Confused

I am not really sure what to do in my situation. First of all, I have been trying to actually get counseling and nothing seems to work out. I don't have insurance and it is frustrating.

I have had a tough life and have taken care of everyone in my life. I am 27 and my mom died when I was 19. I took care of her with my dad at home towards the end (she had lung cancer). After though, I took care of my dad, who is bipolar and an alcoholic and my brother who is 25 now, but at the time, was very immature. I did everything from housework, my freelance design work, yard work, shoveled snow, grocery shopped, played "wife" to my dad, and "mother" to my brother. In addition, I took care of my aunt (mom's sister) who was in a nursing home and my grandfather (dad's father).

I got married in 2005 when I knew in my heart that I shouldn't of. Once married I was in a relationship where I did everything again. He was about 10 years older. I lived with my husband at the time, about 10 minutes from my dad. I took care of both houses.

There is my background...so finally last year in May I had a major breakdown. I just couldn't take it. I was back in touch with an old friend. There was this sudden instant bond. He has been my best friend since and has really helped me out. Since then we have developed a relationship of some sort. We care more than friends, sleep with each other, yet are not technically dating. But we have lived together almost constantly for about 8 months.

I have recently started living alone, and not with this "friend". He had to go away back to his home state and take care of things with him family for a few months. In the process of being alone for the first time in my life, I realized I need help dealing with everything I have been through. We had a long talk. Part of the problem with my "friend" is that he really wants to be with me, but has a lot of drastic ups and downs. He has a DSM book and says he has Histrionic Personality Disorder.

My friend is also getting his Masters in Social Work and is almost there. He wants me to tell him about what I am going through mentally and about things I am dealing with him, but at the same time, he is afraid of the whole aspect that he is not sure how to deal with it. Some he looks at it professionally and other times personally.

I just don't know what to do. We have been on and off and I love him so much. At the same time his ups and downs really hurt me at times, because when he is down, I guess I don't feel loved. Then again I guess that is my problem.

We have a history or so much good but also so much bad. Some of the bad, he actually wants me to blame him for and can't see why I forgive him. So in a way it is kind of an emotionally abusive to some extent. Because his ups and downs control my mood, but I think that is partially from living with an alcoholic that would have sudden outbursts.

One of the biggest obstacles is that my friend is a social worker as I mentioned, so he wants to be involved, and is my best friend, but it all involves him, or at least a good part of it does. So where does he set the boundaries?

After I posted my post...I guess I thought of things this way and wanted to add in, my "friend" wants to help me, on a professional level besides being a friend. Those aren't his direct intentions to be my "therapist" but he always is looking at situations from a "professional" stand point. And here I am, always have taken care of people and "fixed" their problems, so I am trying to "fix" him from a caretaker and giver aspect.

So are we doing more harm than good for each other??? Does any of that make sense???