Am I ok to still remember?

I hope this post isn't too long... well it may have to be in order for it to make sense. Sorry for that!!

I had an unusual friendship with a guy who I met at work. We met December 2004 when I did a project for him. He was upstairs and I was downstairs in the support dept. He was engaged but he and his fiance broke up in November 2003, so that happened a year before we met. He told me they were engaged for 2 yrs and never set a date.

In Feb 2005 we ended up getting a little tipsy at a bar and dirty danced at an office mixer one Friday night. He asked me for my number and that started our secret happy hour dates after work. No one knew about it.

We had only 2 secret dates and then I got promoted to his dept. He saw how shy I was so I guess he lost interest. I saw how flirty he was with all the girls. He was 34 and I was 29. Now I'm 32 and he's 37.

Obviously he stopped calling me, but when I resigned 3 months later, he left a voicemail. FYI: I didn't resign to get away from him because he didn't like me anymore (my previous job was outsourced to India and I had a chance to get it back with a diff. company).

We emailed more than spoke after I started my new job. So many times we spoke about meeting up which never happened. He said he forgot and admitted he was "flakey." Remember this for later.

I thought it was over when he didn't call. I called him once to at least let him know I was interested and that's when he said he was flakey. So this time 3 months passed and I found out his company had a huge layoff. I called him!! Like a fool in love, i called him......

i will continue in another reply to avoid truncating a long post. LOL

I felt I needed to call him not only because I liked him, but because I didnt know if he was affected or not. He was in a higher position and usually layoffs happen to support level and administration. I guess I was curious too. I also emailed my friend who I sat next to before I quit but she didnt' reply in time. That's really more why I called him.

This time we finally met up - March 2006. I told him I liked him thinking he'd be over his broken engagement from Nov. 2003. We both have sisters who are married and have kids. His niece is the same age as my nephew. We'd always talk about the cute thngs they did. I saw how close he is with his mom and sis, so that made me like him more.

Nonetheless, he admitted he still loved his ex-fiance and he told me, "I'm not into you." Ok, fine, but it was still nice of him to spend an hour on the subway to come see me. We remained friends and found each other on Myspace. Email but no phone calls. Yet again his flakiness or lack of interest in me caused no contact. One day I sent him an email and he didnt' reply until months later.

I found out again that his company had another layoff, so I emailed him, no call this time. He actually replied the same night and said he had 3 months until his last day (April 2007).

We kept in touch for a while but lost contact again because he was job searching. January 2008 - my dream came true. He made the effort to contact me after a long time had passed. I was shocked.

I waited 3 years, 3 YEARS for my dream to come true, but only to have it ruined so soon!

BTW, let's call him "Joe."

We went on only 2 dates and it was after a date of bowling that he told me something that was very unexpected. First of all, he looked at me with this sweet, angelic face and said "I don't know how to tell you this." He told me he has been smoking marijuana since he was 18 yrs old or so (he is 37 now - half his life). It's not like he just took out a joint and handed it to me expecting me to smoke it with him. He does it mostly alone in his apt. (not even with his friends, weird). Once in a blue moon he said he would do it with his closest friend (who I heard him briefly mention in an email from 2006).

I was ok with it at first because I tried it in high school. All I said was "At least it's not cocaine." We went on to talk about other stuff that night before I left. He told me to call him when I got home because I take a train upstate and he lives in the city (where I work). His voice sounded weird on the phone but I thought nothing of it then. I was so tired. It was close to midnight and I had to work the next morning. Then it finally hit me, after I left that night he started smoking!! I started to replay our phone convo in my mind and his words were slurring (it was repeating like an annoying song from a commercial).

I had gone online earlier the following day, and it said marijuana causes "short term memory loss"

WHICH EXPLAINED HIS FLAKINESS.

And that is what he told me. Flakiness can also mean short term memory loss.

So he called me the next day and I casually asked him some questions. Like how often, when, with whom does he smoke? I got mad all of a sudden. I mean really mad because I had read about the memory loss online! Plus...

I always thought high school kids try it and then GROW OUT OF IT. Apparently this guy NEVER GREW UP. I didn't ask if he was high when I called him the night before. I should've though. To make a long story short, of course he dumped me, even though we never started to date, but you know what I mean.

For some reason, I got so mad at everything that had happened. I had a crush on him for 3 years, I finally kissed him LOL.

A week later I was crying for a few hours on a Saturday night. I sent him a text that said: "I got so mad because you were high on the phone that night I got home from the train station. I never told you."

He didn't reply until Sunday at 4 pm and his text said "Can I get the gun now?" (I guess he was so mad he wanted to kill me)

I replied and "Sure, better for you to get arrested for attempted murder than possession of pot"

His next reply was "I'm about to score some smack, say a prayer for me"

I replied and said I wouldn't do it unless he told me, so he just replied and said he was gonna eat some chips and he'd call me tomorrow.

I was like "Huh?" He broke up with me and now all of a sudden he wants to talk again?

I thought to myself "What does that mean?" What is smack? Did he mean he was gonna watch a ball game and eat some snacks? Did he make a typo with the "n" and "m"?

I emailed him the next day and he didn't reply - yeah, because he was high when he texted me!!!

I Googled it and discovered it means to do the drug Heroin. It just spooked me out. Who knows if he was really doing it or just said it to be sarcastic.

I had nightmares of him doing heroin in his apt.

So since then weird things have been happening. First, my friend (John) came back from working in Hawaii right after the breakup/marijuana thing happened. I was so happy because I sort of had a crush on him and was hoping he could make me forget the marijuana guy Joe. It turns out John grew up in a hick / farm town and did lsd/acid in high school because everyone was bored up there with no civilization (his words).

Can you beleive the timing? I mean John moved back no more than 1 month after the breakup with Joe happened. Then of course we had to go see a movie Harold and Kumar Escape to Guantanomo Bay which has a lot of pot references. ANOTHER REMINDER. I was so happy and hoping that a new romance with John would make me forget Joe. WRONG!!!

John also told me that his parents emancipated him (right spelling?) at the age of 15 - they gave up parental rights because he was a trouble maker as a kid. His grandmother took him. He also went to AA. He moved to the city where I work to start over. I met him at work.

Then of course, I just realized my favorite song has the lyrics "smoke it if you got it." Thank god for the fan club members at the band's website; They said it is a regular term used to mean flaunt what you have, show yourself off. I was so relieved because my favorite band is very clean cut.

I was also watching a movie on tv from 2005 with Sarah Jessica Parker and Diane Keaton "The Cold Stone Family" It references marijuana also. What are the chances that I would be home or the movie would be aired for me to see it during this time of my life?!

The nightmares came back. I couldn't get the image of him doing drugs in his apt. out of my head and the sound of his voice like an annoying commercial song replayed in my head. I really wanted to see a therapist and told myself if something else comes up then I'm calling for an appointment. Something happened that same morning: at work a few people leave their newspapers on top of the filing cabinets. I was feeling a need for a break and a headline caught my attention as I walked by. It said "Man arrested for speaking up" - I forget the details of the article, but it was something about the Rockefeller laws. ANOTHER REMINDER.

And I even told myself if somethng comes up, then I'm calling. But now I am here because I don't want to waste money on him. I just want to know how long something like this is supposed to linger, the reminders, me still thinking of him.

There is a new song called Pocketful of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield and he used to call me Sunshine Will I ever forget him? Not to mention that since we met, we have different jobs now, but in the same field. His company is a huge client of mine. I see his company logo everywhere and I have spoken to his co-worker a few times. One time he called me and I thought it was Joe the marijuana guy because my phone has "Caller ID" and the area code and next 3 numbers are the same.

This happened the end of April. Is this going on too long? I can't help it after all those crazy pot things happened to me. Why am I letting this drive me crazy? I think it's because after 3 years of not liking me, he finally did. My dream came true, but it was ruined so fast. Please offer your advice. Thank you so much!!

I forgot to mention that I texted him and told him I had nightmares of him doing heroin. I felt that would make me feel better instead of spending money on a therapist. He actually replied, which means he read it!!! I am starting to feel better.

His reply was something like "I feel sorry for you. Lose my number"

I replied and said "I did but I was always good with numbers. Why do you think I got promoted to your dept. so fast?" (I still have it memorized)

He replied again and said "I don't care."

At least I got to him.

But now I am thinking I am being punished becuase the day after I saw the last 4 digits of his phone number on a license plate. I was on my way to the grocery store, where I go once a week. What are the chances that I would see that car on that day? Still, it is weird, the exact same 4 numbers, in the same order....on a license plate.

And also, at my favorite band's fan club website, we post pictures of the members. In one pic, the guitarist wore jeans with artwork and handwriting on them. I thought it said Weed, but it really said Creed.

Now I am SEEING things.

It's just so sad to know that so many other people smoke pot and it's illegal and expensive. I mean, he has a good job and has a big salary - so he can afford it.

I am going crazy. Can someone please tell me that I have a good reason to be a little nerved by the "score some smack" text. I mean that is a ghetto term and this guy is a professional. He has a good job!!! I should know because I worked with him!!!

This happened the end of April- how much time would it take for anyone to get over this mess? Thank you!

It's not just the smack/marijuana thing that is so sad...

I knew him for so long, and dreamed of dating him. It finally happened but ended in a very extraordinary way!!!