the people from past, do they still haunt me?

Can something from over a year ago still affect you?
About a year and a half ago, I gave up my entire group of friends.
It gets kind of complicated.
We'll start with my brother. He molested me when I was younger and so since then I try to do everything opposite him and make sure i'm a good person. So i didn't like drinking at all, or drugs, and he had sex and a baby at 17 so of course i wasn't into premarital sex.
Second, i've never really had a good male mentor in my life. My brother and i weren't close and my father was funny but never close to me. I only had three male friends altogether until the eleventh grade.
So one day at this memorial day party, my friends (at the end of tenth grade) most of them ended up drinking. I freaked out. I felt betrayed and broken. Two of my friends ended up leaving and they talked it out and felt okay about it i guess. I on the other hand.. my best friend ended up drinking and i was forced under certain circumstances to sleep over and that was torture. i couldn't talk to anyone cuz they had done it and so i remained silent. I didnt get to talk to anyone about it and had to lay silent all night. In my opinion, i never got support from that.
I started becoming friends with this guy from my soccer team and we ended up talking a lot over the summer. Now add a few things together and you get, loss of friends + one new friend + never had a male role model = me wanting this new friend to be my best friend and give me support for something that happened far too long ago. I thought i got over it but i guess i didn't.
I've just come to the realization that any problems i have i will deflect onto him. I know i want support or even a hug from him so in my mind i make up situations where something bad happens to him and he'll need a hug or to sleep over so we can talk it out. in reality i dont want bad things to happen to him, but at least that way i'd get some support for me.

so over the year my friendship with him has been different. I found out he didnt really like me all that much for most of it and i got mad at him for lying even though- well theres some other complications but basically it took six months for us to come to now which is okay friends again. But the thing is i never got support and i dont think i ever will.

So here's what i've been thinking. I half think that maybe i should go see a psychologist but i really dont want to cuz i also think that these issues are just stupid and i should get over them. this is my one chance at life and im wasting it on being afraid. So how do i get over this?
I just want to get over this feeling of wanting support with him, which im a guy by the way and its possibly that being molested and other things have helped form hocd. mostly pure-o. I obsess and worry about a lot of things and thats led to some panic attacks some times. so wanting support from a guy doesnt help with hocd.
Also, when my friends talk about drinking (even if its only once) or doing pot (once again, just to try it once) ive come to terms now that its not so bad but on the inside i still freak out a little bit.
I want to stop freaking out about those things or caring about them at all.
I want to stop having this feeling of needing support for something that happened forever ago.
But i don't know how.

can someone please tell me how?

Hi, zoax18! Welcome to the forum. I think the cause for this is the fact that your brother hurt you, like you said. Did something else happen when you were forced to sleep over at your friend's place that night? Sorry if I didn't understand. I guess you might have felt so betrayed becouse they reminded you of your brother, when they drank. I think those of us who've been abused need to be rescued from that place we were in a long time ago so we cling to other people.
I think knowing that and talking about it helps a lot. You have this place now.
Your problems aren't small at all and if you can find a good counsellor, I think you should talk with them.

Here's what happened that night. Not all of it but most of it.
I got there and there was a beer pong table. I thought, well we probably won't get into that so its okay. So fast foward to later that night and we get to me in a hammock with one of my guys friends and a female friend. We were talking about stuff and I wanted to get more deep and talk longer but they left. So then I decided to just think by myself. I was listing all of the reasons why i liked my friends so much... then one of my friends, T, was with K, i thought T hated K but apparently not. So it was clear K had been drinking but i knew she did already so i didnt care. Next thing i know another close friend of mine, A is crying and my close female friend B is consoling her. Apparently one of my best friends R had yelled at her. After some talking we went up to the top of the driveway to wait for her ride. We did some talking and then the guy friend from the hammock, Bo, comes up and asks, "are you guys the only sober ones left?" i didnt hear him so i asked what he said and he explained that everyone else had been drinking. I felt confused. My friends didnt drink.. not the ones i knew. I felt betrayed. We talked about it some and then Bo left to stop people from drinking and soon A and B left to go home. I felt alone. I knew it wasn't their fault for leaving, but it sucked for me. After they left i started crying... a lot. I even went in front of R's house and said goodbye cuz i didnt think i wanted to be friends with them anymore. Then I went inside. The girl T, i kind of liked her already, and i was thinking about telling her my secret- that my brother molested me. I think i wanted to cuz if i did she would be like my only friend who knew that and we'd get together or something. that's wrong to do that tho... anyway when i went in the house T came to me and i looked like i was crying and she asked if i was okay. i wasnt, but i dont remember if i told her that or not. Next thing i knew i was telling her that if she didnt like her mother cuz she drinks so much then why did she drink, even if it was just a little buzzed. Then i told her my secret. for no reason. i just blurt it out. maybe it was for a reason. maybe i thought if i said she'd help me or something. Then she left and i called Bo cuz i wanted to talk to him. Me and Bo were supposed to sleep over R's but i did not want to at all and i didnt want to just leave him there. he didnt have his phone with him. So later i found him and told him i was going to go home. but then he said he didnt want to go home cuz then he would have to explain it all to his parents. So i stayed, because he didnt want to leave and i didnt want to leave him alone. So we went into his house and there was four of us. Me, R, Bo, and R's cousin. I sat there in silence. I felt broken and didn't want to talk at all. Then we went to bed and it took me half an hour before i fell asleep. i think i cried a little. The next morning i woke up and for a half second i as happy, then i remembered what happened. We went downstairs for breakfast and R's mom asked how many drinks ryan had. Bo almost told the real amount, what really happened. and i wanted him too, if he did... maybe it would've been alright. but he didnt. and i was silent for the rest of the day. i went home and i told my mom a little and she just said people can't be trusted cuz they all suck basically. So for the rest of the summer i tried avoiding them. But we had planned on going to T's beach house together. When i was there, I barely talked to Bo, and not at all to R. After that i stopped contact with most of them until about 9 months later. I then wrote a 7 1/2 page long letter describing what happened from my point of view and how i couldn't be there friends anymore. I basically blamed them all, but i soon realized it was mostly my fault. Over the summer though, i had made new friends. I started emailing Ru, a male, and well this goes into some other issues i wont get into for now. Right now, about 1 1/2 years later, i am friends with everyone except for the guys R and Bo. I'm not sure if being molested by my brother really affected me much, i think it did but those are other issues. What i really think is this affected me a lot. I get anxiety whenever alcohol is brought up. and even drugs - o i learned that night that R once smoked pot so that may be why. I get anxiety.. maybe used to, but whenever someone new is introduced into my life that will be in my group of friends. or if i feel like im going to lose a friend.
My best thoughts is, the anxiety for alcohol and drugs may just be connected to the thought of losing friends again.
And the new person thing maybe trust issues. I dont trust people anymore or something....

and of course the question again comes up:
How do you get over that kind of stuff.

Like i said before, I really feel like i need support cuz i went home with no one that next day and i never got to talk to anyone about it one on one. I have this nagging feeling that all i want to do is get a hug from this friend and spend the night with him so i feel like i have someone to support me for it. but that was so long ago, why do i feel like that? And also i want to be friends with this guy, but he said he doesnt like guys who get all weepy and sad and that nagging feeling makes me like that. and i think the reason i want it to stop even more than ever is cuz i want to be his friend and i think i want to be his friend cuz of my absence of a male role model... ughh. i wish this would all just go away.... please help... ill get to my other issues later.

If he really is your friend, he wouldn't mind if you got a little emotional from time to time, zoax18. You deserve to have someone support you when you feel bad. I think that if we are abused as children, our feeling towards other betrayals are stronger. You seem to understand your situation well. You need someone to be there for you and give you the emotional validation you didn't get as a little kid. We all need that. Maybe if you try to explain how you feel to your friend, he'll understand.

but that's not the point if he understands or not. I just want the feeling to go away. I want to just be friends with people and not have to look up to anyone and want a hug or whatever. I want people to look up to me.


and here's my other issues:
I might be gay. But i'm not sure. Or maybe i am sure but the thing of it is, i really dont feel like i am/i really dont want to be. My best guess as to why i could possibly believe i am gay is because my brother molested me when i was a child. I think i have OCD because of that and more in particular HOCD.
I keep having thoughts about am i gay?. The thoughts get worse as stressful times. And i'm pretty sure i have HOCD because most of the time i believe i'm straight. I had crushes on girls when i was younger and im pretty sure i still do now. But everyday there's always that voice that adds "because I'm gay"... Everything I do ultimately comes to its cuz i'm gay. but im not gay and sometimes it doesnt even make sense. But other times i'm not so sure and i have to check and ruminate and make sure again. I feel like im in denial about being gay and hardly believe that i have HOCD sometimes. I hate that im stuck with that... why me? why can't i just have normal thoughts? it sucks.
It gets worse when things like.. well talking about someone being gay comes up, i get anxiety and think maybe im gay- maybe they think i am. And then i learned that people who are gay but scared of society are homophobes and when they inferiorize others, they'll say you're gay, but its cuz they're gay. so if i ever go thats gay, or your gay- suddenly i think- crap its cuz i am. and right now in this moment i realize how ridiculous that sounds but when it happens its hard to control sometimes.
Even now my mind is thinking, you're twisting what really happens or making things up or something- its not true, you know too well that i have hocd so therefore i dont.
It gets worse with the fact that - even tho im not sure if my theory on me needing a male role model is correct- but b/c of that- it makes me think im in love with the guy i look up to and that makes me think im gay. Or am i just gay? w/e.
So here's where my history ties into my issues.
In the third grade, i really wanted to be friends with this kid, M. He was popular and cool and all i wanted to do was be friends with him.
The friendship was weak and never really happened.
Up to the ninth grade and we get to my friend Bo's sister's boyfriend. For some reason i really wanted to be friends with him. i looked up to him, and even grew my hair out just like he did. At night, i felt alone (i guess) and so i pretended that i was living in an apartment and he was my room mate. But as time when on and since he was in the 11th grade, we didnt become good friends and i suddenly just hated him. And i became jealous that Bo was still friends with him cuz he was dating his sister.
Well after the events of that night with the drinking and what not, i found that this guy G on my soccer team was different? idk why i picked him. Maybe he seemed cool or like a leader but i dunno. I did know G in the 9th grade cuz he was in a class of mine and he had this hair style that i liked and wanted to but was too afraid to get it.
O that's another thing ill get into... later.
Anyway, i started talking to him and then we began email-ing each other over the summer. I had this feeling that he didnt really want to email me but i shook the feeling as i didnt trust him cuz of what happened. Over the next few months we talked and became friends. Then around november i was in the group of friends with him and i decided to tell my secret that i was molested. After that i began talking about deep things to him. And thats where it went down hill. My need for support led me to talking to him about everything, all my problems. And along the way my perception of him hating me or liking me changed from moment to moment. It turns out that he never really did like me. Which explained why i felt like he wasnt a close friend to me.... and why when i told him he was my best friend he said i wasnt his.
Okay so after some painful feelings and anger feelings.. now im kind of stuck in this, im not as emotional anymore but i sort of am a little bit cuz now he actually seems like my friend cuz we promised each other brutal honesty but im not sure but dont want to ask him cuz that emotional territory and blah blah blah. the real point is i got to a point where i felt like i was in love with him. i wanted a hug from him and to hang out with him and talk to him all the time but that may just be cuz i wanted a best friend cuz i had just lost one and wanted to keep talking so i knew i always had a best friend. Andthose feelings confused me with thinking i might be gay. I feel good when say my foot is on the ground and hes on the couch and stretches out his leg so it touches mine. it feels like some sort of hug... thats weird isnt it?.. i know but it made me feel better. and sometimes intrusive thoughts happen where were hugging and suddenly kissing and its like no. bad. but the thoughts dont stop. and my mind says, no ur making that up, you dont want them to stop, ur only sayingthat to try and convince urself ur not gay.
Anyway, i know he's good looking and thats kind of affected self pleasuring myself if you know what i mean.
That other issue is this- as a kid i wanted a leather jacket after seeing Grease, but i was too scared to ask for one. that yearning for one went on for my entire life and soon became a fetish, along with gelled hair. So male hair being gelled and leather jackets helped pleasure me so that connected me to anh-ing off to it, and that stuff is only on guys and therefore i thought im gay. and even tho if i think about women i know im somewhat attracted my hocd says no. and G gels his hair, and then i picture him in aleather jacket so.... and that makes me think im gay too. but whats weird is when i think of him i think of him getting pleasured but by a woman, like im trying to be him... is it cuz i envy him and wish i was him, therefore i feel like he's a real man and i am no and only if i was him would i be with a woman or straight or w/e????
So thats about him i think... O but there's this other guy who shares the same values as me- that might be another reason why i liked G, his values were good (as in no drinking cuz i was totally against that) But this new guy, M, is manly too i guess, he doesnt like talking about feelings and what not and i want to be like that. So now i want him to be my new best friend. But i dont want to get all clingy to him, just want to be his good friend and not be all AH BE MY BEST FRIEND AGAIN. i think im still scared of losing my friends so im trying to make him my best friend so iwont ever lose him.
im scared of moving on i guess, especially the idea of college.

All of this makes sense right now, to me it sounds liable. but my mind says for just a bit: no, you're wrong. all of its wrong. and hearing the saying "the real answer is usually just the simplest" makes my mind think even more that im gay and thats why.
Im pretty sure im attracted to boobs and what not though. but while i feel that now later itll take me convincing just to remember that tho..




so thats me. if i think of anything else ill let you know... but any thoughts/reasonings/ideas... that'd be great......

I really just wish i was normal and didnt have any of these thoughts.

Zoax, maybe you are bisexual. Have you ever thought about that? I think we all are, to some extent. I think you'd still feel atracted to guys even if your brother hadn't abused you or if you didn't need a male role model. Those things contribute to how you feel and act around other people, but I don't think they can make you feel atracted to guys if you wouldn't be otherwise. Maybe this has to do with hormones and it'll sort of go away as you get older. It's normal to wonder about your sexuality or to experiment. Don't worry about it, there is nothing wrong with you. You would probably think about your sexuality if you hadn't been abused as well. This must be painful for you. I know that it hurts to think that you feel atracted to someone becouse of your abuse. It's also fine to have a fetish. What you can do is stop being so hard on yourself and give it time. Tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual. [/quote]

That answer, that response... that i may be gay is giving me anxiety. It's making me freak out. It made me go straight to this other psych website on HOCD to make sure im not gay. When i even think about being gay, i get this pain- this horrible pain that is soo gut wrenching/anxiety driven i need to do something to get my mind off it so i feel okay again. I don't want to be gay and while there's nothing wrong with being gay, i just dont think its for me and if i was gay then i must sayi dont think im going to choose that life style any time soon. i was really looking foward to this response cuz i thought maybe this place will help me get over all this but im not sure if ppl know about HOCD enough to give the right answer.... or maybe it is the right answer. maybe i am gay but i guess i'll never know. whatever. this is my life and i choose to be straight. any feelings i have ill just get over and move on. being gay, it's not for me. and the thing is- i dont have to prove that to anyone, only myself.....

I'm sorry, zoax! I didn't mean to hurt you. Maybe the thought of being gay triggers you about your abuse. I used to get very triggered in a similar way too. Of course you can live your life how ever you want. I don't know a lot about HOCD and I hope someone can help you. You will be fine.