Help, please?

I've been dating a really sweet girl for about four months now and I've no idea how to tell her I'm schizophrenic.

I think I have to tell her, but is four months (nearly five) too soon or am I due? Should I even tell her? I'm clean. I've a job. I'm taking my meds. I haven't had a breakdown in months. Why should I burden her with this?

And how do I tell her? I mean, "Listen, Frankie, I'm crazy" is hardly a great way to start a conversation.

Most importantly, do you think she'll leave if I tell her?

My shrink tries to help, but I just don't trust him with this. I want advice from someone who's been in a similar situation, not someone who thinks they know what it is to be in this situation.

There is a possibility that she will leave if you tell her, but when your relationship advances your going to have to eventually tell her or she will eventualy find out. Though i tihnk you could end up being closer after you tell her. It can be very hard to tell people private things like this, but many things can be hard.
I think a important part is that you are comfortable telling her and not afraid of telling her. I believe you must accept your condition yourself before you can expect anyone else to accept it. Though since your asking about it I assume you've accepted it.
I think it would important to be honest, tell her that you've been thinking for a while about how to tell her.
When you tell her try to sound confident and don't speak fast. It would help if it sounds like your trying to convince yourself that its ok.
And after you tell her I would expect a while of akwardness, she'll probably be shocked and not know what to really say. And maybe if she doesn't say much, just tell her that you understand that it is hard for her as well and that you kind of understand her situation (when saying this try not to sound to cocky and know it allish).
I don't know if any of that helped, but I wish you look, and I would like if you posted updates on the situation (even if you dont end up telling her) I'll try not to judge you for your decision which ever it is.

Jay Dubb what you said was really intersting, the whole Shaman seer topic, I actually went and looked up some stuff about it.

I don't have schizophrenia, but I do have other mental/psych issues. If you're serious about this girl, you should definitely tell her before she either finds out from someone else, or you have a bad spell and scare the hell out of her. Keep in mind that many women feel that withholding vital information is pretty much lying... the longer you wait to tell her, the more she's going to feel like you've been lying to her and then she'll wonder what else you've been hiding or lying about (even if you haven't!). I guess that's not just women, I have known men who felt this way, too.

There is always the possibility that someone will leave you when you tell them one of your darker secrets (no matter what); but then that person is not the right person for you. The right person is someone who accepts you for you, and loves you warts and all.

As for the converstation, I've always found it helpful to prepare the person. Let her know that you have something really important to tell her on (scheduled time) and that it's a really difficult subject for you to talk about. That way she is prepared mentally for a big conversation... but don't make it too far in the future because then she'll worry that you're going to break up with her or something. It's a tricky balance, but this isn't a topic you can just spring on someone with no warning and expect a good reaction.

It might also be helpful to have some books around for her to read if she needs more info, or offer to have her speak with your psych about the condition (the condition - not YOU specifically).

Best of luck!

It is a serious, long-term relationship. We talked about it (our relationship) recently, that's actually the reason I started thinking about telling her.

I dunno how to tell her yet, though. I have to think long and hard about it first so that I don't screw up (my speech patterns can be hard to follow when I get nervous). But I think I'll tell her. I'll try to do it soon, I don't want her to think I've been lying to her. I'll keep you guys updated.

Jay Dubb, I know what you mean about hiding the books, that felt awful, like I was ashamed of myself. Also, thank you for the information, I'll check it out.

Thank you Soundbites and Plicketycay. You guys were very helpful. I really needed those tips, 'cause I want to let her know in the right way and not just "hey, I'm a schizo". I hope she understands.

Thank you!

The first 6-9 months of any relationship are infatuation. It's "your attention to me, desire for me makes me feel so great about me, I can't get enough of you."

It's you loving how you view yourself - looking at yourself thru their adoration.

But infatuation fades...and with it comes objective clarity and discernment about character, intelligence, values, and goals of the other person you're dating.

I'd be a huge proponent of telling someone very early about anything this serious. HIV, STD's, mental illness, etc......that way before the infatuation which is a phase, gets so underway that everybody in the sway of it wants to think it's real - they can evaluate your situation - against their own values and needs for the present and future.

So the time to disclose this is about a month into the dating phase, as I'd see it. That way - they're not so hooked on how great they view themselves, that they say "well, we'l get past it" - with no real plan or thought - only to have many complications and conflicts later.

On something like this, just likes HIV or STD, I can see where you're not wanting to disclose this situation to complete strangers. Which is what someone is to you until there is a long period of objective and discerning evaluation of them as a person. You don't need strangers that might become enemy's knowing this to use against you in ways that you can't undo or predict.

So maybe using the guideline of HIV or STD's for this might work. If you'd require YOURSELF not to get physically intimate sexually until 6-9 months into dating...that would give you quite a bit of time to be objective about the person's character you're dating. You're entrusting them with serious information, and relying on their character not to use it against you at some point.

It'd give them a time to revel in the infatuation, without the complication of sex, or the bond that is often instilled prematurely and incorrectly with the act of sex. Give yourself that as well.

Then as the infatuation is passing, and evaluating is beginning on whether a life with 'this individual" rather than "I want a relationship for needs of my own definition" being the focus - then reveal your situation.

Because your condition does affect the quality and type of life they'll have as a married person, and as a parent, and possibly whether theywould want to bear children vs. adopt with you.

Most people as the mture have a vision of how they want their life to be - in general. It's very vague and broad in youth - but it's more specific with maturity and age and lifestyle development.

If your condition is going to eliminate a good portion of what they want in thier lives - the time they can make that decision most responsibly to you both - is post infatuation, but prior to attachment to you as a person, and a potential future with you.

As you've waited 4 months, and infatuation is still in play, while discussion is still vague while you think it's not, and what each of you has as a vision and script in your head is 'how my life will be when I find a partner" vs. "how my life would be with this person in partnership" - let it ride.

As you become objective, you might find this is not the woman you admire or respect, or want to spend your life with. And if that is the case, why divulge this information.

While you're letting this unfold.......it would be a good use of some of your private time to evaluate ethically what you beleive is the best approach within your values and standards for the future - in disclosure of your condition.

It affects your employers, your relationships, your life in general - and disclosure appropriately and discerning the appropriate timing for it is imperative if you're to live in anything but desperation and fear.

So, I told her.

I explained my whole history to her, from when I first started feeling weird to my drug-adiction to my last, horrific episode and rehab. I gave her some books on it, too.

She seemed rather surprised, but was quite understanding. Things have been awkward lately, but they're getting better. I think she feels like she's walking on eggshells, like she doesn't wanna say something "wrong" and upset me. Heh...

She asks a lot, which I think is great. She asked about my voices and my delusions and my paranoia. I told her my voices were very quiet and strange, not mean or dangerous; I think that made her feel better.

Anyway, she didn't leave. I'm very happy about that. And she's reading up on it and she said it's quite interesting. I almost laughed. She thinks my being crazy is interesting, not scary, not weird, not horrible, but interesting. I liked that.

Congrats Frisker. I wish you the best of luck. Hopefull, with time, she'll understand your condition better and you two will be able to get back to "normal".