me why but not yet.

For me, this was an intense and special relationship. I have offered to leave him completely alone and not to phone (he says he wants me to phone), to simply be friends or whatever he feels comfortable with. I insist on nothing. Clearly I do not like what has happened between us but I cannot force that and leave it in his hands. Additionally, I do not like the idea of someone I know suffering in this way and would like to be there to help.

But I am lost as to what to do when I get mails saying lets talk at the weekend, or tomorrow, etc, but he is not there, and will not tell me what really happened.

My feeling is that to keep calling and mailing would be additional pressure which I do not want to give him but I am beginning to think that for my sanity I have to force the issue or simply cut all contact. I know that nobody can tell me what to do and have pretty much decided that I have to cut contact, but this is very strange situation for me to understand given that I know nothing of how we have arrived in such a situation or my role in it.

Thank you again

Argent

Wow, I'm sensing your sheer confusion at what is happening here. What you said in your final paragraph is probably the best course of action to take at this moment in time because it seems that he is incredibly confused too (possibly the meds are 'clouding' his mind). So, for the moment, just stay back as much as you can - if he wishes to get in touch with you, then he can.

I get the feeling that you are the type of person who is capable of moving-on from a relationship if needs be, right? Someone people prefer to cling onto dead relationships until there is no conceivable hope left, but by that point they have depressed themselves greatly. You seem to know better though.

Kevin

It has knocked me for six in a way that I never would have expected. Additionally, all my friends say stay in there it is worth fighting for. As much as I would like it to work I cannot see how it ever will. My dilemma, against the advice of all, is whether to simply walk away, or to SAY I am walking away. I have already been accused of rejecting him (but i don't know how or why) hence my reluctance to force an explanation but I really would like one. Equally, to ignore emails is also rejection. I guess I am trying to decide whether I simply accept the situation as is - ie never understanding but saying c'est la vie- or trying to find out and then saying OK adios. I appreciate this latter route is more selfish but you are right this has confused me no end and this is added to by friends saying it is worth fighting for. I am just too exhausted to continue trying to understand and feel I need to look after me. I can't be there for someone who does not know whether they want me there or not.

Hi,

I'm not sure what else to say really, because you seem to have already weighed-up the various options to take (but are just puzzled over which one TO take). It's difficult for me to go for definite with any one option because I don't know you or he very well. I will say this though: Your ultimate decision should be the one that gives the best outcome for you and you alone. Your close friends can offer advice, but that is all, because the decision will noty be affecting their lives (it will be affecting yours).

Kevin

Hi Kevin

Thank you for coming back to this. Of course, I do not actually want to take either decision, I simply know that I must to protect myself - to end contact with somebody that I cannot cope with is all I can do. I really do want to understand, but I do not want to cause stress for him, and so I think to myself, well to hell with my needs and that I simply have to have an EASY rather than satisfying exit. I fully take what you say about me not being the cause of his hurt and it being possibly due to the difficulties of coming off meds but I do not want to add to an already difficult situation for him. I guess it is a question of weighing his needs against mine and and realising that even if I do confront, I may not get the answer I am seeking and end up actually prolonging what is an unpleasant situation for me. At the end of the day, I cannot force him to tell me. I will give myself a couple of days to choose which strategy to follow.

I cannot thank you enough for your help and attention with this. The clarity of someone outside the situation really has been valuable for me.

Very best

Argent