Abusive husband has so much rage his eyes turn black!!!!!!

My husband was terribly abused in every conceivable way possible when he was growing up in a foster care group home and is filled with rage. He is verbally abusive towards me and our young adult daughter is a very mixed-up and confused individual.

Last night when I came home after work he had himself worked up into almost a psychotic state - screaming, ranting, raving, going from yelling to breaking down and crying, saying with clenched teeth, with a flushed-red face and the veins in his neck popping in his neck that he hated his mother (for putting him in foster care.) His eyes actually change color, from hazel to black when he is in this state of mind. He ripped a screen door off its track, shoved a big, heavy, dryer in the laundryroom, slammed a wooden gate super hard and was stomping around the house. My daughter was hiding in her bedroom and I was telling him to stop or else I would call the police. He was ranting and raving for a good 3 to 4 hours.

I told him last night hours later when he finally calmed down that I am divorcing him because that was the last time I would ever be a witness to his abusive behavior and maniacal rage. And I told him the same thing again today. Of course, today he is acting apologetic and trite, saying he's going to get counseling, and he's so angry at his mother, etc., etc, and I've heard it so many times before, I know it's not going to happen.

I am just numb, feel so worn-out, listless, with no energy, no happiness, no joy in my life. I am beyond sadness or tears. I simply don't care anymore and I want him out of my life.

Has anyone else in here had to deal with a spouse or family member who grew up terribly abused, who in turn took it out on you and your children? I am just so angry at him for treating my daughter and myself this way and for putting up with his abuse for so long.

Has anyone ever witnessed a person being in such a rage that their eyes actually change to black? It's scary. I hate him so much. I don't have even one ounce of love for him anymore. I'm going to have to sell my home and move but at least I won't have to live with him or see his crazy, abusive ass anymore.

Hi,

I'm going to be answering this from an unusual perspective because I am a person who was abused (not much though) in the past, and I eventually began to lash out at my parents. The worst times were when I cursed at my mother and called her terrible names. I also once threatened to kill my father with a knife. After that 'knife' incident, I knew that I had a problem.

There is a way out of this for your husband, but he'll have to admit to having a problem. I am currently taking medication (an anti-depressant) and it works wonders for my anger - it basically neutralises much of it. Because of the abuse, there is probably a lot of stuff that your husband needs to talk about to someone. He will have to go to a doctor first, who then may refer him to a therapist.

What I'm trying to get at though is that your husband can be saved. I'm aware that it's probably too late for the marriag to be saved, but your husband does not have to alays be this way. Look at me now: I am a moderator on a psychological self-help forum. During my 'angry days', this would have been unheard of.

Take care,
Kevin.

Chucky wrote:Hi,

I'm going to be answering this from an unusual perspective because I am a person who was abused (not much though) in the past, and I eventually began to lash out at my parents. The worst times were when I cursed at my mother and called her terrible names. I also once threatened to kill my father with a knife. After that 'knife' incident, I knew that I had a problem.

There is a way out of this for your husband, but he'll have to admit to having a problem. I am currently taking medication (an anti-depressant) and it works wonders for my anger - it basically neutralises much of it. Because of the abuse, there is probably a lot of stuff that your husband needs to talk about to someone. He will have to go to a doctor first, who then may refer him to a therapist.

What I'm trying to get at though is that your husband can be saved. I'm aware that it's probably too late for the marriag to be saved, but your husband does not have to alays be this way. Look at me now: I am a moderator on a psychological self-help forum. During my 'angry days', this would have been unheard of.

Take care,
Kevin.

Kevin,

Thank you for your insight. I told my husband the same thing, he has to get help, and he says he's willing to do so to save our marriage. I told him, do it for yourself more than anything because he's so unhappy and in so much mental anguish and emotional pain, he needs professional help immediately. It's very disturbing and sad to see him in this state - like watching a wounded animal (in his case, a bull) blindly thrash about, crying, and his emotions are so raw it's shocking.

After he calmed down, I insisted that he get professional help, and yesterday he called an adult survivor of sexual abuse hotline, spoke with a counselor online who gave him the names and numbers of some psychotherapists in our area. He then called all of the doctors on the list and is waiting back to hear from them. Even though this sounds hopeful, he's done this in the past, and doesn't follow through with actually meeting a therapist and seeing them on a regular basis.

So yes he has admitted he has a problem. He asked me if I would be there to emotionally support him while going through therapy, and in the past I told him yes I would because I felt sorry for him. But I'm just so worn out and tired of dealing with him and his problems, I need to work on me and building my self-esteem and getting my life back. I know our marriage is over - I'm the one he inflicted all of his pain on over the years and I feel so angry that he's robbed me of a decent and normal adult life thus far. He tells me, well if I've lost you and you're not going to be in my life, what's the point in bothering to get help? He makes me feel as if I have to be there for him to get the help he needs, and I just want to be done with him and get on with my life and heal myself from years of verbal and emotional abuse suffered at his hand.

Thank you for letting me vent and for your words of advice. And thank God for this website - it's been very helpful to me.

You take care too

Hey,

Well, I'm happy that he knows he has a problem but, as you said, he has done this before but has never followed through. You cannot give him the opportunity to back down though. If he gives any hint of pulling-out of getting help, just tell him: 'No, get it over and done with before you ruin your entire life'; or something along those lines. If he moans again after that, just ignore him.

I know that you're worn-out and that it's not your responsibility to look after him, but I feel that you are still a key to his recovery. You have to help him along, but not so much as to give him any hint that he's going to get away with all of the abuse that he has thrown at you throughout the years.

You have a new life to attend to, and it's direction can be steered away from him for the better.

Kevin

Whether you chose to end your marriage or not, it would be useful to you if you could find a women's support group for abused women, or even begin to attend Alanon meetings. Both are often free. You need to have the company and support of other women no matter whether you go or stay. Might be very useful for your daughter too. These are two ways to quickly begin to help yourself.

Lifesong, I totally agree with you about joining a support group with other women who are in my situation. But I thought Alanon is for people living with alcoholics? My husband doesn't drink since he's diabetic. But maybe their program would still benefit me? Either way I definitely need to find a good support group for abused women.

It's so touching to me that you and Chucky have given me some answers and positive feedback. You don't know how much I appreciate your help. I'm just so emotional after going through this latest episode, I feel like I'm on the verge of tears. I feel like you've both thrown me a lifeline and given me hope. It's an awesome feeling!! Thank you!!

It's been no problem helping you out, HoneyPenny, and I'm sure that LifeSong would say the same. Whenever you are having difficulty in life, receiving impartial advice should always be something you do; and that's the perspective that I stand from: Impartiality!

This is why it is also sometimes better for a depressed person to see a counsellor as opposed to talking to a family member: The counsellor is impartial, but the family member's opinions have been 'tainted' through knowing the depressed person for years.

Kevin

Sometimes, when I get really angry very suddenly, one of my eyes turns inwards and I see red. It is very rare.

Maybe the increase in blood flow or the dilating of the pupil is make this change occur in your husband.

Some people (new-age) believe its like an entity of negativity possesing you when you have the right angry conditions. You feed it, it takes you over, you keep feeding it with angry thoughts so it addictively takes you over and gives you rage. I dont know if i could ever believe that literally, but it sure does feel like that.