A tough choice.

I got an email from my exgirlfriend today. She wanted to come visit me and my country. When I left her in October, she lives in Japan, I went back to my own country. I experienced emotional pain like I had never done before.
Most of my adult life I have been dissociated from my feelings, I am only in my 20s but still, so when I do feel actuall emotions, like that, it is often ubearable for me. I felt grief for the first time in my life when I loosed her, death does not even make me feel grief, but "loosing" her did.

After a while I started feeling better. I met a new girl, I didnt think that I could love, but I know now that I can. I had felt love before, for my ex, but I did not know that it was love.
Anyway this new love in my life, brought back the same type of happiness that I felt with my ex, only in a way I feel better. Because I love her more then I did my ex, even though I have only known her for a short time.
Yet still now that I got this mail from my ex that she wanted to come, I felt the pains of the past open up, she wanted to come to my country only so that she could see it. However I feared that the pain I felt before would resurface.

So I chose to do the selfish thing, I made a tough choice. I told her she could not come and see me. I told her that the pain would be too big for me. I am not an empathetic individual, but I am rational and take pride in doing "good" deeds even if I dont feel others pain. So I cannot help but feel disgusted with myself for making this selfish choice.

My ex is one of those humans that makes the world a better place, just by keeping that innocence in her self. What attracted me to her in the first place was that kindness and innnocence.

She is the type of woman that manipulative men easily take controll over. Her parents are hyper christian, and her mother is a narcissist, she controlls her. My ex will end up with a narcissist, I am so certain of it. Her mother has sought to that with the way she has brought her up.
It kills me to think about her ending up with such a man! I am disgusted with myself for "leaving" her behind. I have tried to tell her how a "good" man acts. When I was with her, it surprised her how much freedom she had. Infact I let her controll the relationship, I encouraged it, because I wanted her to learn. Learn that she deserved more. I knew one day I would leave her. And I wanted her too find someone good when I left. But I fear she will only fall into the arms of someone like her mother.

Yet I know that I have to think about my own happiness, the happiness I have with this new lady I am with, I love her so much. Love I didnt know that I had in me.

I am not used to emotions. Like I mentioned, I have been dissociated from my feelings for many years. In truth I was as misantrophic and miserable as that Doctor House is for a long time. And I am scared of ending up like that again.
Hahaha its so absurdly funny, because I feel no fear for physicall pain or danger, even death does not scare me. Yet emotions make me quiver in my pants like a little girl, bad emotions that is.

Before I started dissociating I had to fuel my self with hate and rage to keep myself from killing myself. I had to replace depression and sorrow with rage and hate. Haha I even got an ulcer at the age of 18, while I was in the army.
I never used that rage against innocent people, like I said I take pride in being kind, I have however beaten the crap out of bullys just to make myself feel better.

But now I am happy, I love a beautiful lady, my emotions have opened up. Is it wrong of me to be selfish and deny my ex happiness, so that I may have it?

I dont know why I wrote this here. I think I just needed to unload somewhere. I am not expecting sympathy, I know alot of people have it much worse. I just needed to unload.

Hi, Arne. Don't hate yourself for wanting to be happy. It's true that your ex might end up with a bad person becouse of the way she was raised, but she is an adult and she's responsible for her own decisions. You did all you could to help her. She has to realise that there are guys like you out there and choose for herself. Maybe you could tell her that you hope she'll end up with a good guy who treats her well becouse that is what she deserves, if you ever talk to her again.
If you love this new lady, you were right to tell your ex not to come visit you. It would probably create confusion.
You can vent here all you want.

Thanks for your kind reply.

I have told her before, when we broke up, that she needed too find someone good. Someone in Japan that would be kind to her in a way that she deserved.
What worries me is that she would always expect me too act in a bad way, tell her what to do and controll her, be mad at her etc, it worries me because the next guy she ends up with will probably be like that. Its not that she got pleasure from being treated that way, its just that she was used to it.
Simple things, like telling her to chose resturants or what movie too see, were things that she were not used to. Getting compliments instead of cursewords, choices instead of orders. That freedom seemed to confuse her but make her very happy.

Your right she is grown up and I cannot do anymore for her. If I were to controll her like that, I would be just as bad as those I fear she will end up with. But who knows, maybe I am underestimating her. Maybe she will get a good man.

Maybe she'll figure it out for herself and end up with someone who treats her well. It's a shame her mom treats her that way.
You should be happy with your new girl

I don't think it was a selfish decision to tell her not to visit you. If you are in love with someone else, your decision can also be seen as fair and compassionate. Your ex needs to move on as well, and let you go. She may be upset or sad that you don't want her to visit, but now she knows that the path with you has ended.

Jasmin is right, your ex is an adult and you are not responsible for her choices. I think it's normal that old pain will surface now that you've revisited what you went through with your ex. Let the pain find expression, that way it will give way to healing.

Congrats on the new love! Best of luck.