I don't know what to do anymore

She's never cheated on anyone and I am hoping her religious beliefs help us...she is one of those no sex before marriage christian girl, though very attractive, and far from perfect since she did sleep with one of her bf's 6 years ago when 19 but left him days later out of shame and guilt, then abstained for six years since then (she is 25 now).



I know a lot about psychology and am good with body language. While we were a couple my gut instincts went into effect. One day she asked me what I tell other girls when they hit on me and I told her I tell them about her. Then I ask her what she does when other guys hit on her and she said she tells them she is taken. I sensed she was lying.

A couple months later she was talking about how she loved a certain movie. Thing is it just came out and she would not go alone, and has few female friends. She became uncomfortable and realized she slipped. So I asked her who she went to the movies with and she said she didn't she watched it on DVD. It was not out on DVD yet. I asked her again over a period of time and when I confronted her about it not being on DVD yet she changed her story to seeing the movie with her dad. I bought it. Read on to find out the relevance to the story.

A couple months later she was talking about how this guy on myspace who had been trying to get a date with her for several months even before she met me, when she was single and how he was still after her and how he was trying to talk about God all the time now as a way of getting a date with her since she was always talking about God. She said that long before she met me he had tried buying some products from her as a way of meeting her and she saw through it, agreed to sell the merchandize to him but still would not go out with him. She said it was pathetic and she could see through it. Fast forward to today when she told me he had recently asked her to burn him a CD of hip music since she seemed so cool and she did but was going to mail them to him without him paying for them (she refused money from him) because she did not want him to know where she lived. Then she played a voice mail message he left her (he had her number from before we were together because of her business she runs, he bought some stuff from her). The VM was talking trash about me basically.

I went home and thought about things and figured she had to be doing something to be leading him on. I asked for her myspace password which she gave me and I found out:

She went to see the movie with her male friend the first week of our relationship. they had been friends for five years and it was clear from the emails he liked her but she did not like him, in fact she avoided him eve when she was single and that this was the only time she ever went to the movies with him or did anything else. After ward she felt guilty and told her parents she would never do that again and she didn't (this is confirmed by her parents and emails), she avoided him every time he asked her out and told him she was busy. Other than that she vented about some of our problems to him but if you see the emails you see she doesn't like him, he is but ugly and has no game or money. I am not so worried about this one. I had mentioned to her two weeks into the rel. that hanging out with other guys such as going to a movie was not OK and that I would dump a girl for that. She panicked and made a mistake she said. She ended the friendship since then.

But I am worried about what else I found. The other guy who had been trying to get with her for almost a year when she was single was asking still asking her out month after month. Instead of saying she was taken she would say she is busy or has to work, which was untrue, she was available. This went on for months. Then I saw emails right about the time (summer) I had chewed her out for not telling guys she was taken that she needs to tell them that, where she finally told him she was taken the next time he asked her out. He told her he would leave her alone but she told him he could still be her friend since they were christians and that chrstians need to stick together. They kept talking. He would say it makes his heart glad when she emails him bible passages and she said it makes her glad when he does the same. then one day he got mad and told her he felt like he deserved a better chance than the one she gave him and was mad because she chose me. That he is ready to hang out when she is...

She replied back that when she met me she didn't even want a bf, that most of her bf's caught her at a weak moment. That i chased after her for months(LIE!) and that she couldn't stand me at first (she liked me) She told him most of the bf's she had she had to leave because they pressured her for sex even though she told them no sex before marriage when they met. At the end of it she said she was not sure how much longer we would be together, she was waiting for an answer from God. The timing of her saying that being right after he said he is ready to hang out when she looks bad, especially with he blowing him off by saying she is busy instead of I have a bf. In her defense, she did blow him off for a long time when she was single and this is how she has always blown guys off, I see that in the emails from past rel. and when she was single. She says she just doesn't want to hurt their feelings and that they eventually forget about her or give up.

To be fair, we were having some problems in the relationship at the time even though it was no excuse for this. I gave her a lot of reasons to leave me but she didn't because she loved me too much. It would have been best for her to leave me but she stuck by me.

In both cases, there are similarities: with her friend she hid the rel, vented about our rel. and told him she is not sure how much longer we would be together. Judging by the emails from while we where together, before we where together, and her general behavior toward him, as well as several other things, I believe this was innocent. The movie was a mistake and I had not laid out that boundary until after the fact but even without it she never did it again because she felt guilty.

But with the other guy I don’t know. The situations are almost identical; hid the rel. at first, told him she was busy, vented, told him she was not sure how much longer we would be togther. Trouble is that in this case this guy was not her friend. In her mind he was but not in reality. That and the fact that she said it right after he said he is ready to hang out when she is.

Hello, HPDwary! Maybe you need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend and tell her what you think from reading her emails. She did trust you enough to give you her myspace password, so maybe she feels like she has nothing to hide. She might feel the need to have more friends and a bit more freedom, and that is why she lets this guy ask her out, even though she doesn't agree to go out with him, becouse she feels lonely. Just my thoughts.

jasmin wrote:Hello, HPDwary! Maybe you need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend and tell her what you think from reading her emails. She did trust you enough to give you her myspace password, so maybe she feels like she has nothing to hide. She might feel the need to have more friends and a bit more freedom, and that is why she lets this guy ask her out, even though she doesn't agree to go out with him, becouse she feels lonely. Just my thoughts.

A lot of people say that about the password thing. Thanks for the post.

You're welcome, HPDwary. I hope things work out for you.

Hey there. The girl you are dating seems insecure. In my eyes, she seeks attention from outside sources such as those guys who have been contacting her. She seems like a very nice girl, but in my opinion there is a fine line between being nice and being responsible about a relationship when it comes to blowing other guys off. I am not trying to be judgemental, however I feel at the age of 25 she should have some sort of wall and would know how to handle these situations. How would she feel if girls were messaging you and you continued to send passages and vented about your relationship?

She lied the first week you had started dating. I am a HUGE fan of honesty and believe that it is one of the most important things in a relationship.

You seem like you have your head on your shoulders and your confidence is high. My assumptions tell me that you are on a different level than her. I understand you love her and, I am not saying she is not the one for you; but i feel because of your confidence and responsibility that you can fix this by talking to her heart to heart. Like you were already told, perhaps speaking about the messages is wise. If you're good at opening up, try saying the things you've typed in this thread.

You have a lot of patience my friend, and you must love this girl a lot. Do your best at communicating. If she continues to be insecure and hides small things from you, I would not recommend going through the pain. It is up to you when enough is enough. Good luck

My fiance gave me her password too. I didn't like what I saw in her emails, and she knew I wouldn't. So, why do you think she gave me access?

The seeking of attention. Sounds classic to me. I often at times and not just when being hit on do not know how to come out and say "NO". I feel as though I am being mean and it feels good to accomidate others. Even if I have no intentions of giving into what they need but I won't at most times come out and say I won't either. Just easier to say Im am busy...etc.etc..
However on top of that it feels good to be wanted. everyone likes that feeling weither it comes from a sorce where you return that desire or not. For me it is a self esteem thing. I like to be wanted it boosts my ego (although) always temporarily and even from someone I have no interest in.
I get shy and mix that with the ego boost and the sense of being a people pleaser not coming out and saying im unavailable or saying what someone wants to here (sometimes) comes out as a bad habit!

Not saying your gf is that same but if she is anything like me she probably just has no idea how to just stand up and feel ok about disappointing someone or even rejecting a source of self esteem lifting.

Shouldn't actually give any of your passwords to anyone, unless maybe if you're married or in a long relationship or something. I had this ex of mine deface one of my pages, not even one, actually on two different sites because he was so angry at me after we broke up andi hadn't changed the password yet, it was just saved on his browser.


I don't think your gf should lie to you or make up things, so I think you're right to be suspicious. If the facts don't measure up,its usually a lie. Also if she was just meeting some guy friends there's no need lie about it and say she watched it with some girl friends.

It's not to say anything happened beyond meeting some guys, but still I wouldn't be happy if my gf dated other guys.

I'd say your gfs attitude is pretty strange, even lying to the other guy about how she didn't like u at first and blah blah, its almost like she is leading him on. She has to know how to set boundaries and you should too. I don't think this should be acceptable behaviour towards you or other people, she's basically lying to everyone, and regardless of whether her intentions were good or bad, doesn't the bible say not to lie?

I have had probs with my bf before too. But I think in the end I realise that couples should talk to each other before problems escalate and be completely honest with each other, i dont think i would be able to handle having a relationship where theres not complete honesty from both sides.