Not able to love...

I had a ###$ up break up with a girl I loved more than anything in this world 12 years ago. And it still effects me to this day. I ahve had relationships in the past, but I have never been able to love them the way I loved her. In fact I never loved anyone after that. I cared about them deeply, but it was not that feeling you get. I ould tell them I love them, but I was lying to their face. They usually catch onto me or I end up breaking up with them. I will explain what happened 12 years ago whn I have more time. trust me it's crazy.

Hi, cheadberg. I guess it's not easy to really love someone again if you've been hurt. Tell us about that relationship when you want to.

I will try to make this short as possible. We met in Higschool she was a Sophmore and I a Senor. I can remember the first time I saw her. It was Halloween and her and her freind were dressed as girls with slit throats (funny huh). I was immediatley attracted to her and I asked a girl in my class that I saw talking to her at lunch who she was and if she was single. My luck was she is and she set me up with her. We had a great chemistry together and I fell in love with her fast. I mean real love. Not this puppy love crap. She was the first girl I had any sexual relatonship with and I mean 1st at everything. Everyone thought we would be that classic high school couple that would get married. I actually waited a year to have sex with her because she had some issues with sleeping around which I knew about prior but I tried to forget about that which I did for the most part and I wanted her to know that I did love her. Well a year went by and for some ###$ up reason I broke up with her on my Birthday of all days and I can remember how heartbroken she was and I as well. I can still remember the look in her eyes. But that didn't last long because I knew I made a terrible mistake and we got back together "kind off" for a month. Later on she started to not really talk to me andwas acting distant from me. I found out eventually she was seeing someone behind my back and she ddn't want to tell me. We weren't officially together, but I was devastated. I got so depressed that I started not to eat and I turned into a liar. I got so desperate that I made up this BS story that I got "CANCER" and other stupid lies. I know now that this was the start of my so called personalitie disorder. Well we got back together and I slept with her for the 1st time. She said she was sorry about everything and we never mentioned my so called "illness" Basically because I did not remember ever saying those things. Anyways after all this stuff I felt that I really could not trust her 100% so I started turning into the jealous boy friend and also would just snap on her and say things I did not mean (bipolar comes into play) Something was triggered. I'll fast forward to the next part. X-mas came along and we started getting rocky. She started telling me she needed to cut back on seeing me because she wanted to focus on school and I tried to understand but didn't.Well she left to go on a skiing trip during new years and I asked if I could see her before she went. She said no and I fliped on her saying I was done with her and she could go get a new bf! (the nail that sealed the coffin). She came back and I called her to tell her I wa sorry for everything I said, but te damage was done. She avoided me pretty much for that month, but kept telling me she loved me and she needed time. Well I found out later on she met some guy in Vermont and went to her Senior dance with him (she told me she was going stag) and then slept with him that night! I found this out later. then I heard she was hitting on my friends little brother, but he wanted nothing to do with her, then the last thing she started seeing a guy who was a runaway from OhIo! This guy was a loser and when I found out about it I got pissed and confreonted her. Now mind you this allhappened in a course of a month. She said she was sick of my stories and that I was stalking her which I wasn't. Well her parents found out about this guy and they tried to ground her, but instead she decided to runaway from home with this guy back Ohio. I was destroyed and broken. My heart was ripped out of my chest and I felt responsible for this. She was gone for almost 2 years and never talked to her parents that time. She threw her life away and she refused to ever talk to me again. So I guess you can see why I am so messed up inside.

I hope she's ok now. You're not responsible for her actions. I guess she was a bit messed up before she even met you. If you make sense of your illnesses and find a way to live with them, I think you will fall in love again. But if you don't it doesn't mean that life isn't worth living. I'm not so sure if I could find someone to love either.

cheadberg --

I've been burned before bad ... (re: the GF seeing someone behind your back); it's never pleasant and very upsetting. I remember once hardly eating at age 18 for about 2-3 months, I was so upset.

Love hopefully will come your way eventually, sometimes it just takes time. It's very important to fill that awful empty "void" with something else, whatever it might be.

Another suggestion:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paragraph